All right. Due to Spanky and sich freuen’s completely unnecessary posts (see also here) and comments on various ointments they like to put on their nipples, sacks, and other sensitive areas, Griff has (as promised) put together a post on those things that men don’t like to think talk about. However, in order to make it a worthwhile post, I have decided to present you Soupy Trumpet readers with a list of facts about these “gross” topics that is both interesting and informative - unlike certain posts about bag cream and the like. So here goes:

1. Terminology: Would you learn to get it straight once and for all? The area that includes the vaginal opening, the clit, the labia, the urethra, and the “mons veneris” (the so-called “bearded clam”) is called the ‘vulva’, not the ‘vagina’. The vagina is the canal that links the external sex organs with the reproductive organs. You guys are lucky if you get past the vaginal vestibule. For more instructive charts, click here.

2. “Sanitary” Products: As much as tampons and pads freak you guys out (try getting your bf to buy you “supplies”), it turns out that menstrual blood is actually very clean. In fact, it’s a hell of a lot cleaner than that bleeding paper cut you got turning the pages of Big Jugs Monthly. And it looks like it might be an as-of-yet-untapped source of stem cells!

 

3. Sometimes it gets itchy “down there”: Yes, vaginal yeast infections are gross. No one likes an itchy crotch (or cottage-cheesy vaginal discharge). But did you know that men can get them too?

4. Strange-shaped Titties: It’s not uncommon for one breast to be bigger/smaller/higher/lower than the other one, especially at certain times of the month. This is not abnormal, so don’t get weirded out if your woman’s a little lopsided. (Cosmo claims that it’s usually the left booby that is larger, but Griff doesn’t read Cosmo, let alone trust any “facts” they present.) Additionally, it’s often men that notice lumps or changes in their women’s tatas, so if you feel something weird while you’re groping around aimlessly, tell your woman ASAP. We also often enjoy you guys doing our breast exams for us, so learn how! Case in point below: Jason Giambi checks this babe for lumps with a permanent marker. (Think he’s wearing his magic gold thong?)

 

5. The Clit: Kim Cattrall (”Samantha” of Sex and the City) boldly writes: “The women of the world want you to know that the clitoris is about an inch from where you think it is.” Amen. Many sites tell you not to feel ashamed if you can’t find it. Well, Griff is here to tell you that you should feel very ashamed! I know it’s (hopefully) smaller than your magnificent love rod which no one could miss, but it is very unlikely that you will be able to make your woman happy without knowing where it is. So stop talking about your balls and get to work finding the one thing that will make your woman roll her eyes in sarcasm ecstacy.

Sphere: Related Content

Weezer reminds us about how dorky we all are for loving the internet–for being on on it.

Brilliant. It’s a “best-of” video.

And if you don’t recognize many of the clips in this video, you’re a damned Luddite.

The tune isn’t bad. It’s pretty classic Weezer, but that can’t hurt anybody.

-MC Spanky McGee

Sphere: Related Content

According to this story, Hillary Clinton will concede that Obama has enough delegates to secure the nomination for the democratic presidential candidate:

WASHINGTON - Hillary Rodham Clinton will concede Tuesday night that Barack Obama has the delegates to secure the Democratic nomination, campaign officials said, effectively ending her bid to be the nation’s first female president.

Obama is 40 delegates shy of clinching the nomination, but he is widely expected to make up the difference Tuesday with superdelegate support and votes in South Dakota and Montana. Once he reaches the magic number of 2,118, Clinton will acknowledge that he has secured the necessary delegates to be the nominee.

The former first lady will stop short of formally suspending or ending her race in her speech in New York City.

She will pledge to continue to speak out on issues like health care. But for all intents and purposes, the two senior officials said, the campaign is over. [...]

The advisers said Clinton has made a strategic decision to not formally end her campaign, giving her leverage to negotiate with Obama on various matters including a possible vice presidential nomination for her. She also wants to press him on issues he should focus on in the fall, such as health care.

How much leverage should she have though if Obama has secured a necessary and sufficient number of delegates? Presumably she will have leverage via her supporters and Obama’s need to make nice with them. But if this is true:

A tsunami of superdelegates is poised to rush to Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) over the next 12 hours, giving him a mathematical lock on his party’s presidential nomination.

The superdelegate surge is likely to swamp a few holdouts within the camp of Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-Ill.) who have been resisting a prompt concession.

Then Clinton isn’t really doing Obama any kind of “favor,” nor can she say she is conceding out of good will for the democratic party, since she won’t have an f’n choice anyway. Or am I being uncharitable here? The last report continues:

Aides say Clinton does not plan to concede or bid supporters farewell when she speaks in New York tonight, but instead will salute her supporters and argue for the strength of her candidacy.

But her clout is ebbing by the hour. At 6:56 a.m. Eastern time, the Obama campaign announced the first of the day’s slew of endorsements by superdelegates – the Democratic Party officials who have a vote on the nominee and will determine who it is, since neither Obama nor Clinton have won enough delegates in primaries and caucuses to put them over the top.

Sphere: Related Content

Cheney apologizes to West Virginians for inbreeding joke

Vice President Dick Cheney apologized Monday for what his spokeswoman called “an inappropriate attempt at humor” that implied that inbreeding is common among West Virginians, a remark that elicited outrage from the state’s senior senator. “

“So, I had Cheneys on both sides of the family — and we don’t even live in West Virginia,” Cheney cracked. After pausing for laughter from the crowd, Cheney added, “You can say those things when you’re not running for re-election.” “

Cheney had the nerve to front-load the “joke” in way that reflected his belief that he didn’t have to apologize. In fact, I think in light of the addition to the joke, we don’t have to take the apology seriously. The addendum showed that this was not a misstatement; he deliberated–and delivered.

He meant it–as much as he meant to go to war with Saddam. He basically said: “And I won’t have to take it back.”

It does probably get frustrating to measure always what one has to say in the spotlight. I’m sure that these people probably cuss up a storm behind hermetically-sealed doors.

But politicians don’t get a free pass when they’re not up for re-election. They can’t just insult at anyone at will. But it’s not as if this kind of disrespect for the common person is new from the Bush administration. They’ve been dissing us all along.

-MC Spanky McGee

Sphere: Related Content