Do you have an idea for a small Windows program that you would find helpful/goofy/fun? Head to Donation Coder, and post your idea in their “Coding snacks” forum. I posted an idea for a program that helps you find where your selection box is when you are navigating Windows or Firefox with the ALT+TAB keys (you can see my post in their forum. As if you’re gonna check. Heh.).

One of their programmers, Skrommel, had the program ready in a few days. That’s pretty kickass, so I sent a small donation to them. If you are trying to ditch your mouse, the program, FindFocus, might help you out a lot.
Also check their list of programs that they’ve already finished. You might find some utility that will rock your computing world.

-Spanks

I got an email from Apple today. They want to me to buy songs from iTunes, more iPods, Powerbooks, blah blah blah. The best part was that the subject heading of the email reads, “You shopped for everyone else. Now it’s your turn.”

First of all, Apple, it’s the day after Christmas, and I haven’t bought shit for anyone yet. That’s partly because I’m all out of whack and can’t think clearly these days (too much going on, including this ridiculous blog). It’s also because I’m not going back into credit card debt, as I explained a few days ago.

Second, I love it when companies stroke my sense of entitlement. (Bro Taguchi pointed out to me a long time ago how much Americans love entitlement). “You work sooooo hard, you are soooooo generous, you are sooooo sweet. You deserve a reward. Now buy our shit.”

Here’s what I hear: “You spent so much money that you should spend more.”

I’m not a cheap bastard. Really. If anything, I’ve spent too much on myself and others, and I can’t do it anymore.

Yes, this is me binging and purging all over you.

It must be the religious spirit in the air… infectious.

-Agent Spanky McGee

Husky dude rocks out the dance video game (is it “Dance Dance Revolution”? Dunno) so well, and then….

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Also check out “Star Wars Cops” here.

Reuters reports that some Chinese students are calling upon people to “resist Western cultural invasion.”

That’s hilarious, because the cannot resist. Christmas is far too big to stop now. And by “Christmas,” I mean “That day around which we go into massive credit card debt in order to buy things for people because somehow we found ourselves on this goddamned train and it started rolling and we couldn’t get off.” We are all already locked into Christmas, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Everyone who has tried to resist has heard the Ubiquitous Agents of Christmas ask: “What, you don’t celebrate Christmas? Well, fuck you, Scrooge!” The social pressure to keep Christmas alive and beefy is unreal.
Maybe we can get off the train?

I’ll you tell you a secret. My family barely celebrates Christmas. This trend started off after my parents got divorced, and Christmas was never quite the same after that. It limped along on life-support for years–although Stepmom McGee gave it some life here and there.

Now, most (not all) of the McGee children are remorseless Godless heathens and generally have been broke for being in school too long (Ah, baby Jesus rewards the faithful with financial gifts and punishes the unfaithful, doesn’t he, Joel Osteen?). Our reasons for not celebrating xmas have changed. It’s not that the adult children still have bad memories from Christmas past–it’s that we can’t afford to buy presents.

Don’t get me wrong. We’re not poor, by any means. By “We can’t afford to buy presents,” I mean, “We currently don’t have much in the checking account for more than beer and day-to-day expenses, and we do have the available credit–but we burned our fingers on that stove and we’re not gonna touch it again.”

We are bombarded by all the advertising to get us to spend, spend, spend. I still feel that fucking urge to spend. And I see shit I want, and I think, “I could use that. It’d be awesome if my pops bought me that for xmas.” Maybe it’s the case that I know xmas is coming up, and so I think, “Hey, it’s the time I usually get stuff. Let me see what stuff I can conjure up.” I don’t need that shit. People in Baghdad probably don’t care about having a Wii–they just don’t want to be blown up randomly. Yes–I just pulled a “It could be worse…”
I think that I’m in some sort of netherworld. (Dorky word: “netherworld.”) I feel sickened by all the manipulation of advertising. I don’t want a commercial to turn me into the zombie it wants me to be. But then again, I admire its genius when it works. It gives us the fun shit: cars, Nintendos, computers, Sprite, The Wiggles, DVDs, Grown Pumpkin’s neon-green undercarriage lights (his “ground effects”), etc. But this just means that advertising has done its work on me. Think of all the commercials you watched when you were a child. I imagine their effect is ongoing and accumulating. As Zack once said: “What does the billboard say? ‘Come and play… come and play… forget about the movement…’ “

People much smarter than I have said this before: you can’t ditch the aspects of your given identity completely. If you try, you end up looking crazy. But some combinations of your given attitudes don’t mesh, so you can’t just fully embrace the total package. For example, I have a deep suspicion that capitalism and Christianity aren’t the good friends they think they are. Do we really think that Jesus would want us to celebrate by buying more stuff for each other? What about merely performing some service for each other (showing your mom how to bookmark her favorite websites)? Or giving aid to the unfortunate–those who can’t pull themselves up by their bootstraps (and that’s yet another topic)? Does Jesus want me to have credit card debt?

