We saw the Diplomats of Solid Sound at the Mill last night.  That’s a band you should gather your peeps for every time they’re in town.   And of course the ladies are…uh…entertaining.  I like how the fellas are all business in their suits.  Can’t tell you bout it…gotta go see ‘em.  They draw the ladies to the dance floor…nuff said.  They get 4.5 Taguchis.

This may represent the funniest 6.5 minutes in skit TV history. It gets a 5.0 rating on the Trump.

Seriously…

This one could make him upset…and justifiably so (”yeah, I remember grindin my feet in Eddie Murphy’s couch”). I’ll say it for you: “Hate, hate, hate…hate, hate, hate, hate.”

Within about 2 days of one another, 2 sad and longstanding traditions rode off into the sunset.

On Dec. 6, the Cardinals released So Taguchi. 99 came to STL from Japan in 2002 and didn’t carry much of a stick when he first arrived. He worked his way up to a regular platoon player and put in 4 solid seasons, although his skills have visibly dissipated at the age of 38, especially defensively. He will be forever revered for the high heater from Billy Wagner that he turned around in the 9th inning of Game 2 of the 2006 NLCS:

I will also remember this game, where Taguchi hit the game-tying HR in the 8th and made a catch crashing into the ivy at Wrigley (the same day Pujols hit 3 jacks). I think he’s a Phillie now…ick.

On Dec. 8, Bro Taguchi hung up the TRH apron for good after 9 years. Since I’ve been assured that I’m a first-ballot HOFer, I’d like to go ahead and thank all the people who helped me get to where I am:

First, ol Captain Mulletude…thanks for getting it all started. Gar-Bear (aka Lloyd Christmas aka Frank the Tank aka Holy Stoli)…I trained for my first job in a restaurant right next to Santino. Why you so pumped up? Suz, Bob, Mo and Pee-nut. Fat Bruce taught me to relish forays into the TC. Thanks to Pumpkin for every food concotion we came up with: Louisiana-1, the Hoag, Jack’s pizza in the melter + buffalo…even cold beef tips out of the pan was a form of art. Co-sign, teabag, you-face, bloop and skeeny. Delfino, Leaky Pipes, MCP, Nasty Nate, Beef Curtains, James Porter, Zacnpeebs, Heater, Skeez, Brothers Grunt and Bennigan’s Bathroom. Last but not least…Fat Leonard (aka Billy Joel aka Lyle Lovett aka Tom Hanks aka Uncle Legend aka “Christy, can I get 3 vodka and cranberries to go?”)…the other half of Double Dragon. We all ripped it up.

My lifetime achievement award goes to Pumpkin. Sample material:
Pumpkin (at the start of a shift, going up to one of the girls working): Whew, I’m glad you’re here tonight.
Girl: Why?
Pumpkin: I was afraid I’d be the only dude working.
(It usually got a delightful response)

Pumpkin is hereby officially called out and charged with a severe case of “Atlanta Falcons Rosy Shades”

The franchise is a disaster right now. No denying it. I’m not saying they can’t get it back together. It’s the NFL…anything can happen overnight. But Pumpkin gets indicted for this:

Pumpkin (txt): …we are signing jacksonville d coordinator as atl head coach Mike Smith

Taguchi (txt): You mean Pete Carroll wasn’t so serious about the job? Shocking

Pumpkin (txt): They just went ahead without him…he didn’t make the final cut of 4 coaches anyway

What you meant was: “We built him a cake 2 weeks ago, but we haven’t heard back yet.”

Final cut is an 8th grade basketball team concept. You never saw a kid get all the way to the day of the cuts and say, “Coach, I think I’m just gonna stick with band and Spanish.” Cuts are when the coach has to shoo people away.

It’s a fact that Pete Carroll did not interview for the job. One report said Carroll would turn down the job (before an interview), while another said the Falcons took Carroll off their list. So there’s no telling what happened there.

It’s also a fact that Jason Garrett withdrew from consideration for the job after interviewing twice. In addition, another guy from the Cowboys, Tony Sporano, interviewed with the Falcons but signed with the Dolphins (this article basically tells the whole story). So, of the 8-9ish available coaches whose names were linked to the Falcons job in any way, also including Leslie Frazier, Mike Singletary & Josh McDaniels, 4 of them (Garrett, Sporano, McDaniels and at least arguably Carroll) said some variation of “no thanks.” However, to Pumpkin, the Dirty Birds had cut to a list of 4 and they flat out passed on one of the most attractive candidates. The Falcons have been turned down more times in the past 2 weeks than John Hinckley Jr, but Pumpkin manages to convince himself that he snagged this chick (and not the other way around):

I can’t say that the hire is a bad hire…in fact, most indications are that it’s a good one. In PumpkinWorld, tho, they got the clear-cut prom queen. The end-of-season race for coaches in the NFL is unpredictable, and it usually depends on who gets knocked out of the playoffs first (if the Jags were still alive then Pumpkin’s #1 would still not be available). And I’ve seen the Dirties hire the “right” coach 2 times in the last 4 years. This hiring process was pretty typical…maybe even longer than most. You got a good coach…and PBJ will never be gourmet. I don’t wanna hear about all the hot chicks you turned down.

Sorry little fella…had to.