About Bro Taguchi

I'm pretty decent...it's true.

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBUUUUUUHHLE…

McHale clotheslines Rambis

Before Kevin McHale hit Kurt Rambis, the Lakers were just running across the street whenever they wanted. Now they stop at the corner, push the button, wait for the light, and look both ways.

–Cedric Maxwell

Or put another way:

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7r6vXeOfyQ[/youtube]

(In the 1984 NBA Finals, the Lakers ran the Celtics out of the gym in Game 3.  Larry Bird responded by publicly calling his team “a bunch of wimps” and “sissies.”  Kevin McHale responded by clotheslining Kurt Rambis in the 2nd quarter of Game 4.  Boston won the series in 7 games.  Game 4 is still one of the greatest games in NBA history.  Bird hit a turnaround J with less than a minute left in OT to seal the win)

I’m pumped.  –Gooch

Neckin’ at the Ballgame

Two lesbians were making out at the Mariners’ game last week and were asked to stop by an usher.

Certain individuals have not yet caught up. Those people see a gay or lesbian couple and they stare or say something,” said Josh Friedes of Equal Rights Washington. “This is one of the challenges of being gay. Everyday things can become sources of trauma.

Backup, bro. You forgot an important element…they saw a lesbian couple making out. And I challenge the idea that making out is an “everyday thing.” As my ex-girlfriend’s mom used to say, making out in public is tacky. At least make sure you’re in an unoccupied section of the ballpark before you start getting close…like these two (ironically, I believe this is also from a Mariners’ game in the old Kingdome and I can’t believe I’m posting it…link only tho):

view.aspx?ContentID=353366

This legendary video is also extremely tacky. But, of course, we love the soft-porn, don’t we?

More importantly, do we really expect to throw gay nookie at the masses and expect them to accept? It’s an advanced concept.

“I was really just shocked,” Guerrero said. “Seattle is so gay-friendly. There was a couple like seven rows ahead making out. We were just showing affection.”

Shocked? Come oooooooooon….Granted, the straight couple making out needs to be smacked upside the head. But gay-friendliness has nothing to do with gay-making-out friendliness. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “We’re trying to have a society here!” Gay culture is a slightly nuanced issue for 5-year-olds to handle. Granted, we’re trying to move that society toward accepting ALL people…but a 5-year-old may still ask his mother why a disabled individual is in a wheelchair or why a Muslim is wearing a burqa. And they definitely will ask why those two women are making out two rows ahead. Mommy may not be ready to answer, and that’s Mommy’s own fault. But it’s not that shocking…even in Seattle. When you make a display at the ballgame, like the lesbian fan base of the New York Liberty made it a point to do several years ago, you’re going to cause a stir. If you wanna do that…fine by me. Maybe not fine by others. But you can’t possibly be SOOOOO shocked when someone kindly asks the usher to quash the PDA.

The same goes for drunken behavior at a game and many other unnecessary pasttimes. Nobody needs to buy a ticket to have a mack-session. It’s like I told the Sierra Club, there’s a difference between where we want to be as a society and where we are. You can force-feed if you want, but don’t be surprised by the reactions of those who “have not yet caught up.

Furthermore, I understand that these issues should be brought to the surface, but not under the auspices of victimization. Victimization damages your own cause. What I’m asking you to do is to create advanced responses to un-advanced human reactions.

The best response to the usher’s request? “Sure. We’ll stop kissing if you ask the couple down there to stop kissing.” Then keep kissing til he does it…and don’t be shocked by the backlash. Be prepared to leave the stadium. Don’t tell CNN how shocked you are. None of us are shocked.

(Wow–look at the Gooch walking the tightrope on that one…yes-but, if-but, yes-but)

A little ditty about a boy and his pizza…

I ordered from Papa John’s last night.  I requested a large pizza with sausage and green pepper.  What I got was sausage and pepperoni (an understandable mistake, albeit totally unacceptable).  So I pouted for a minute, but I can roll with just about any pizza topping, so I was ready to dive in.  Then I looked in the fridge and realized I had my own green pepper in there.  So i started slicing the green pepper up in hopes of topping my own pie.  I was so proud of myself.  Then I realized that raw green pepper isn’t the same as oven-baked green pepper.  That’s when I had a stroke of genius.  I warmed up the oven, applied my green peppers, and threw that baby in for another 6-8 minutes or so.  What I got was a revelation.  The peppers were perfect, and that thick, hand-tossed crust had gotten perfectly crispy.  I turned a doughy mess into a perfect pie.

