Let me incriminate myself. I had two sandwiches and a bowl of tomato soup for lunch today. I was pressed for time, and I don’t want to hear it from the likes of Pumpkin and Tagooch.

Anyway, I looked at the Campbell’s soup can, and it said “Great recipe idea! Add Pepperidge Farm (trademark sign) croutons to your soup, blah fuckin’ blah!” That’s awesome! Lord forbid that you make a generic suggestion: “Add your favorite croutons.” Noooooooo, we’ve got to tell you which ones, so that we can squeeze out another 40 cents profit on a bag of shitty croutons.

Here’s what Campbell’s expects: we pick up the can of soup, and we all go hunt down the stupid Pepperidge Farm Croutons and we throw them in the grocery cart. Does this advertising actually work on people? Or is it a shot in the dark? Either Campbell’s is stupid for thinking it would work or we are because it actually does. I don’t know.
I can’t stress it enough. Companies expect you to think about their product–and only their product–around the clock. McDonald’s would keep you stuffed up to your tonsils every second of the day if they could. “Hey, I just made room for another fry! I’ll have another #3!”

While I’m on this rant, I fucking love it when companies suggest that my life is incomplete when I don’t have their product. (Taguch and I will be rolling out a special essay on this soon). Coke thinks that I should go on an adventure across the country listening to mind-numbing Enya, and I should take Coke with me. The Sprite campaign was better: “Obey your thirst. We’re not suggesting that your life is incomplete, but you should still obey your thirst, which primordially seeks Sprite.” In other words, we’re not saying it, but we are.

That’s it for now. Make sure to check back in to Soupytrumpet.com every second of every day for instructions on how to live, to laugh, and to be happy! Now, where’s my Girls Gone Wild vol.65338?

-El Spanko Gordo