Ann Coulter loves hot sweaty men. And I love her. Ooooooh yeeeaaahhhh!

Ann discusses the recent news of ” Six imams removed from a US Airways flight from Minneapolis to Phoenix.” She writes, “What threat could Muslims flying from Minnesota to Arizona be? Three of the 19 hijackers on 9/11 received their flight training in Arizona.”

I guess the inference we are to draw is that the six imams are terrorists. The background assumption seems to be that if you have anything in common with a certain kind of person, you are of that kind.

On her home page on the right, Ann has a little box whose title reads:

QUOTATIONS FROM CHAIRMAN ANN

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What difference does it make to call the chaos in Iraq a “civil war” or not? It’s completely a bloody disaster with unacceptable civilian casualties! BOTTOM LINE! Will calling it that change our strategy? NO. BUSH WON’T CHANGE STRATEGY ANYWAY!
Powell calls it a “civil war.” So fucking what?

NEXT!

Here’s more of my recent reading adventures. I’m reading Rolling Stone #1014 on my kingly throne, and on pages 102 and 103, I find an ad for the LG chocolate phone:

In pink letters next to the phone, the ad says,

Push me, touch me, slip me, slide me, pull me close and whisper to me. Grip me, grab me, hold me, stroke me. Realize that you can’t be without me. Feel me, dig me, need me, crave me, Go with it you know you want me, turn me on and light me up.

Obviously the goddamned phone is talking to you, the reader. When I first read it, I got excited and and started thinking about my zubbie (my zubra). Ok, back to the phone. I don’t know about you, but Bro Taguchi and myself think of this shit:

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I can’t remember who came up with it (probably Tagooch), but, around two years ago, someone started calling his cell phone “The Precious.” Because ya just havta pet, stroke, protect and love your cell phone. Notice how cranky you (my audience) get when you lose your phone or it stops working. You get Gollum-level pissy.

Looky here, LG. We were on top of that shit. Our crew can cosign on that. What’s super-awesome is that LG has tapped the vein of the American arm. They know that we’re hooked, and they’re telling us to our faces that they know that we know that they know that…

Newsflash, people: the triumph of advertising is complete. Everything is out in the open. LG has embraced that.

-El Spanko Gordo

Now that I’ve stopped sweating gravy, I can document the Thanksgiving weekend. I’ll open up by pointing out that Spanky was the most eager little eater I’ve seen in some time.  He put on a clinic.  It was overdone…almost like he did it just so I’d have to post it.  Well, here’s recognition.  You ate everything in site for about 54 hours…except my Arby-Q.

Then there’s ‘ol Pumpkin. Spanky and I played the joke of the weekend on him at Sakura  (where Spanky also put on a display).  Spanky and I arrived first, and because a certain young lady was also eating there I saw an opportunity to get him on a pretty decent joke…so I primed the pump and told Spanky how to play it when Pumpkin arrived.  He had to deliver it or else there wouldnt’ve been a joke.  The Spankster hooked it up like he’d been a thespian all his life, and the Pumpkin bit hard for about 2.5 seconds…you could see the little frown come over his face.

Goochout

WARNING: Geek Factor High

I’ve been running little internet experiments to test how quickly I can locate various random items (like the name of the song from the Gears of War commercial). It actually took me 2 Google searches to find the blueprint to the Millenium Falcon. I also found that Lucas designed it after his favorite food…a HAMBURGER…with the cockpit as an olive. This place has a complete library about every vehicle, character, planet and plotline in every movie. It’s all very disturbing.

All the news sites are reporting that TMX Elmo is selling out after “Black Friday.” Surprise, surprise. I’ve seen videos of that thing on youtube, and it is an impressive piece of engineering. Hell, you might even find yourself chuckilng along with the damn thing, until you engage in a little daydream: you pull TMX Elmo out of the box, only to hear that insane giggle for hours and hours a day because your child reacts just like an automaton when Elmo screeches, “Do it again!” Poke poke. Hee hee hee. Poke poke. Hee hee heee Poke poke. End of daydream. Next daydream: you have a bottle of Beam in one hand, and a sledgehammer in the other, and Elmo sits defenseless in the dark hallway…
Of course, many people never get this far. They see a commercial, feel the hype welling up within, and they know they child will torture them incessantly with “I WANT ELMO!” Mattel isn’t stupid. The trick is to get the parent to surrender. BOW TO THE POWER OF THE ROBOTIC DOLL!

