Suns v. Lakers: Shaq is Back!

Sorry, Los Angeles. Not like this:

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About the time this posts, Shaquille O’Neal will be playing his first game for his new squad, the Phoenix Suns….and they’re playing his old squad, the L.A. Lakers. In case you’ve been snoozing, there were some other trades: Jason Kidd to the Mavericks, Pau Gasol to the Lakers and even Spanky’s boy Mike Bibby to the Hawks (Ohhh…that’s soupy…Spanky won’t like it one bit). When i first heard about the Shaq trade, I thought the Suns were crazy (2 reasons: 1. Shaq doesn’t fit their style and 2. Shaq is broke). After some reflection, I’m pretty sure I was wrong on both counts. We’ve known for years that Shaq has made a living out of making sure he doesn’t have to play a full 82 in the regular season. Shaq’s not broke…he’s just been in hibernation again. How do I know? Shaq told us today:

“I’m more like a senior adviser so I don’t like to come in here and try to take over,” O’Neal said. … “Just like your basic karate movie where the young guys come to the old guys with beards who have them do weird stuff to get to the other side. That’s who I am, the old guy with a long beard.”

Long pause.

“You like that analogy?” he said, obviously pleased with himself. “That was pretty good?”

Point? It’s on. Shaq only drops quotes when he’s ready to rock, and the Lakers have been running people out of the gym lately. Tonight is a microcosm of the season. Exciting game. Exciting playoffs upcoming. I’m stoked. Besides, these 2 used to be buds:

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I had to mention the subplot…ever heard this one before? And as for Shaq not fitting the Suns’ system, I anticipate a “peanut butter and choccolate” moment. This is must-see TV.

You Heard it Here First: The way I see it, the defection of talent to the Western Conference only makes it more likely that the road to the finals in the West becomes a pitfall for one of the (“true”) contenders. Phoenix got sidetracked last year by Bob Horry’s crazy-but-clutch-assso did Dallas (as the #1 seed). The Western title has now become it’s own battle royale…and did you ever see Hogan volunteer to fight a match with the Giant after winning a battle royale? We may not see another big upset like last year because upsets in the NBA playoffs are a true rarity (with the 7-game format), but the winners in the West will expend major energy to get there. Meanwhile, the Celtics (and the NBA’s best record) are chillin in the East. Everyone thinks the infusion of talent into the West means a western champion…I’m not so sure. I like the Celtics more every day that the West gets better and the Cs stay (relatively) injury-free (read: KG may be “rusty as hell,” but he’ll be ready come playoff time).

As this dude would say,

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“Ding. Ding.”

photos: http://www.manfredojr.co.uk/images/apollo-creed.jpg, http://alltalksports.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/shaq-and-kobe.jpg, http://www.juneauempire.com/images/102802/shaq.jpg

Update: Shaq debuted with 15 points and 9 rebounds in 130-124 loss (Kobe had 41 points)

Bounty hunter DOG returns!

http://www.reuters.com/article/televisionNews/idUSSP8436520080220

Celebrity bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman is set to return to television after his reality TV show was pulled from the air three months ago in a controversy over his use of a racial slur, cable channel A&E said on Tuesday.”

Damnit, Dog. I don’t know why I feel compelled to stop and watch your super-mullet blow in the breeze while you and your wife waddle around to get bad guys so that you can throw them in the bigass SUV for an incoherent prayer session with them even though they’re probably not into prayer so much, but that’s ok because it didn’t seem to do much good for you, either, and I’m sure that you’re praying more than ever for forgiveness and for your ratings to go up and that A&E will buy you a new SUV.

Whew.

I think that Dog needs some new hair. Maybe a sweet box or fro would set him straight:

dog with boxdog with afro

Ah, now there’s a new image for him. Maybe we could forgive him.

-MC Spanky McGee

Jackass Johnny Knoxville Hurts Balls in Evel Knievel Tribute

Jackass Johnny Knoxville Bloody Balls

Jackass star Johnny Knoxville recently injured himself while attempting to do a backflip on a motorcycle under the guidance of world-record jumper Travis Patrana for an upcoming television special “Matt Hoffman’s Tribute to Evel Knievel”. Knoxville made a post on the brand new website called JackassWorld.com that describes the incident;

Just got back from Oklahoma where I was shooting “Mat Hoffman’s tribute to Evel Knievel.” Had a ball, too, even though I almost lost my own balls in the process. Don’t want to give too much away because the tribute airs Feb 23rd on MTV, but let’s just say before letting Travis Pastrana teach me how to do a backflip on a motorcycle I should have had him teach me to ride one first. Heh-heh…bad for me, good for our viewing audience at home. Have to go now. Have to empty the piss bag on my leg that I have to wear for the next two weeks until my torn urethra heals. Ouch, and see you on the 23rd. By the way, lots of great stuff in the Evel Knievel tribute besides my trip to the hospital—lots!
—Johnny Knoxville

Since his post was so short, there it is in it’s entirety.  Be sure to checkout Jackass World since Wee-Man tells TMZ that the Jackass crew are creating a ton of new content for the site.

Spanky is sick of Lucas’s bullshit.

cash cow star wars george lucas

Goddamnit. I grew up on Star Wars, and yes, I can still drop some quotes. But I don’t totally dork it out. I have my XBOX 360 and my computer for dorkin’ it. I hate Star Wars now. I’m soooooooo fucking sick of Lucas just driving it into the ground. Sometimes we’re just so much better off without a sequel: The Matrix, Clerks, etc. and so on. We coulda used our imaginations–if we have any left in our collective consciousness–to figure out what could/should happen next. But noooooooooooo. We get stuck with your shitty dialogue–which I won’t rehash here. (We’ve all been over that.)

http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-et-clone….

