Spanky’s list of top five crimes committed at pickup soccer:

1. Holding onto the mothafuckin’ rock too long. I don’t know why dudes want to be Diego, dribble up to a defender and then try to pass. Why can’t you make the pass early–ya know, when you have some space?

2. Wearing glasses. Look man, I’m blind, too. But they’re called “contacts.” When Ghetto-Diego dribbles up to you and finally attempts his lob pass, he’s going to blast the ball off your dome, which is going to jam your glasses into your damn eyejelly, and then you’ll really be blind. You’ve been warned.
3. Not knowing offsides. Goddamnit. Go to FIFA.com and get it done. I know your defense blows and all you have going is the offsides trap you think you’re running, but it’s not going to work IF YOU DON’T KNOW THE FUCKING RULES.
4. Babbling too much. If you want to talk that much, start a knitting circle, grandma.

5. Motherfuckers who think 14-on-14 is perfectly acceptable. “What’s it matter if one more player comes on?” Your father is a failure. This isn’t YMCA Saturday ball. In the meantime, stay on the sideline and enjoy your orange slice and Capri Sun. The minivan will arrive to pick you up shortly.