Happy Columbus Day! Fuck yeah! Here’s news for ya: Columbus didn’t discover America, but he did invent it. He invented the attitude. I’m talking about entitlement here, folks. There’s nothing like showing up somewhere and saying, “This is mine, not yours, I’ll tell you how to get it done, I doubt it, and git.”

Fact: Columbus was a raping, thieving, slave trader. How cool that we celebrate it with a federal holiday!

I hear some grumbling: “What? Should I feel guilty for what Columbus did hundreds of years ago? Fuck you, Spanks.”

Absolutely not. Rock it out. The specific acts Columbus performed ain’t shit compared to the ideological example he provided for the rest of us. We’re still putting horns in the air and carrying out Manifest Destiny (even if C didn’t coin the phrase, he sure was a believer), in our own made-for-tv modern way.

WE ARE CHOSEN. Chosen to get as fat as we want, chosen to watch Bobby Brown, chosen to put a giant Amercian flag on the moon that we can see from Topeka, chosen to speed up after a pedestrian has taken 2.6 seconds of our time as we have to get to THE MALL OF AMERICA as soon as possible to buy shit in order to throw it away.

It’ll be awesome when we get to Mars. We’ll colonize it, abandon the colony (although we’ll leave them with a sweet creation myth and the reverence for the Flag), they’ll discover oil, and we’ll go back and kick their asses and take the oil but we’ll give them freedom which means giving them anarchy (true freedom), and then (grand finale) we’ll give them WALMART. Glorious.
And we’ll do it all under two symbols. Sweeeeet.