It’s plainly evident that a person can no longer do the work of a politician unless he or she has the right kind of private sex with the right kind of person.

Proper sex is a rigorous test here in the U.S. Yep, you can tell bald-faced lies that drag a nation into a needless war that kills thousands of soldiers and kills hundreds of thousands of civilians. You can torture and you can spy and you can hang out with all kinds of corrupt assholes. If you do these things, a minor-distribution newspaper might raise a question or two several years down the road. No biggie.

But God help a politician who has an orgasm in private with a person to whom the citizens of New York haven’t given their stamp of approval.

Elliot Spitzer had sex, in private, with a woman who wasn’t his wife? “Gad, how could he possibly be qualified to be governor?” chant all of the holy and moral politicians on the sidelines. Those protesting “holy” politicians are the ones who feign lots of anger in public while, in the privacy of their homes they lap up the salacious accounts of Elliot’s young and beautiful consensual sex partner; they virtually lick the words off their newspapers as part of the process of working up more faux rage for tomorrow’s press conference. They practice their horrified expressions in their mirrors, so that they can make it clear to the People how awful it is for two adults to have consensual sex where money is exchanged instead of a diamond ring.

Let’s write it into the federal and state constitutions that the People need to be well-informed about the sex practices of all politicians and that these politicians should only engage in “proper” sex. If not, we’ll destroy their careers so that some morally superior political hack, the kind that practices only missionary-position-half-dressed-in-the-dark-with-his-spouse sex, can take over and enact the superior kind of government policy that is only understood by those who politicians who practice “proper sex.”

Let’s at least be consistent. If proper sexual practices are really part of the qualifications for being a politician, let’s put “sex cams” on all politicians, 24 hours every day. Let’s make sure that they are all having enough sex, for starters. After all, we wouldn’t want a politician who doesn’t have sex at all, right, Hillary? Alternatively, it would be weird to have a politician who pretends to have a warm relationship with a spouse she can barely stand to be near. Or do my eyes deceive me?

To properly govern, our politicians apparently need to be top-rated properly certified sexual beings. Let’s make sure that all of our politicians have the right kind of sex—not too conventional and not too wild. Let the cameras role and then let’s talk mostly about sex at political debates.

At those political debates, let’s talk about sex instead of discussing children who are needlessly dying of diseases or corrupt contracts to buy ever-bigger conventional weapons that we’ll use to totally level the last few surviving Iraqi neighborhoods. Let’s talk about sex instead of stopping the torture or slowing the flow of K-Street lobbyists into the White House. Let’s talk about sex instead of kicking the shit out of huge corrupt blood-sucking corporations, which is what Elliot Spitzer often did, once upon a time.