“Star Wars: The Clone Wars,” a new stylized, computer-animated feature film, will open Aug. 15 in theaters and set the stage for a tie-in television series with the same name and mode of artwork that will begin airing as a 30-minute weekly series in the fall on the Cartoon Network and TNT.

I think I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. Goddamnit, George. Milk that cow, you ass. But I, for one, am not buying your skim. I’ve got whole milk with Call of Duty 4, and I’m feeling like a strapping young lad.

It’s called quality, not quantity, and you gave up on quality “a long time ago.” Shoulda called it quits with the Ewoks playing paradiddles on the storm trooper helmets.

-MC Spanky McGee


Spanky is gettin’ too old for this shit. He rocked out to “Songs for the Deaf” while cranking out this bitch-fest, and it was awesome.

Football Hangover…

This is cash.  We love the Super Bowl so much that we…eat…EVERYTHING!!!

7-Eleven stores say their antacids sales increase by 20 percent the day after Super Bowl. 

Six percent of all working Americans will also call in sick the next day.

15 tons of potato chips…15…tons.

Most importantly, on Super Bowl Sunday, Americans drain an estimated 10.5 million barrels of beer, roughly 17 times the nation’s average daily consumption.

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…and it’s a school night.

Mix in these filthy beasts:

Janet super bowl

…and you’ve got all-out hedonism. 

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Read more:
http://www.theeveningleader.com/content/view/68738/27/
http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/features/20080201-9999-1n1beer1.html

Rob & Big Black Supported by The Trump

RobandBig

DO WORK!!!

I’m like Justin Timberlake in many ways, one of them is in the fact that I want to see more videos played on MTV. That being said, I would gladly give up ALL videos if they would ONLY play (good) episodes of Jackass, Viva La Bam, Remote Control, Adventures in Hollyhood, Liquid Television, and Rob & Big.

I just purchased the first two seasons of Rob & Big on DVD and watched the first of the two straight through. I have to point out that this show is not new, I am not ahead of the game for pointing this out, and in fact The Trump may be reporting “yesterday’s news” on how cash this show really is. In addition I will throw Spanky under the bus and say that is not aware of this show…further more I would bet the Pumpkin Patch that Big Head Taguchi has no idea either.

To summarize this show for my older colleagues and uninformed readers; it is a reality show that is centered around professional skate boarder Rob Dyrdek and his hired bodyguard Christopher “Big Black” Boykin. These two visually opposite people live together in an awesome house (“3 Layers of Heaven”) and get into shenanigans on every episode.

I want to make a partial list of items that can mostly be seen in season 1 that have warranted them FULL Trump endorsement without discussion. If you have seen these items you will understand, if not, get on it.

  • Manpon -
    Rob told Big Black to go “Drop Ham” (putt his huge butt on a face) on Rob’s cousin Drama, when he did that you could see his manpon… he then took it out and showed the skid mark.“Its like a napkin folded together so if cough or sneeze and a little run comes out it hits that manpon.”

    “I got mud butt son. I was scared if I farted I would shit on myself. I had 40 hot wings last night so I had to manpon it up son.” – Big Black

  • 416 lbsBig Black was so big they had to way him at the recycling center. He went on a diet and exercised for a couple of weeks and didn’t lose a single pound…he weighed 416 lbs before and after his diet

    “I’m about 375-380…I’m light… quick like a gazelle”

  • Dog Named”Meaty” with a broken anal gland and that swallows chicken bones whole
  • Big Black & Bam Bam’s rapgroup The Chunky Boys
  • Mini-Horse named”Mini” that has “dusty poos”

image source : The Phoenix

A GRAVE INJUSTICE….

I’m just watching the idiot box, and this commercial comes on. It goes something like this:

“Dish Network subscribers… Court TV has been dropped from Dish Network’s programming. To correct this injustice, call 1-800-blah-blah…”

As Justin Timberlake says, “Cry me a river.”

“Injustice”? Are you serious? Some stupid channel gets dropped from a network due to the laws of supply and demand, and Court TV charges that they’ve been wronged? Sorry, baby, but that’s just the nature of the game of capitalism.

Now, it’s probably the case that Court TV doesn’t really think that they’ve been wronged. They’re playing on their viewers’ sense of “justice” and the love of Court TV. Sweeeeet.

I love hearing corporations whine. And, no, it’s not because I hate all corporations. I like many corporations. I just like hearing them whine.
I also like hearing people whine about other people liking to hear corporations whine. Hey, where’s Bill Goans?

–Agent Spanky McGee

THE ULTIMATE BABYSITTER IN THE CAR!

http://biz.yahoo.com/ap/061201/sirius_note.html?.v=1

Fucking sweet. Sirius is going to provide children’s channels in the TV in the turquoise minivan all the time!!! It’ll be the ultimate babysitter. You’ll never have to pull over and beat your kids again! They’ll be drooling zombies as they happily absorb Barney and commercials for TMX Elmo.

The attention span of the graduating class of 2024 is going to be comparable to a lab rat’s.

I’m putting more money in Sirius. I’m going to be loaded. And all because parents don’t want to raise their kids.

This is just about how attentive your kids will look after you install that shit:
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