From the Chicago Tribune:

The Cubs have pleaded with Carlos Zambrano to drink fluids during starts to prevent the cramping that has haunted him in the past, but their words have fallen on deaf ears.

And when Zambrano’s most dominant Opening Day performance was halted in the seventh inning Monday by forearm cramps, leaving him winless in four opening starts, the “water” question cropped up again.

This dude has apparently never heard of hydration. When asked about it, Zambrano said

he felt OK and conceded he has to “drink water” to prevent the cramping. Zambrano also repeated he would do something so “it doesn’t happen again” (my emphasis).

Something? Something? Dude just said he has to drink water, so how about trying that to ensure “it doesn’t happen again?” Now Griff would be very pleased if he sticks to drinking coffee, but COME ON.

This is where things get really funny:

The Cubs have had different theories for Zambrano’s cramps, dating back to former manager Dusty Baker’s contention that Zambrano may have carpel tunnel syndrome from working on his computer so often.

Zambrano even curtailed his computer use for a while, but the cramping has not stopped being an issue.

Maybe the dude’s looking up his “cramping problem” on WebMD. Indeed, the conclusion of the article indicates he has not yet been able to diagnose himself:

After a brief postgame interview session, Zambrano refused to answer questions about it at his locker after Monday’s game, showing the frustration of a man who’s constantly looking for answers.

I got your answer, son: Stop reading about Mudbutt on Soupy Trumpet and get yourself a glass of agua…it’s that clear stuff that comes out of your kitchen fregadero.