Bro Taguchi forwarded this ridiculous email to me today. The title was “I love New Jersey!” and all it said otherwise was “Greetings from the Garden State.” There were a shitload of pics attached, and most of them were of complete dildos. I will here restrain myself to commenting on just two.

I don’t know what kind of trend these boys have going:

But this must be what’s cool. Only makes me think of:

Those girls look normal, but you know they’re not right in the head. Their dates are oompa loompas.

http://kotaku.com/gaming/feature/howto-wear-your-halo-helmet-312046.php

One of the best features about the internet is the ability to see out spectacular mullets. This is awesome.

AtomFilms.com: Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | Comedy Central

This explains the soccer mullet. I can’t believe how informational it is.

On a lighter note, here are some terms for which people have done searches and arrived at the Trumpet:

“Eagles Hotel California Tab”

The Dude: “Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin’ Eagles, man!” Why are you trying to play this song?

“chill bro”

Are you ESL? That’s the only reason I can think of a need to search for this. You’re the new guy. That’s cool, I guess.

“nick swardson gay”

Duh.

“free cat”

What?

“mexican sports”

They rock. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL! Although, I will note that Mexican soccer players still love to rock the mullet. Don’t get me wrong–white boys in America rocked the soccer mullet for a long time (I did), but I think they’ve been over it for a while.

“farting preacher”

These terms, by themselves, are awesome. In the the context of the video, they’re mega-awesome.

“General Butt Naked”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/01/21/liberia.general.ap/

Before he led his fighters into battle, wearing only a pair of lace-up boots, Blahyi [Gen. Butt Naked] said he made a human sacrifice to the devil.

The sacrifice was typically “the killing of an innocent child and plucking out the heart which was divided into pieces for us to eat,” he told The Associated Press on Saturday. He appeared before the commission Jan. 15.

Between the time he made a pact with the devil circa 1980 and began his rampage and the time he stopped fighting in 1996, he said “more than 20,000 people fell victim (to me and my men). They were killed.”

—

In 1996, while charging naked into a battle, Blahyi said God appeared and told him he was a slave to Satan, not the hero he considered himself to be, according to an earlier interview with The Associated Press.

He became a born-again Christian and for a while, traversed the war-wracked streets of Monrovia selling cassettes of his sermons.”

Ok, there are a few points of interest here. (1) this guy is a real asshole (2) his nickname seems like it should be a Halo 3 gamertag, although to use it while having been inspired by Blahyi would be seriously wrong and (3) note the religious narratives involved here.

Yeah, he found Baby Jesus in the end. Whoopdie doo. But notice the power of the Satan story before his little rebirth–he killed 20,000 people. I’m so tired of this nonsensical story about the fucking devil. “There’s some dude, and he’s red, and he lives in a really really hot place, and he tempts you into doing bad things…” It’s sure as hell ain’t the devil that tempts me. It’s ordinary objects themselves. It’s the goddamned XBOX 360, the spicy chicken sandwich, and the… but it ain’t some guy that God can’t or won’t destroy.

The Satan narrative is standard on the Jesus package. The pope can rail against atheists all he wants, but he seems to forget all the crimes perpetrated by believers who kills their kids in all sorts of deranged ways–all in the name of the characters of an incoherent story: “An angel told me to…” “The devil told me to…” “God told me to…..”

How many innocents have died as a result of this phenomenon?

These assholes are responsible. But note the ideology they invoked. And the pope pulls the same move I am making with individual atheists who do perpetrate crimes. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, Benedict.