Aretha? Celeste? Bovary? Mulva? A promised post about 5 things that freak men out.

All right. Due to Spanky and sich freuen’s completely unnecessary posts (see also here) and comments on various ointments they like to put on their nipples, sacks, and other sensitive areas, Griff has (as promised) put together a post on those things that men don’t like to think talk about. However, in order to make it a worthwhile post, I have decided to present you Soupy Trumpet readers with a list of facts about these “gross” topics that is both interesting and informative – unlike certain posts about bag cream and the like. So here goes:

1. Terminology: Would you learn to get it straight once and for all? The area that includes the vaginal opening, the clit, the labia, the urethra, and the “mons veneris” (the so-called “bearded clam”) is called the ‘vulva’, not the ‘vagina’. The vagina is the canal that links the external sex organs with the reproductive organs. You guys are lucky if you get past the vaginal vestibule. For more instructive charts, click here.

Vagina!

2. “Sanitary” Products: As much as tampons and pads freak you guys out (try getting your bf to buy you “supplies”), it turns out that menstrual blood is actually very clean. In fact, it’s a hell of a lot cleaner than that bleeding paper cut you got turning the pages of Big Jugs Monthly. And it looks like it might be an as-of-yet-untapped source of stem cells!

Tampon Dolls 

3. Sometimes it gets itchy “down there”: Yes, vaginal yeast infections are gross. No one likes an itchy crotch (or cottage-cheesy vaginal discharge). But did you know that men can get them too?

4. Strange-shaped Titties: It’s not uncommon for one breast to be bigger/smaller/higher/lower than the other one, especially at certain times of the month. This is not abnormal, so don’t get weirded out if your woman’s a little lopsided. (Cosmo claims that it’s usually the left booby that is larger, but Griff doesn’t read Cosmo, let alone trust any “facts” they present.) Additionally, it’s often men that notice lumps or changes in their women’s tatas, so if you feel something weird while you’re groping around aimlessly, tell your woman ASAP. We also often enjoy you guys doing our breast exams for us, so learn how! Case in point below: Jason Giambi checks this babe for lumps with a permanent marker. (Think he’s wearing his magic gold thong?)

 Giambi Gives Woman Breast Exam?

5. The Clit: Kim Cattrall (“Samantha” of Sex and the City) boldly writes: “The women of the world want you to know that the clitoris is about an inch from where you think it is.” Amen. Many sites tell you not to feel ashamed if you can’t find it. Well, Griff is here to tell you that you should feel very ashamed! I know it’s (hopefully) smaller than your magnificent love rod which no one could miss, but it is very unlikely that you will be able to make your woman happy without knowing where it is. So stop talking about your balls and get to work finding the one thing that will make your woman roll her eyes in sarcasm ecstacy.

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About Pastafari Griff

Pastafari Griff, Queen of Truthiness, is a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and is also a theist of a..."different" sort. Her version of ID theory concludes that it is possible that the FSM created the world (which at that time consisted of trees, mountains, and a midget) with his noodly appendage. While definitely NOT a burrito connoisseur, she does enjoy rocking out fried chicken and swine (not necessarily at the same time) on a regular basis. She IS, however, a PBR connoisseur, and for some reason claims that 'PBR' can be used as a verb, which should be performed "ASAP". She, too, is a fan of the Wendy's #6, though she opposes the addition of pepperjack to it (pace Spanky). P-Griff (as she is also known) strongly dislikes many Republican politicians, especially those who use Xianity as a justification for foreign and domestic policy. Of course, she knows for a fact that God is, indeed, on HER side, so it must be the case that everything she says is right. Her mood hinges upon the combined performance of the Iowa Hawkeyes, the Green Bay Packers, and the Milwaukee Brewers. Needless to say, she's a surly bastard much of the time. She legitimately hates the Yankees, but supports the Germans in national soccer. (No, there really isn't any logical connection between those two clauses.) She also still loves Brett Favre, and she hopes the "nice farm" the Packers sent him to is taking good care of him. P-Griff is obsessed with LOST, 24, The Daily Show, and the Colbert Report...in no particular order. She wants to do it with Sawyer, be rescued by and then do it with Jack Bauer, and have babies with both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert...in no particular order. Of course, since the latter two fantasies are highly unlikely - and impossible to perform at the same time - she'd be happy just to hang with the dudes. P-Griff also enjoys her vices, which are too many to list here. Despite all that, she is a born-again virgin who enjoys listening to Sandi Patti, Nine Inch Nails, and Europop. _ "[She's] a walking contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction, taking every wrong direction on [her] lonely way back home." Additionally, P-Griff is of the opinion that "there's still a lot of wine and lonely girls in this best of all possible worlds." (Thanks Kris and Gottfried!) _ Let us all raise up our hands skyward (in the direction of the immaterial Flying Spaghetti Monster in all his noodly glory) and say boldly... "RA-MEN!!!"

8 thoughts on “Aretha? Celeste? Bovary? Mulva? A promised post about 5 things that freak men out.

  1. Spanky: Get the basics down before you move on to more complicated areas. But if you need some enlightenment: “Taint is a slang term used to refer to the perineum (the region of the human body between the testicles or vulva and the anus). It is a portmanteau of “it ain’t.” This term has no basis in medical terminology and is most often considered lewd and mildly obscene. The “taint” is also referred to as Gooch, or a dirty half-inch.” (from Wikipedia)

    SF: The mere fact that you ask means you’re not ready.

  2. Well, either it doesn’t really exist or it moves to a different spot each time you go lookin’.

    [DISCLAIMER: SF doesn't really have any trouble with this stuff; he's just trying to fuck with Griff.]

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