CNN reports that Lindsay Lohan told People that she hasn’t had a drink in a week. (God, how many layers of media bullshit can we add here, including this post of mine? Heh.)

Whoopdeefuckingdoo.

Look, I think it’s seriously positive that she’s doing AA and all that. But, Christ, do we have to report that it’s been a week? Hey, Lindsay, CNN and People: let’s wait for 6 months and see what happens, ok? Can I get a ticker or some sort of clock or something that lets me know how long it has been since my favorite celebs have had a drink or gone to the bathroom or eaten Captain fucking Crunch?

Lindsay can piss off, too, because she’s talking out of both sides of her mouth. The CNN story reads: ” ‘I’ve been going to AA for a year by the way,” Lohan adds. When asked why didn’t she say so until recently, she replies: ‘Well it’s no one’s business. That’s why it’s anonymous!’ “

If it’s no one’s business, you wouldn’t be coughing up shit about the supposed fact that it’s been a week since… blah blah blah.

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Here’s to what it all boils down with these “fevered egos,” as dearly-departed Bill Hicks called them:

“I’m not promoting myself here, but you should check out my website, uh, seriously. Did I mention that I’m not promoting myself? Have you heard about my new movie.”
And by the way, I am not promoting Soupy Trumpet at the moment. I don’t want you to check back. I don’t want you to comment on my posts. Hey, did you see my awesome picture of Jabba eating KFC?

-Agent Spanky McGee