About Pastafari Griff

Pastafari Griff, Queen of Truthiness, is a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and is also a theist of a..."different" sort. Her version of ID theory concludes that it is possible that the FSM created the world (which at that time consisted of trees, mountains, and a midget) with his noodly appendage. While definitely NOT a burrito connoisseur, she does enjoy rocking out fried chicken and swine (not necessarily at the same time) on a regular basis. She IS, however, a PBR connoisseur, and for some reason claims that 'PBR' can be used as a verb, which should be performed "ASAP". She, too, is a fan of the Wendy's #6, though she opposes the addition of pepperjack to it (pace Spanky). P-Griff (as she is also known) strongly dislikes many Republican politicians, especially those who use Xianity as a justification for foreign and domestic policy. Of course, she knows for a fact that God is, indeed, on HER side, so it must be the case that everything she says is right. Her mood hinges upon the combined performance of the Iowa Hawkeyes, the Green Bay Packers, and the Milwaukee Brewers. Needless to say, she's a surly bastard much of the time. She legitimately hates the Yankees, but supports the Germans in national soccer. (No, there really isn't any logical connection between those two clauses.) She also still loves Brett Favre, and she hopes the "nice farm" the Packers sent him to is taking good care of him. P-Griff is obsessed with LOST, 24, The Daily Show, and the Colbert Report...in no particular order. She wants to do it with Sawyer, be rescued by and then do it with Jack Bauer, and have babies with both Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert...in no particular order. Of course, since the latter two fantasies are highly unlikely - and impossible to perform at the same time - she'd be happy just to hang with the dudes. P-Griff also enjoys her vices, which are too many to list here. Despite all that, she is a born-again virgin who enjoys listening to Sandi Patti, Nine Inch Nails, and Europop. _ "[She's] a walking contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction, taking every wrong direction on [her] lonely way back home." Additionally, P-Griff is of the opinion that "there's still a lot of wine and lonely girls in this best of all possible worlds." (Thanks Kris and Gottfried!) _ Let us all raise up our hands skyward (in the direction of the immaterial Flying Spaghetti Monster in all his noodly glory) and say boldly... "RA-MEN!!!"

Aretha? Celeste? Bovary? Mulva? A promised post about 5 things that freak men out.

All right. Due to Spanky and sich freuen’s completely unnecessary posts (see also here) and comments on various ointments they like to put on their nipples, sacks, and other sensitive areas, Griff has (as promised) put together a post on those things that men don’t like to think talk about. However, in order to make it a worthwhile post, I have decided to present you Soupy Trumpet readers with a list of facts about these “gross” topics that is both interesting and informative – unlike certain posts about bag cream and the like. So here goes:

1. Terminology: Would you learn to get it straight once and for all? The area that includes the vaginal opening, the clit, the labia, the urethra, and the “mons veneris” (the so-called “bearded clam”) is called the ‘vulva’, not the ‘vagina’. The vagina is the canal that links the external sex organs with the reproductive organs. You guys are lucky if you get past the vaginal vestibule. For more instructive charts, click here.

Vagina!

2. “Sanitary” Products: As much as tampons and pads freak you guys out (try getting your bf to buy you “supplies”), it turns out that menstrual blood is actually very clean. In fact, it’s a hell of a lot cleaner than that bleeding paper cut you got turning the pages of Big Jugs Monthly. And it looks like it might be an as-of-yet-untapped source of stem cells!

Tampon Dolls 

3. Sometimes it gets itchy “down there”: Yes, vaginal yeast infections are gross. No one likes an itchy crotch (or cottage-cheesy vaginal discharge). But did you know that men can get them too?

4. Strange-shaped Titties: It’s not uncommon for one breast to be bigger/smaller/higher/lower than the other one, especially at certain times of the month. This is not abnormal, so don’t get weirded out if your woman’s a little lopsided. (Cosmo claims that it’s usually the left booby that is larger, but Griff doesn’t read Cosmo, let alone trust any “facts” they present.) Additionally, it’s often men that notice lumps or changes in their women’s tatas, so if you feel something weird while you’re groping around aimlessly, tell your woman ASAP. We also often enjoy you guys doing our breast exams for us, so learn how! Case in point below: Jason Giambi checks this babe for lumps with a permanent marker. (Think he’s wearing his magic gold thong?)

