Monthly Archives: September 2006

Jackass Number 2

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Bottom line: it was super funny, and I only felt like barfing a few times. It had a few slow parts, but on the whole, the boys upped the ante many times.

The first scene gets you fired up right away. It involves Chris Pontius’ wang, a sock, a hole, a piece of string, Knoxville, and a snake. You do the math. There were plenty of blasts to the junk, and the usual assortment of scenes involving THE DOOK. Knoxville is the master of luring the other dildos into traps, some of which provide the biggest laughs of the movie.
I heard that Pumpkin saw it twice in one night. He’s probably fired up to write his own review. We’ll see what he has to say, if he can tear himself away from his Red Baron minis.

The Shire

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This is a brilliant idea.  Some people have created a community built entirely around The Shire from the Lord of the Rings.  The buildings look like the match the “era” from the outside but are all cribbed up on the inside.  If for whatever reason I am in Bend, Oregon I would for sure stop and see it.  I’d like to build a tiny version and rent it out here in the Upperdeck.
The Shire 

Drunken Cards & Cubs Fans

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They need not go out in public, they need not talk baseball, and they need to remember that they are on opposite sides. No more than 30 minutes ago a friend (one that wasn’t allowed to go to the mall with me when we were young because I was “bad”) and I were verbally sparring about baseball and such, all in good fun. He started to get a little upset, but nothing worth reporting. At some point Ozzie Smith was brought up and I pointed out that I believe that Omar Vizquel was a better player. Mind you this is my opinion, I am not trying to pass this off as fact. My friend, the Cardinal’s fan was having none of it. At this point, still a non story. Then out of nowhere a drunk Cubs fan comes to the Cardinals fan’s aid. “You’re crazy,” he leads off with. I said, “You’d be suprised, compare their stats and you will see they are very similar.” No dice, “You’re crazy.” I said, “He has 10 gold gloves and was arguably a better hitter.”

This guy then tells me that he is “stupider” for hearing this and that he’d bet me $200 dollars that Vizquel didn’t have 10 gold gloves. “I am amazed I am listening to this…so you’re saying that A-Rod and Jeter didn’t have gold gloves then?” And this was right after he bashed them and told me Ozzie was a better hitter than both. A-Rod and Jeter ended Omar’s run of 9 consecutive gold gloves, but Omar got his in before they hit their stride.

The moral of the story is that chances are this guy never heard the comparison and thought he knew something. However he was a dildonic douche and chimed in on something he knew nothing about and coincidently in favor of a player that is most identified as the face of the team he grew up hating. So this idiot could have been a few hundred dollars closer to broke had I served him up and all because he was drunk and wanted to argue. A true cubs fan would have served up a name like Nomar or Jody or Penguin or Neifi and not picked a side but created a new one in their own world. What happened to those days? Did the Cubs fans give up or just approve a merger?

I sure am sorry he feels all stupider and stuff….YUCK

Do the math your self if you care – they are at least comparable:
Ozzie Smith & Omar Vizquel

iTunes 7 BLOWS.

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Looks like we’re on an anti-Apple kick today at Soupy Trumpet. So be it.

Look, I downloaded the piece of shit known as “iTunes 7″ last Friday afternoon just before I had a bash to celebrate Iowa’s imminent ass-kicking of Iowa State. (BTW: I wonder whether Rashawn Parker is going to come back to football after taking that monster hit from Marshal Yanda). iTunes 7 is slow. Slower than Pumpkin in a race for some donut holes. Slower than Taguchi in touch football. iTunes 7 stutters, coughs, and does anything but play my Billy Idol songs smoothly when I need them. I’m a man who takes his parties seriously, so needless to say, I was not thrilled that my music was not working. So, I dumped that shit and then reinstalled 6–twice, since 7 messed up my registry.

So, iTunes 7: sucks, blows, is not good, is terrible, does not work, has mudbutt, crapped its pants, is lame, is weak tea, made sloppy ploppy.

Don’t do it.
-LaSpankee

iPod Blah…

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I have two, an old one and a new. The old one is full. The new one has a couple of full movies and a few internet videos. The new one has a hard time working, turning off, and adding music to it. I wanted to take the 15gb off the old one and put them on the new one and then further the collection on the bigger badder new ipod. Not that simple.

Why tell you this? Well iPods are trendy, they are overpriced, but when functional, they are pretty cash. Why tell you this? Well basically I am jumping ship in November for what I believe will be a better device that takes many of the a$ shortcomings and fixes them while adding new features. This device will have a bigger screen that can be viewed in either orientation (sideways or up). This device will have wireless abilities, fm radio, and sharing between devices. Check it out.

Microsoft Zune

Microsoft Zune Information

Zune Teaser Site

Taking the Show On the Road

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The Pumpkin has been buried thigh deep in work and has regretfully been absent from the wonderful world of the trumpet. But now he’s back. [end third person references]

Last week I managed to go to St. Louis on Saturday and Atlanta on Sunday. The first of the two trips was a driving adventure that’s brightest moment came when I tore down a Lion’s Choice combo meal prior to the baseball game. I went to the baseball game for one reason, and that was to see Barry Bonds play. Leading up to this game I took a ton of heat for believing the guy and the more I think about it, the more I realize that these irrate people are conditional speculators. Therefore I am not likely to discuss this any further until the truf comes out. (not a typo, that’s just how Method Man says to treat the “th”) Furthermore there was a debate, or people lecturing at me, via email leading up to it. I have to give old “5head Tagoooch” props for starting the dialogue, he meant well. I was surrounded by 1000′s of one kind of person all booing together as one each time Barry Ballgame stepped to the plate. The flipside was standing ovations for former players and the guy that fixed the sign in centerfield. Needless to say, those people have a good grasp on reality…….YUCK. If you want further details on how weak the tea was in that park, just let me know.

