It always cracks me up how some bathrooms just work out such that the toilet paper stockpile is outside the bathroom. This means that you’ve got to be on your toes, thinking ahead. You calculate: “This feels like a pretty big one, hmmm, there’s 1/4 of the roll left. Should be safe.” So you gamble and then you end up with a shotgun blast out the ass–”Ahem, clean up on aisle 2“– that requires at least another half a roll to mop up. As you frantically look for the emergency roll, you realize that’s it’s outside in the hall closet. This is where things get really interesting.

Now if you there’s no roommate or family at home, you probably just waddle out with your pants at your ankles to seize the TP like some deranged Napoleon, and then life is good. But if there’s a danger you might get spotted, this is the fun part. Now you pull up the pants, being ever so careful to set up your boxers or whatever so they don’t work themselves into your poop-moat. So then you clinch, which brings about a funky sensation that takes you way back in the day to your Huggies days. Then you speed-waddle out to the closet and hope that someone isn’t there to do the math: (speed waddle) plus (new roll of toilet paper) plus (reentry into bathroom) = you have fudge-ditch!

My reader might feel smug. “Well, Spanky, you’re an idiot. My TP is always stocked within the bathroom. I don’t have to speed-waddle.” Don’t get cocky. Every now and then the TP Sneak will happen in a public place, because you’ve sprinted into the stall to disarm the diarrhea time-bomb and you didn’t stop to see that the two giants rolls are empty. Then your hearing comes into play. “Ok, I think I heard phlegmy-coughy old dude leave after his 5-minute piss, but did two guys come in after that or just one?” And then you have to stall hop–thus the TP Sneak.

So, friends, be careful. Have a razor-sharp intellect. Stock your TP ahead of time, and beware of the fudge-ditch.