 Giambi Gives Woman Breast Exam?

5. The Clit: Kim Cattrall (“Samantha” of Sex and the City) boldly writes: “The women of the world want you to know that the clitoris is about an inch from where you think it is.” Amen. Many sites tell you not to feel ashamed if you can’t find it. Well, Griff is here to tell you that you should feel very ashamed! I know it’s (hopefully) smaller than your magnificent love rod which no one could miss, but it is very unlikely that you will be able to make your woman happy without knowing where it is. So stop talking about your balls and get to work finding the one thing that will make your woman roll her eyes in sarcasm ecstacy.

TDS, TCR writers hold mock debate during writers’ strike

Ok, granted, this is a little bit outdated. The Writers’ Strike is over, and everyone’s happy now that “So You Think You Can Dance” is on. However, there is some gold in this mock-debate-style panel discussion in Congress (at which actual congress-persons were present). “Representing” the WGA, we have writers from The Daily Show, and on the side of the AMPTP we have writers from The Colbert Report. In addition to a smug philosophy-major-turned-writer and a parody of Code Pink protesters, there is some interesting commentary on the internet, a charge that the writers “think they’re better than Jesus,” and a discussion of “nothing-adjacence.” Enjoy:

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-xU-4dI1JM[/youtube]

You can find an article about the debate here.

Sweet stop-motion video

This is one of the coolest videos I’ve seen in a while. It appears that the creator(s) of this video did all the graffiti themselves. It must have taken forever, but the end product is cash. The music is pretty cool too. I would advise not watching it under the influence of hardcore mind-altering substances. (Just a guess.) Then again, for those of you who really like the trippy stuff, rock it out:

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://youtube.com/watch?v=uuGaqLT-gO4[/youtube]

Link.

 

Think you like it rough?

This dude needs some help:

Canadian pierces lover’s heart in botched sex game

OTTAWA (Reuters) – A Canadian man who asked his lover to carve a heart-shaped symbol on his chest during a rough sex game almost died when she accidentally pressed too hard and punctured his heart, a newspaper said on Thursday.

The Winnipeg Free Press said the 25-year-old woman had been sentenced to three years’ probation after she pleaded guilty to assaulting the man in February 2007.

The 24-year-old man was initially given little chance of survival but made a full recovery and is backing the woman. Both had been drinking heavily and engaging in rough sex when he asked the woman to carve the symbol, the paper said.

Ok. This dude needs a reality check. First, he’s still together with a chick who is on probation for assaulting him. Second, she pushed pretty hard during their “rough sex.” Hard enough to puncture his heart. Seriously, man: go to Match.com and find yourself a new woman. But I wouldn’t mention the fact that your last girlfriend was a total psycho (and that you, too, might be nuts).

Griff’s New Favorite Website

I just found this site and felt I had to share: Pee Your Pants For The Brewers. Nearly 7000 Brewers fans have pledged to piss their pants if and when the Crew should ever make the playoffs. I realize that this is kind of gross, but I’m pretty sure that if the Brewers ever do clinch a playoff spot, I will do a number 1 (and likely a number 2) in my Lederhosen, regardless of any pledge, so I might as well get on board. And with all the PBR and MGD flowing at Miller Park, Derry’s Pub, and elsewhere Brewers fans are to be found, I’m pretty sure most Milwaukee fans are ipso facto on board.

The site is a great trip down memory lane for Brewers fans like myself. (Not just because we started going to County Stadium before being fully potty trained.) Pledgers list their favorite Brewers, and you see some great and obscure blasts from the past, including: Rob Deer (my old favorite), John Jaha, Mike Fetters, Ricky Bones, Pat Listach, Chuck Crim, Greg Brock, and Billy Jo Robidoux…among others.

Make sure to also check out the Methods page. One of my favorites is the “Borrow a Baby” strategy:  Find a baby to borrow.  While holding said baby pee your pants and then yell out “Oh he got me. The little bugger got me good. Who’s child is this?!”  Bonus points if you can get the parent to buy you a “sorry my kid peed on you” beer.