Nothin’ like gettin’ super-husky on Thanksgiving and then waddling down to Wal-Mart to stand in line for 5 hours to get TMX Elmo, plunking it on VISA (along with your XBOX 360, PS3, your Wii–”Hey, 23% isn’t too bad… I’ll pay it off in 15 years”) then holding it like a goddamned war trophy as you waddle back out to the SUV. Good American! Make sure to drive really fast, and bring your piece, because who knows who’ll be blastin’ fools in order to get their XBOX?

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Ah, Elmo.  You remind us of ourselves–of who we want to be. What a symbiotic relationship! What harmony! Make-me-poke-you Human coupled with Tickle Me Elmo! Two automatons, living together, sharing, laughing. Ah, I envision Foaming-at-the-mouth Elmo. You poke him and he’ll foam up, ready to run to Walmart just like some crazed soccer-mom in her turquoise minivan with memories of her own Elmo…

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I should be chairman of the Fed. I’ve always said that we need another Christmas. If you think we’re rich now, tack on an extra Black Friday in late June, and we’ll get the real American party started…. I bet you’re drooling just at the thought of it. I know I am. Well, at the thought of being chairman of the Fed.

This shit is out of control. I love the dude at the end…

Denver hates Jesus

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Happy turkey day, Soupy Trumpet readers! Be glad your white-ass Puritan ancestors got schooled by Squanto & co., thereby finally learning how to grow corn. (Dumbasses.) And if your ancestors were of other origin, consider yourself lucky. You might actually be able to have sex, spend money on yourself, and say things like “Gottverflucht” without feeling guilty. (Unless, of course, Squanto, et. al. were your ancestors, in which case we apologize for not being MORE thankful after that whole “First Thanksgiving” thing.)

 What a weird holiday. But it’s a great excuse to celebrate God, food, and imperialism. At any rate, boys: get thee to a huskerie (by which I mean the dining room table) and consume thyself some yummy-ass food until thy stomach grow large and husky, and thy head grow tired. Then sit thee down in a comfy Lay-Z-Boy, unbutton thy trousers and watch thee some football. I shall do likewise (except without the football, since we have no network TV up here).

 Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!

Ok, I already told you that iTunes 7 is a hot steaming piece of dogshit. Thus I am still running iTunes 6.x . Now, I keep my music on my 120 gig external firewire drive (It’s a Fantom Drive, and it rocks). For some bullshit reason, iTunes 6 would not add all the music in the drive’s subfolders/subdirectories to my library, even though the files were on the drive. And iTunes 6 won’t rescan your music folder automatically (as far as my dumbass knows). So, I would open iTunes looking for a song, only to find that I’d have to go into the drive and add it to my library manually. That sucks.

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Download iTunes Library Updater from: http://itlu.ownz.ch/wordpress/ You’ll have to install the Microsoft .NET framework, but you’ll be happy after you fire this puppy up. It will dig into all your subfolders and add the files to your library. It’ll also remove missing files from your library.

So here’s to you, iTunes Library Updater. You kick ass!

In case you happen to be a regular or semi-regular visitor to Soupy Trumpet, it will be getting an overhaul very soon. Grown Pumpkin, Bro Taguchi and I will have a business meeting this weekend to discuss the new look and content of the Trumpet. Of course, by “business meeting” I mean “trip to the buffet.” I think I’ll be tacking on some pounds in the next five days…. HUSKY.

Who knows what we’ll cook up for the Trumpet? Stay tuned. We hope to bring you even crazier, foaming-at-the-mouth rants and goofier movies and pics.