It turns out that I’m one of those kids that wants the marshmallow now, but I also want two later. I’m betting those who want the one marshmallow now turn out to have more credit card debt.

Blah blah. Here’s where I am. Listen, Christmas, you’re a sexy and well-oiled machine. You got yerself a bigass engine under that hood. But I ain’t going into anymore credit card debt for ya. But I see you. And you see me.

Happy Holidays. Damn.

-Agent Spanky

Agent Spanky McGee likes doing computer maintenance for his friends and family, because it’s fun, empowering to them, and saves them money. He also likes eating dinner and drinking good beer with them.

The other day, Taguchi and I were rolling to George the Chili King in Des Moines, Iowa. We were listening to Beck’s Midnight Vultures–which is sooooo good. Every time I hear the line, “I say, laday, step inside my Hyundai” in “Debra,” I think about Grown Pumpkin. Man, I miss him. I’m sure the local Chinese buffet has suffered a big hit in profit since he left us.

Anyway, I was telling Taguchi what laws I’d enact if I were King. First, I’d outlaw having more than one passenger in a vehicle. It is much more noble to consume as much gas as possible. One engine per passenger only. It’s the American way. Second, I’d outlaw cremation and donation of the body to science.

Let me focus on this second bit. It’s super-awesome to plant your dead ass in the ground, with a little marker that says for eternity, “This is my spot. No one else can use this land. And God forbid that anybody find any further use for my body parts that are going to turn to dust otherwise.” It’d be really sweet if we could go into the future. I bet the whole planet is covered in skyscraping tombstones and mausoleums. How the fuck are we going to drive?

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What’s gonna be really badass is that, in the super-future, after humans do the Grand Planetary Hop (because there will be too many tombstones), we’ll swing back through Earth for shits and giggles. Maybe the bodies of the current people will have turned to oil by then. Holy shit! There’s a revelation. The oil is renewable!

Of course, we’re gonna have to plow all those tombstones.

-Darth Spanky

PS. When Taguchi and I got to George the Chili King, their power went out. That sucked. The woman behind the counter couldn’t add.

Ann Coulter asks: “How did we go from winning the war in Iraq to losing overnight? Was this decided by the same committee that changed “Peking” to “Beijing”?”

Big Daddy Spanky has news for you, baby. The semantics are irrelevant. We were losing in Iraq a long time ago–from the get-go. That’s because it’s clear as anything that your homeboys in Bushco, such as Don Rumsfeld, etc., had no idea what they were doing. All Ann is doing is merely asserting her own semantics while claiming that the liberals are merely asserting their own.
How can conservatives keep up this bravado? Really?
I’d really like to see Ann take a trip to Baghdad. Let’s give her a really big flag to wave, while we’re at it.

I don’t want her to be gone too long. She’s sooooo sexy.

I heard a rumor, and I hope it’s true. I think Iowa City is getting a Texas Roadhouse. I’m going to destroy some rolls up in there. I can’t wait.

My homeboy SHAMMON (rhymes with “common”) told me a funny story last night. He wanted “something quick,” so he went to Atlas in IC. Anyway, he accidentally ran into some other friends of ours, and then he destroyed a 14-ounce steak, some mashed potatoes, and some choco cake/ice cream. The best part is “something quick.” Atlas considers itself to be a classy joint.

On a related note, Pumpkin’s prohibition on dessert needs serious review. It is noble to destroy a meal, and then follow up with The Keymaster of Calories: dessert. (”I’m the Keymaster.” “I’m the Gatekeeper.” Ah Ghostbusters). If you want to hold a seminar in eating, you gotta rock out some cake.

-Agent Spanky

After I sent Bro Taguchi a bunch of emails on how to make his computer run better (yeah, ok, my timing does suck), he sent me this response today:

“I have 13 goddam emails from you sitting there…waiting for me to do what
you told me to do. Perhaps you can go tell someone else to do until I
finish finals and have time to do the shit you told me to do. It’ll
probably take 2 days. Well? “

READERS OF SOUPY TRUMPET (if you exist): TWEAK YOUR COMPUTERS AND MAKE THEM RUN FASTER. Also, if you’re feeling sorry for Taguchi, leave him a little love note in the comments.