Of course, it doesn’t look like Griff will be peeing her pants any time soon. (The Brewers just fell behind the Pirates in a tie for last in the NL Central, and Carlos Villanueva just walked in a run. My pants have never been drier.) But in the meantime, she can at least train (except her training will be with a PBR in hand):

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzmsbIfwQhc[/youtube]

Yadier Molina gets his money’s worth…

After a grueling series at Miller Park this weekend, the Brewers ended up taking 3-4 from the Cardinals. A flurry (slowing sometimes to a drizzle – is that to mix my metaphors?) of text messages were exchanged between Bro Taguchi and Griff this weekend. A few highlights:

Griff: Try not to be too hard on my Crew tonite. They’re hurtin’ bad.
Gooch: Ok. Just keep the brats comin.

Griff: I am about to launch a jihad on the Brewer pitching staff.
Gooch: There are no beheadings in baseball…

Gooch: Are the crew wearing the old unis from the 80s? I love those. Never shoulda got rid of em. An A+ logo too with the mb glove.

Gooch: Fyi the baseball game is on the fox sports spanish channel if you get directv. Channel 616. Heh.
Griff: Viva los brewers! Como se dice bratwurst en espanol?
Gooch: Bratwurst.

Gooch: The cubs are back in 1st.
Griff: Our lame-ass pitcher just got a two-bagger off of your homeboys. Cubs suck. And I hate Carlos Zambrano.
Gooch: Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate…[you get the idea]

All in all, we were pretty congenial, especially given that Ryan Braun went deep twice in two games (for a total of 4 dingers, if you can’t do math). But the series highlight has to go to Yadier Molina, who – after getting tossed by home plate umpire Paul Schrieber – proceeded to strip down and leave all his equipment in front of Schrieber at home plate. LaRussa gets run as well, but as Bob Uecker noted, that’s “no big surprise.” (Uecker went on to express disappointment that Molina didn’t keep on going with his strip show. Not sure what to make of that.) You can watch the video here.

It’s going to be an interesting season…

The Christian Right are some crazy motherf*ers…

I cannot believe what I just read. This shit is almost too crazy to summarize, so you’ve really got to read it for yourself. Some of it is so absurd it made me laugh out loud in a room full of people who have no idea what I was reading. But some of it really made me worry about these vote-wielding crazies – especially those who promote casting out the “demons” of such things as the intellect, philosophy, and…handwriting analysis.

Jesus Made Me Puke: Matt Taibbi Undercover with the Christian Right

Some highlights:

[B]y my third day I began to notice how effortlessly my soft-spoken [Christian alter-ego] Matt-mannequin was going through his robotic motions of praise, and I was shocked. For a brief, fleeting moment I could see how under different circumstances it would be easy enough to bury your “sinful” self far under the skin of your outer Christian and to just travel through life this way. So long as you go through all the motions, no one will care who you really are underneath. And besides, so long as you are going through all the motions, never breaking the facade, who are you really? It was an incomplete thought, but it was a scary one; it was the very first time I worried that the experience of entering this world might prove to be anything more than an unusually tiring assignment. I feared for my normal. ….

By the end of the weekend I realized how quaint was the mere suggestion that Christians of this type should learn to “be rational” or “set aside your religion” about such things as the Iraq War or other policy matters. Once you’ve made a journey like this — once you’ve gone this far — you are beyond suggestible. … [O]nce you’ve gotten to this place, you’ve left behind the mental process that a person would need to form an independent opinion about such things. … Once you reach that place with them, you’re thinking with muscles, not neurons.

This isn’t Christianity. This is a form of pop-pyschological brainwashing combined with a vague grasp of mythology. And it’s fucking scary.

Gotta get me some ed-juh-muh-cay-shun!

Apologies for the long post, but this shit makes me want to vomit.

On April 23, 2008 Congress blocked consideration of the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, in a 56-42 cloture vote. (You can see who voted for/against the bill here.) This act was in response to a Supreme Court decision that Lilly Ledbetter, who had worked for Goodyear Tires for nearly 20 years, was not entitled to the $223,776 in back pay and more than $3 million in punitive damages that had been awarded her by a jury of her peers. Ledbetter had received two performance-based awards, yet when she approached retirement, she was informed by an anonymous letter that she was making approx. $560 less per-month than the lowest paid man at Goodyear.

