All the news sites are reporting that TMX Elmo is selling out after “Black Friday.” Surprise, surprise. I’ve seen videos of that thing on youtube, and it is an impressive piece of engineering. Hell, you might even find yourself chuckilng along with the damn thing, until you engage in a little daydream: you pull TMX Elmo out of the box, only to hear that insane giggle for hours and hours a day because your child reacts just like an automaton when Elmo screeches, “Do it again!” Poke poke. Hee hee hee. Poke poke. Hee hee heee Poke poke. End of daydream. Next daydream: you have a bottle of Beam in one hand, and a sledgehammer in the other, and Elmo sits defenseless in the dark hallway…
Of course, many people never get this far. They see a commercial, feel the hype welling up within, and they know they child will torture them incessantly with “I WANT ELMO!” Mattel isn’t stupid. The trick is to get the parent to surrender. BOW TO THE POWER OF THE ROBOTIC DOLL!

Nothin’ like gettin’ super-husky on Thanksgiving and then waddling down to Wal-Mart to stand in line for 5 hours to get TMX Elmo, plunking it on VISA (along with your XBOX 360, PS3, your Wii–”Hey, 23% isn’t too bad… I’ll pay it off in 15 years”) then holding it like a goddamned war trophy as you waddle back out to the SUV. Good American! Make sure to drive really fast, and bring your piece, because who knows who’ll be blastin’ fools in order to get their XBOX?

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Ah, Elmo.  You remind us of ourselves–of who we want to be. What a symbiotic relationship! What harmony! Make-me-poke-you Human coupled with Tickle Me Elmo! Two automatons, living together, sharing, laughing. Ah, I envision Foaming-at-the-mouth Elmo. You poke him and he’ll foam up, ready to run to Walmart just like some crazed soccer-mom in her turquoise minivan with memories of her own Elmo…

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I should be chairman of the Fed. I’ve always said that we need another Christmas. If you think we’re rich now, tack on an extra Black Friday in late June, and we’ll get the real American party started…. I bet you’re drooling just at the thought of it. I know I am. Well, at the thought of being chairman of the Fed.