I just saw that Hummer is releasing a midsized H3. I haven’t taken it for a test drive, and I’m not gonna. I’m just going to do some good ol’ conceptual analysis on it. So, my review goes like this:

What the fuck? Hummer must be in trouble. I thought the point was to make everything bigger. Did someone kidnap the Hummer execs and put evil clones in their places? We can’t go midsize! That’s contrary to the Hummer spirit. Where am I going to out my 32 gallon cup of Coke from McDonald’s? Where does my quadruple quarterpounder fit? What about my husky kids when I take them to soccer practice (that they’re going to quit after 3 weeks)? Better yet–what if I want to take Pumpkin somewhere when he wants a fruit smoothie? Are the folks at Hummer collectively drunk?
I know what it is–Hummer is just not American anymore. Maybe they should go someplace where they like smaller things.
-El Spanko Gordo

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