I just found an article that shows a backup player named Grey Ruegamer for the NFC Champion New York Giants castrates lambs with his teeth in the off-season. With all the Tom Brady talk leading up to the Super Bowl, I thought this was a funny article to surface days before the “big game”. This guy is a backup lineman on the underdog team and it is about biting the junk off of animals…that is pretty much a non-story. Oddly enough this guy won a Super Bowl with the New England Patriots a few years back…which makes it a Good Morning America “feel good” story.

A friend of the Trumpet–who nonetheless would not want to be associated with the antics of the Trumpet–once found this picture tucked away in a book. Click on the thumbnail for true awesomeness:

Questions abound, my friends.

1. Who are these guys?

2. Where do we get our hands on their tape? Note that there are two barely visible creases in bottom half of the picture. The original picture fit a tape case perfectly. These guys were passing this out as their demo pic. Amazing!

3. Who’s who? I think that it goes, from left to right: bassist, lead singer, guitarist, and then drummer. The lead singer is the top dog of this outfit, and I assure you that he insisted on being THE GUY WITH THE DRIPPING BLOOD.

Notice that the drummer is taking a bite out of the upside down cross. I kinda doubt that that will tack on any penalty to his sentence in Hell, but maybe the Gatekeeper will bring up that move as a point of interest. At any rate, I’m sure I will find out since I’m headed there, too. (Although I don’t believe it, since Hell is one of the biggest pieces of bullshit we’ve ever conjured…)

4. Where are they now? I’m betting that a few of them are high-powered lawyers and university deans…

5. Where in the hell do you get spikes that big? Does dad make them for you in the workshop? “Well, son, I don’t understand, but I’m glad you have some kind of goddamned hobby…”

6. Are these guys friends with Tipper Gore?

If you or any of your friends know these guys, contact us ASAP. Bro Taguchi and I will need to hear the tape immediately.

-Spanks

On Friday I saw the new Rambo movie starring and directed by Sylvester Stallone. I bought the Ultimate Rambo DVD Collection at Best Buy and it came with a free ticket to the new theatrical release…so really it cost me about $10-$12 for three DVD’s and a ticket to the new movie… as good as that sounds, I may have been jobbed by still paying that much. Anyway, the movie is super short and Sly looks like a douche his brother Frank at the beginning of the movie with his highwater pants and loose fitting clothing. The plot is extremely blah and unbelievable and the acting is dreadful and cliché. That being said…when I woke up about midway in, Sly was buff and muddy, and killing people like crazy and *poof* I am now transported back to the old-school and am eating Rambo up.

His kills are extremely over the top including blown off limbs, chopped off heads, and torn out throats. I lost track of how many people were killed in the movie after about 3 so I looked it up. Little did I know that Rambo death stats are readily available across the net and I gathered ours from DarkHorizons.com who gathered theirs from other sources (on their page).

236 is the total kill count number of this film… the good guys only had a +10 k/d ratio (Halo Reference) and Rambo accounted for just at 35% of the total kills in the film. There are over 2.5 kills per minute in this film. Ironically Rambo never parlayed any of this straight manliness into any tail in any of the movies. In fact the main woman in the film is married and he appears to not be interested in a the only hot woman in the jungle.

Is the kill count a product of Sly being all ‘jacked up’ on HGH? I don’t know anything about human growth hormone except what Roger Clemens and friends have lied said about it. Chances are you just get huge Rambo man-titty-balls and no real side-effects. Regardless it is notable that athletes are in front of congress, getting in trouble, losing work and such for using H.G.H. but actors can get swoll for movies with no consequence… even endorsing it’s use. Either way I don’t care, I’ll stick with the seasonal McRibs to get big.

Just like Star Wars, Spice Girls, Coca-Cola Classic, Pumpkin owning a dog, the Oakland Raiders, and all things ONCE arguably good; reportedly the New Kids On the Block (NKOTB) are coming back again.  This is a HOT MESS.  I didn’t make it up, and only part of that picture is photoshopped.  I am not hoping for them to fail…just NOT to catch back on.  Please no more Joey McIntyre or Jordan Knight solo albums…Marky Mark Wahlberg’s brother Donnie Wahlberg is a decent actor - this may hurt that credibility, and also who is Danny Wood anyway?