“A Primer”
I’m going to ranting quite a bit on Soupy Trumpet—mostly about sandwiches posing as the messiahs of Spicy Chicken sandwiches, as well as failed experiments in General Tso’s. Before I do that, I have to prime the philosophical pump. I don’t need any jokers trying to sink the art of argumentation altogether. So here’s my opening salvo.
Listen—my balls do not send me signals to believe in Truth. That’s right. I’m referring to my swampy junk (Goldbond anyone? Triple strength? Green bottle? Ahhhh, the tingle…). It seems that some people think otherwise. For example, a few months back, a mathematics grad student (who was dating a gender studies student) tried to tell me that the problem with philosophers was that their work is ahistorical—implying that they don’t take into account past patriarchal oppression. You fucking dolt! What can be more ahistorical than math? Do your balls tell you that 2+2=4? It’s true that your brainwashed gender-studying girlfriend brainwashed you into thinking that your balls were inherently evil. Go ahead—go into the bank and tell them that your bank statement is merely the result of a patriarchal construct. The absolute truth that 2+2=4 is not some attempt to oppress women.
“There’s no such thing as Truth!” These clowns repeat this, over and over, like some sort of postmodern parrot. Why should I believe you? Is that utterance true? (Of course, they can’t say “Yes” and they can’t say “No.”). These people are merely making nonsensical noises. “Moo!” “Arf!” “Bok bok bok BOK!” They insist that they’re right, but the content of their claim undermines their authority.
Don’t confuse imperialism with the spreading of truth. Of course, there are motherfuckers who march around with guns, claiming to have the Truth—and they’re often wrong. But it doesn’t follow that anyone walking around claiming to know the Truth is an oppressive imperialist.
Yeah, I understand that some of you are trying to ask tough questions. But, waging a war on absolute truth is much dumber than the war on terror. Even dumber than McDouchebag’s trying to knock Wendo’s out of the box on Spicy Chicken. Damn.
-MC Spanky McGee
15 Aug 2006 MC Spanky McGee
