The other day, Taguchi and I were rolling to George the Chili King in Des Moines, Iowa. We were listening to Beck’s Midnight Vultures–which is sooooo good. Every time I hear the line, “I say, laday, step inside my Hyundai” in “Debra,” I think about Grown Pumpkin. Man, I miss him. I’m sure the local Chinese buffet has suffered a big hit in profit since he left us.

Anyway, I was telling Taguchi what laws I’d enact if I were King. First, I’d outlaw having more than one passenger in a vehicle. It is much more noble to consume as much gas as possible. One engine per passenger only. It’s the American way. Second, I’d outlaw cremation and donation of the body to science.

Let me focus on this second bit. It’s super-awesome to plant your dead ass in the ground, with a little marker that says for eternity, “This is my spot. No one else can use this land. And God forbid that anybody find any further use for my body parts that are going to turn to dust otherwise.” It’d be really sweet if we could go into the future. I bet the whole planet is covered in skyscraping tombstones and mausoleums. How the fuck are we going to drive?

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What’s gonna be really badass is that, in the super-future, after humans do the Grand Planetary Hop (because there will be too many tombstones), we’ll swing back through Earth for shits and giggles. Maybe the bodies of the current people will have turned to oil by then. Holy shit! There’s a revelation. The oil is renewable!

Of course, we’re gonna have to plow all those tombstones.

-Darth Spanky

PS. When Taguchi and I got to George the Chili King, their power went out. That sucked. The woman behind the counter couldn’t add.

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