Now, I know people who will only use the oven to warm up leftover pizza (Spanky), but I’ve never seen anyone throw a freshly delivered pizza in the oven.  I’m converted.  I may only order cheese pizza from now on and dress it up myself.  That would conceivably save at least a buck or two on each order.  Plus, your pizza will always be fresh out of the oven (instead of being fresh out of this dude’s hatchback):

I don’t think this plan would work well with something like a Pizza Hut thin crust.  You’d end up with plywood.

Dave Grohl Open Letter to Metallica

On the site antimusic.com, Dave Grohl wrote an open letter to Metallica:

Dear Metallica, Hey, it’s Dave! Remember me? Yeah, I’m the guy that’s been listening to your band faithfully since 1983. I bought your first album ‘Kill ‘Em All’ from a mailorder catalogue called Under The Rainbow, I think. Actually I can’t remember. It was 1983 for Christsakes! But that album changed my life and I’ve been listening to your albums ever since (even ‘St Anger’!).

I can’t wait to hear the new sh*t, and no matter what you guys do I’ll always be first one at the shop waiting to hear it. I’m sure you’ll come out and blow everybody’s f**kin’ minds, because you’re f**kin’ METALLICA!

Good luck. And don’t release it until it’s kick-ass.

Yours, Dave Grohl.

P.S. Are you finished recording the drums yet?

My interpretation: Metallica used to rock. St. Anger sucked. If at any point you realize the product is going to (again) stain your legacy with another disaster, don’t release it. PS–Lars used to rock. Now he sucks. Call me.

(none of this is groundbreaking. Spanky said it long ago)

I hope I’m not helping publicize a scam.

-Gooch

Dems, Gas Taxes and (more) Red Herring

Hillary supports a gas tax holiday (wherein the federal government would suspend its 18.4-cent per gallon tax for a few months). She decided to start pumping this idea a couple weeks after John McCain started pumping the idea. Obama opposes the gas tax holiday. Here’s why (in short, because it won’t work). The two sides have gone back and forth now, with Obama issuing a recent ad in North Carolina dissing the holiday idea.

I’m not arguing merits. I’m more concerned about what Howard Wolfson said regarding Senator Obama’s opposition to the idea:

“That’s a critical distinction in this race between, in Senator Clinton, someone who understands the pain that middle class and working class families are feeling…and Senator Obama, somebody who just doesn’t seem to understand that middle class families are hurting, working class families are hurting and that they need relief,” Clinton Communications Director Howard Wolfson said.

Actually, Howard, the distinction is that Camp Clinton only wants to talk about the symptoms. The remedy is bunk, no matter how you slice it. A three-month suspension of the gas tax will do nothing but advance America’s debt, even if it does help keep Americans pumped full of nicotine and Nikes, and rob billions of dollars from federal highway development. That means workers and suppliers with no work to do. The holiday a classic political kiss-up to the voting masses. It’s a horrible solution. Does it remind you of any other recent political band-aids (to take your mind off the fact that a $500 billion war is sucking your economy dry)? It takes absolutely no economic or political expertise to know that these are ridiculous initiatives that will only cost more in the end.

Hill also busts BO’s chops with a last-minute Indiana TV ad including the following nugget:

“(Obama) is attacking Hillary’s plan to give you a break on gas prices because he doesn’t have one,”

He also doesn’t have a plan to invade Canada. Ergo, he won’t be ready at 3 AM because he’ll be too busy being a Muslim and plagiarizing Reverend Wright’s book on how to be an elitist. This crap is so knuckleheaded it couldn’t even fool this dude:

…right? Please…tell me they won’t fall for this. We just need enough people to point out what it really is. We are reaching a breaking point. It STILL may not be this week…but it’s coming.