The food situation can be summed up with 4 nuggets.
1) Lion’s Choice was cash and was enough
2) I couldn’t locate the meatball subs
3) I made no food purchases at the park (a first, but NO regrets)
4) I saw a guy with cheetos sprinkled on a nachos grande

The next day however was far more amazing on all levels. First my husky counterpart made us late to the point where the plane was held up waiting on us as we ran through the airport. We asked people to cut in line, most ignored us, and the people in their 20′s hooked us up. The most notable was an older woman that looked at us as if we were homeless people asking for money and then looked dead ahead as if that would just make us go away. We’ve all done it, as we mumble “sorry, no money… all have is credit… mumble.” She pulled that on us as we had 3 minutes to make a plane and old gravy leg had another hour or more.

The airline proudly serves Dasani. That’s pretty much the only highlight of the plane rides other than the guy hitting his baby’s head on the ceiling and apologizing to it like he bumped into a stranger in a busy crowded elevator. The airport was cash. I did ran into someone in the Atlanta airport that lived directly behind the mothership for years. That’s odd, but not as odd as watching three elderly people fall down as the transport train took off and getting scoffed at by one of them as I handed them their dropped luggage. Needless to say, at risk of sounding like a jerk, once they got off we (and another) busted out laughing. Another train ride involved the svelt guy with me falling into the conducter’s room as the train took off and he crashed through the door all husky-like.

The football game was beyond amazing and the food was cash as well. I did hit a snag though. There is a secret spot that I have been going to for years to talk to the players before the game and this year there was a little heightened security and was denied. The persons doing the denying were probably there on some kind of “give back to the community program” that helps people with less than average smarts. No exaggeration there, if anything it is being understated politely. The lady told me the reason for the rejection was because of “9/11.” I asked her if she meant “as in Monday? Or as in 5 years ago?” I’m guessing as in Monday because for virtually those 5 years since 9/11 I have been in that same spot prior to most of the games I have ventured to. I kind of laughed it off and made my connections instead inside the dome.

Food summary for me
1) Beef Brisket Samich w/chips
2) Fries
3) Post Game Buffalo Shrimp w/fries
4) Spinzels on the plane

Food summary for huskatron
1) All the above
2) Some of my fries
3) Some of my other fries and shrimp
4) An additional nachos grande
5) Additonal crackers on the first flight

TOOL show–Minneapolis.

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Taguchi and I drove up to see TOOL last night in Minneapolis. We ignored the evangelicals standing outside the Target Center singing for the redemption of our oh-so-Satanic souls.

ISIS, who opened, is basically Diet Tool. They have some airy, drony, odd-time songs that mostly put Taguchi to sleep (who was very tired). I don’t think he was bored by them–more than likely, they served as little lullabies for the tuckered-out fella to regroup for Tool. On the whole, ISIS is solid, but they seem to lack some punch somewhere.
Tool rocked, as expected. Maynard seemed to have an off-night, for the reason that he stopped singing in a couple of the early songs. He might have been ill a few nights before. Who knows? But Maynard certainly deserves some liberties. Adam Jones, Justin Chancellor, and Danny Carey held a musical seminar. One of the highlights involved a fast drum solo in the normally-quiet middle of “Schism.” “Forty-six & two” just rocked. DC tore up the drum solo at the end, but what did you expect?

The light show started out slow, and one wondered whether it was going to get going at all. Well, it progressively got going, and by the end, it was awesome. The white stage allowed graphics to paint themselves all over it, which was pretty cool. The laser show was nothing novel on the whole, as Pink Floyd had done all that for years. But novelty is not the issue here, Dude. Everyone was transfixed by the spectacle.

Maynard showed his usual dry sense of humor, taunting that “Kansas was louder” during the band’s onstage break–which prompted Minneapolis to deliver a proper retort. The Taguchinator and I were in agreement that it was one of the loudest crowds of which we had ever been part. They hit their crescendo during “Aenima,” singing their balls off to the whole song, basically.

As usual, Tool didn’t move around much. When your music is that complex, your musicianship alone is enough to rock big time. Maynard danced a little and did some strip-teases, but he sure as hell doesn’t need to run around like this douchebag.

We were on the road forever this weekend. So–TOOL–please come to Iowa. We’ll bring some friends. We promise. Love, Spanky “Not Worthy” McGee.

The ever-so versatile “Dildo”

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The word “dildo” is near and dear to our hearts here at Soupy Trumpet. We’re also big fans of “douchebag.” This site has a pretty good analysis of the essence of a douchebag.

There are several theories about what a dildo is. Obviously, the connotation is that of a sex toy for women. One wonders, is the person we label a “dildo” necessarily amusing in some way, even though the dildo is ridiculous?

This guy is a dildo. The part that cracks me up: “The official said the man, who was wearing military fatigues and spoke Portuguese and little English, was apparently a boxer and was described as walking around the cabin during the flight, trying to attract attention by throwing punches into the air. “He was strutting his stuff,” the official said.” What a tool!

Some famous variants on “dildo” are:

dildonic: having the properties of a dildo

dildonicity: the state of having the properties of being a dildo

Dildonesia: the motherland of dildos

dildon: an inhabitant of Dildonesia

Dildonosaurus Rex: super dildo

I know a dildo who used to walk around and yell “Ya dilllllllllldoooooooooooooohhhhhhh.” Sometimes he’d do it when he’d get lucky and hit you with a grenade in the stacks while playing Goldeneye. He knows who he is.

-Spanks the Dildonator