The Supreme Court determined that she was not eligible for the damages awarded because she did not file her lawsuit within 180 days of being issued the paycheck reflecting the discrimination. As Gail Collins of the New York Times points out in a great op-ed column on the subject, “In other words, pay discrimination is illegal unless it goes on for more than six months.” Bullshit.

The legislation in question would have allowed potential plaintiffs to go to court over pay discrimination, even if the requisite six months had passed.

Now the fact that this legislation failed in the Senate is bad enough. It’s rare that employees know what other employees are making, and if they find out, it’s not normally within the first 180 days of their employment. But what makes this all the worse is that presidential nominee John McCain failed to even show up to vote on this important issue.

Think that’s bad? It gets even worse. When asked about his absence, McCain defended his decision, claiming that he wouldn’t have voted for the LLFPA anyway, since it “opens us up for lawsuits, for all kinds of problems and difficulties.” DUH. If women, who currently make an average of $.77 to every $1.00 earned by male employees, were to be able to sue their employers for pay discrimination, there would likely be a lot more “problems and difficulties” for the douchebags who have failed to pay them fairly.

But it gets even worse. McCain went on to claim that women need more “education and training, particularly since more and more women are heads of their households, as much or more than anybody else. And it’s hard for them to leave their families when they don’t have somebody to take care of them.”

Wait a second. In a nation where women make up at least 57% of most college campuses, and where more than half of all associates, bachelors, masters, and doctorate degrees are awarded to women, McCain thinks that we need to get more “education and training”? As far as I know, McCain received no more than a Bachelors Degree, so maybe he’s the one who needs to get a little more education on the issues. (I apologize for the obvious ad hominem, but seriously.)

Apparently John McCain thinks most employed women look something like this:

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww[/youtube]

An an educated woman, I am pissed. If you want to sign the MoveOn.org petition calling out John McCain on this issue, you can go here. They also encourage educated women to upload their anonymous CVs to show JM that we’re not as dumb as we (apparently) look.

Milwaukee’s Miller Park Ranked #2 Ballpark in Nation

A recent Sports Illustrated survey of baseball fans nationwide ranked the Milwaukee Brewers’ Miller Park the second-best baseball stadium in the nation, in terms of home-fan satisfaction:

Miller Park

Now Griff would rank MP at #1, given that the top spot went to Progressive Park in Cleveland, which is not so progressive as to actually have built a retractable dome for their often-cold-and-rainy city:

Progressive Park

As Brewer’s radio announcer Jim Powell points out on his blog, the Indians actually had to vacate PP (ha!) last April due to snowy weather. And where did they go to play 3 games against the Angels? Miller-f*ing-Park!

Now apparently home fans in Cleveland are slightly more satisfied with their home ballpark than are Milwaukee fans, and it appears that this may have something to do with the fact that they serve chicken and waffles (hopefully not together) at PP. Of course, they’re going to be freezing their wet asses off while eating their oh-so-delicious soul food.

However, MP took the trophy for food. I mean, five different kinds of Klements sausage + secret stadium sauce?

Brat + Stadium Sauce

Cmon! Get those rain-soaked soggy waffles outta my face!

Cleveland fans should remember that the retractable dome not only saved their asses last year, but may do so again in the future. While I was not always a big fan of the RD, I think it really is a must-have for Midwestern ballparks in the new millennium. Since the US hasn’t done anything much to stop climate change, the weather during the spring season sucks ass and will only get worse – and baseball stadiums need to be able to deal with that kind of weather. Now Griff has done her share of freezing her ass off during hour-long rain delays at County Stadium because she had lower level box seats and wouldn’t move up to sheltered (non-box-seat) ground…but it blows. And for those of us who now have to travel long distances to see our team play, it really bites to see games get rained out.

So here’s to Miller Park – in my opinion, El Estadio Numero Uno for baseball!

Oh, and speaking of domes, Gooch will like this one from Jim Powell: “I also found it funny that Cardinals’ fans overrate their new stadium and underrate their team.” But we all know that Bro Taguchi does just the opposite, so let’s give him a few props while we’re at it.