Ralph:

http://image.vmixcore.com/85/285/25/4719080/104/85/47/3a0c0953e74086074c2d5536f12911ee.jpg

Jalino’s Pizza (Boulder, CO)

I don’t know how to go about plugging food that most Trumpet readers don’t have access to…but Jalino’s is easily the best pizza I’ve ever eaten. I don’t know what else to say about this place. SOOOOO $$$$$$$. I was riding around Boulder with 4 people who were: (1) probably sick of hearing me talk about pizza and (2) not as excited as I was to pick one up. Then they ate it…all were amazed. These pizza-makers are ambitious enough to put out a special Thanksgiving pizza with turkey, veggies, carmelized onions and other goodies. Apparently, people drive for hours to get their hands on those in November. Pizza gourmets. I could go on, but you gotta do this yo-self.

Long story short…if you’re ever in Boulder, look up Jalino’s. Tell ‘em the Gooch gives a shout.

PS–don’t order a large for yourself…it will take 3 days to eat it.

Soupy Trumpet Blasts from the Web 4-27-08

Washington Post:

Grand Theft Auto Release set for 4-29-08 leaked to web late last week

ESPN.com:

Falcons Select Ryan, Pumpkin trying to stay positive

Magic, Jazz both go up 3-1; Hawks Beat Celtics, series at 2-1

Cupcakes.net:

Lars is still a Major Player in the Douche Bag Game

MSN.com:

Afghan President Karzai Survives Assassination Attempt

The Onion:

Badly Injured Man Not Done Partying Yet

Stoner Regales Friends with Tale of This One Bong he Saw in Iowa City Once (archive)

Iowa City Summer of the Arts:

Lineup for July 4 weekend Jazz Fest is a Juggernaut (MMW, Schofield, Redman)

Taguchi’s Guide to the Shared Office Bathroom (Part 1)

I’ve been busy and a little off the radar lately, but I have to squeeze this one in. My office shares a private bathroom with a couple other floors in our building. I would estimate that there are approximately 30-50 men on 2-3 floors who share this bathroom (with 3 stools and urinal). It requires a push-button code to get in so it’s not open to the public (as if the fact that it’s on the 7th floor of an office building isn’t good enough).

I’ve only had this job for 4 months, but I have literally dozens of bathroom stories…but the greatest of all took place today. Most folks understand the value of having a private toilet experience. I knew a guy in college who bucked this trend and would go throughout our fraternity house looking for someone to go double-barrel in our 2-stall main bathroom. He referred to this as a “power shit,” but I digress.

I had worked out a system to avoid too many embarrassing moments in the can. For example, you don’t want people knowing that it was you who bombed the place out or made those disgusting movements, noises or releases while they were sharing your jon space (I know, it’s absurd…that’s where you go to do those things). I usually run up there when I know I’m good and ready to go. I keep it short, flush twice and clean up the aftermath quickly. Then I go to the urinal (don’t like to go sitting down), wash up and roll out. I can do all of this in about 2 minutes. If someone else happens to join me while I’m getting it done, so be it. I can’t control everything. There will be times that you are either on the giving or receiving end of a total missile launch in passing, and that’s unavoidable. But, still, I like to get in and out and try to keep it respectable. If it’s going to be nuclear, I wait til I get home (for lunch or end of day).

I realized today that I’ve got it all wrong. This afternoon I rolled into said work station to handle a simple numero uno and immediately noticed feet beneath the door at the end of the row of 4 stalls. I took note and went to do my thing with the attitude of “too bad…I interrupted that guy’s private moment…sucks for him.” Within 4-6 seconds of my entry, I heard the loudest, most reverberating series of 3 whole note toilet farts I had ever experienced. It sounded like Adam Jones’ guitar (which to me sounds like a plane taking off). The impact rattled my cage and probably blurred my vision for a moment. I mean these things modulated, starting at a distinct bass clef pitch, then down a half-step, then back up. And that’s when it hit me…suddenly I realized that I was the one who had been put on the defensive. I found myself racing to get outta there. No way did I want to encounter the monster with the black loafers behind that stall door…and I sure as hell wasn’t going to wait for the smell to waft it’s way over. I finished up, washed hands and bolted. This guy earned his moment of solitude.  I can’t even try to steal his material, it was so good…and trust me, he HAD TO KNOW I was there.

Here’s to you, Mr. Blackloafers…I will NEVER forget you.