Condi says that we Americans still love the World. We know that you turned down the invitation to the party in the desert (WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOOOOOOOUUUUUU? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU?), but our parties are so awesome that it’s just your loss, BRO. Shit, I’m surprised Rumsfeld didn’t call in Snoop Dogg and his green hat. “Make money money make make money money!”
Anyway, we didn’t need your sniveling Frenchy-Sartrean validation/cosign on the War Keg of Liberty at Baghdad Freedom Bash 2003, but don’t start thinking we need it now. We’re giving you this opportunity once again to be on the winning team. Keep in mind that we’re stamping your Freedom Club Card, and it’s not the other way around.

When we say that the World is united against North Korea, it means that America is Right, and everyone else knows that shit: “Yeah, what that dude said” (pointing to Uncle Sam).

It’s kinda like Descartes: you don’t know shit until you know God exists. But Descartes fucked it up. You don’t know shit until America has said that you do.

Well, maybe Descartes wasn’t wrong. God is on our team. I don’t know why Baby Jesus particularly loves the midwest. “He who conquers Kansas gains Truth, Justice, and the World.” I think Baby Jesus said that once.

We have such a monopoly on God it would seem as if Americans invented him.

I just can’t figure out why Baby Jesus put the oil so far away. Oh yes, Baby Jesus wanted to build our character. That’s it.