Monthly Archives: December 2006

Piss off, CNN. And you, too, Lindsay.

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CNN reports that Lindsay Lohan told People that she hasn’t had a drink in a week. (God, how many layers of media bullshit can we add here, including this post of mine? Heh.)

Whoopdeefuckingdoo.

Look, I think it’s seriously positive that she’s doing AA and all that. But, Christ, do we have to report that it’s been a week? Hey, Lindsay, CNN and People: let’s wait for 6 months and see what happens, ok? Can I get a ticker or some sort of clock or something that lets me know how long it has been since my favorite celebs have had a drink or gone to the bathroom or eaten Captain fucking Crunch?

Lindsay can piss off, too, because she’s talking out of both sides of her mouth. The CNN story reads: ” ‘I’ve been going to AA for a year by the way,” Lohan adds. When asked why didn’t she say so until recently, she replies: ‘Well it’s no one’s business. That’s why it’s anonymous!’ “

If it’s no one’s business, you wouldn’t be coughing up shit about the supposed fact that it’s been a week since… blah blah blah.

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Here’s to what it all boils down with these “fevered egos,” as dearly-departed Bill Hicks called them:

“I’m not promoting myself here, but you should check out my website, uh, seriously. Did I mention that I’m not promoting myself? Have you heard about my new movie.”
And by the way, I am not promoting Soupy Trumpet at the moment. I don’t want you to check back. I don’t want you to comment on my posts. Hey, did you see my awesome picture of Jabba eating KFC?

-Agent Spanky McGee

Epiphanies: Borat. Google.

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talladeganights2.jpg

Have you noticed that after Sasha Baron Cohen’s Borat has blown up, advertisers, magazines, etc. are pumping up their product with Cohen’s face as much as possible? I’ve seen that the Ricky Bobby people have put much more of him in the commercials now. Before Borat, Cohen was barely seen in the commercials. As LaFawnduh pointed out to me, they might as well flash this on the screen:

RICKY BOBBY HAS THE BORAT GUY

You can see Cohen everywhere now. And I’m sure he loves it. I just think the Ricky Bobby case is funny because you’d think that Will Ferrell has enough draw on his own–but no–it was time to ride on the new coattails. Well, guess what?

NOW SOUPY TRUMPET HAS THE BORAT GUY

We just gave more face time for Cohen, I know. Ah, it feels so good, too.

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In other news, I downloaded Google’s Web Accelerator just for shits and giggles. It’s supposed to speed up browsing by prefetching web pages from links in the page you’re currently viewing. What’s funny is that Google probably makes a mountain of cash off this, because the program is clicking links to their advertisers in the background. They’ve already clicked on Visa.com for you.

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Well, my friends, the Matrix is long and wide. And we’re all in it.

Agent Smith: Then we have a deal?
Cypher: I don’t want to remember nothing. Nothing. And I want to be rich, someone important, like an actor.
Agent Smith: Whatever you want, Mr. Reagan.

Fuck being Cypher. I want to be Agent Smith. I’m going whole hog.

-Agent Spanky

OK, BURRRRRRO. It wasn’t you. Sure.

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ABC reports:
“Two fraternity members filed a lawsuit Nov. 9, alleging they were tricked into making racist and sexist remarks in the spoof documentary Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.
The men, who were not named in the lawsuit, alleged the film’s producers took them to a bar and, after a bout of heavy drinking, they signed release forms agreeing to appear in what they were told would be a documentary shown outside the United States.”

Ok, if you haven’t seen this movie, here is a brief recap of what’s going on in this lawsuit. Borat parties with some fraternity boys in their RV, they all get drunk, and the boys make horrible remarks about women and other races.

The part I don’t get about the lawsuit that they’re claiming to have been tricked to say sexist and racist things. Now I can understand the claim that they had been tricked to be in the movie. But look, bro, it’s called

IN VINO VERITAS

(“Truth in wine”). I’m a fan of the idea that most people are usually disposed to reveal their true colors when they’re drunk. I’m not saying that people are always truthful when they’re drunk; I’m not that stupid. What I do want to say is that those boys probably revealed only what they’re already disposed to disclose.
This is just another case of good ol’ American opportunism. We’ll make a dollar when we can. But you already know that. The classic part, however, is the passing the buck of responsibility. “The lawsuit claimed the film brought them ‘ridicule, humiliation, mental anguish and emotional and physical distress, loss of reputation, goodwill and standing in the community.’ “ So these boys are saying, “The film did all this to me, I did not.”
If you can pass the buck and make a dollar at the same time, that is genius. Pure unabashed genius.

It smells THAT bad?

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http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=2703336&CMP=OTC-RSSFeeds0312

A woman rips a fart on a plane, and then she tries to cover it up by burning some matches. I knew the onions at Taco Bell were bad, but damn. Look, you’re on a plane, and unless you made noise with your ass, more than likely you will not be spotted as the culprit. You act like nothing happened, and everyone will be suspect at the same time. But this is neither here nor there.

Even if you are found out–what’s more embarrassing–being a stinky farter or delaying everyone else’s flight because you lit some matches?

Clooney and DeVito partied. So what?

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CNN? Really? You’re telling me that Clooney and DeVito got drunk together? Hell, Bro Taguchi and I have been blasted a billion times and we didn’t get no stinking write-up. Now, we’re not movie stars. But if you’re going to write about movie stars in your “Entertainment section” tell us something we don’t know.
That’s all you got? That is weak tea. Goddamnit!