CNN reports that a snake-handling preacher has been arrested:

The pastor of a Kentucky church that handles snakes in religious rites was among 10 people arrested by wildlife officers in a crackdown on the venomous snake trade.

More than 100 snakes, many of them deadly, were confiscated in the undercover sting after Thursday’s arrests, said Col. Bob Milligan, director of law enforcement for Kentucky Fish and Wildlife.

Most were taken from the Middlesboro home of Gregory James Coots, including 42 copperheads, 11 timber rattlesnakes, three cottonmouth water moccasins, a western diamondback rattlesnake, two cobras and a puff adder.

Handling snakes is practiced in a handful of fundamentalist churches across Appalachia, based on the interpretation of Bible verses saying true believers can take up serpents without being harmed.

I feel a strong urge to recommend that all Christian nutjobs should go pick up some puff adders, but I will resist that urge.

Let’s think a little bit here. Aren’t there other ways to tell whether someone really believes in Baby Jesus?

Surely there are. I doubt the snake handling is the only litmus test.

And what is it with Christians and snakes anyway? That’s just so Ozzy of them.

-MC Spanky McGee

I’m not sure how recent this is, but it’s pretty fuckin’ awesome.  It gets good around .40:

Here’s a thought. If you really want to curb energy use and to prevent the atmosphere from taking in more greenhouse gases, why not forgo having children? Think of all the energy you have consumed in a lifetime. Then multiply that for each child you would have…. Yep. That’s tons and tons of energy.

There’s no need to multiply. Forget all these hybrids, just use birth control!

Bonus: the fewer workers we have around, the more demand there will be, and the higher our wages will be! Ahhhh, we all win.

“But Spanky, I want my own rugrat!”

ADOPT.

-MC Spanky McGee

-MC Spanky McGee

Have you ever noticed that conservatives think that they have a monopoly on the word “whine”?

Check it out this example.

What tickles me–what amuses me–is that conservatives spend so much time CRYING about liberals’ whining. And Peter Scweizer gives us a great example in his crying about whining.

Almost nothing pleases me more than a conservative in pain. I don’t care what the source is. I relish it.

Conservatives don’t like to think that they complain, although they do all the time. Listen to the pathetic inflection that accompanies such utterances as “These bleeding-heart liberals….”

See, conservatives cry because they don’t feel obligated to their society. They believe that they deserve all of their money. But the fact of the matter is that they owe their society a great deal–and they must pay taxes towards education and defense. Their own welfare depends on the cohesion of society.

But forget all that. When cons play the “whine” card, just remind them that they are doing their share of bitching.

I love their bitching. I encourage it. It’s an indication of their misery, and I eat it up.

-MC Spanky McGee

P.S. I love you, cons. xoxoxOXXXoo

Driving home from one of my jobs today, I saw the trucks and the machines and the rollers working to make sure that we have some good goddamned concrete on which to roll our fossil-fuel burners.

I imagine that this process of repaving a highway takes a shit-ton of energy.

Kickass.

I started to wonder what would happen if we didn’t solve our energy problems and if cars went to shit. Nobody could drive.

The self-inflicted punch to the nuts could be that all the maintenance of the the transportation infrastruture turns out to be a complete fucking waste. No cars = no need for highways. And we got a shitload of highways and we want even more. Who hasn’t wanted her own personal exit ramp?

Imagine all these cars rusting to nothing. Well, that’s what they’re gonna do. And every time I get in my piece of shit that I call a truck, I think about how your goddamned car is going to probably be worthless in 10-15 years. And then I feel better.

Yeah, keep praying for Baby Jesus to make more oil, you idiot. We’re not getting it. And unless you can get some sort of conversion going for our current engines–plus the new technology we so desperately need– these cars will be basically worthless.

If we can’t make personal transportation a part of the long-term, we’re really fucking ourselves right now.

Damnit.

MC Spanky McGee

Two lesbians were making out at the Mariners’ game last week and were asked to stop by an usher.

Certain individuals have not yet caught up. Those people see a gay or lesbian couple and they stare or say something,” said Josh Friedes of Equal Rights Washington. “This is one of the challenges of being gay. Everyday things can become sources of trauma.

Backup, bro. You forgot an important element…they saw a lesbian couple making out. And I challenge the idea that making out is an “everyday thing.” As my ex-girlfriend’s mom used to say, making out in public is tacky. At least make sure you’re in an unoccupied section of the ballpark before you start getting close…like these two (ironically, I believe this is also from a Mariners’ game in the old Kingdome and I can’t believe I’m posting it…link only tho):

view.aspx?ContentID=353366

This legendary video is also extremely tacky. But, of course, we love the soft-porn, don’t we?

More importantly, do we really expect to throw gay nookie at the masses and expect them to accept? It’s an advanced concept.

“I was really just shocked,” Guerrero said. “Seattle is so gay-friendly. There was a couple like seven rows ahead making out. We were just showing affection.”

Shocked? Come oooooooooon….Granted, the straight couple making out needs to be smacked upside the head. But gay-friendliness has nothing to do with gay-making-out friendliness. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “We’re trying to have a society here!” Gay culture is a slightly nuanced issue for 5-year-olds to handle. Granted, we’re trying to move that society toward accepting ALL people…but a 5-year-old may still ask his mother why a disabled individual is in a wheelchair or why a Muslim is wearing a burqa. And they definitely will ask why those two women are making out two rows ahead. Mommy may not be ready to answer, and that’s Mommy’s own fault. But it’s not that shocking…even in Seattle. When you make a display at the ballgame, like the lesbian fan base of the New York Liberty made it a point to do several years ago, you’re going to cause a stir. If you wanna do that…fine by me. Maybe not fine by others. But you can’t possibly be SOOOOO shocked when someone kindly asks the usher to quash the PDA.

The same goes for drunken behavior at a game and many other unnecessary pasttimes. Nobody needs to buy a ticket to have a mack-session. It’s like I told the Sierra Club, there’s a difference between where we want to be as a society and where we are. You can force-feed if you want, but don’t be surprised by the reactions of those who “have not yet caught up.

Furthermore, I understand that these issues should be brought to the surface, but not under the auspices of victimization. Victimization damages your own cause. What I’m asking you to do is to create advanced responses to un-advanced human reactions.

The best response to the usher’s request? “Sure. We’ll stop kissing if you ask the couple down there to stop kissing.” Then keep kissing til he does it…and don’t be shocked by the backlash. Be prepared to leave the stadium. Don’t tell CNN how shocked you are. None of us are shocked.

(Wow–look at the Gooch walking the tightrope on that one…yes-but, if-but, yes-but)

All right. Due to Spanky and sich freuen’s completely unnecessary posts (see also here) and comments on various ointments they like to put on their nipples, sacks, and other sensitive areas, Griff has (as promised) put together a post on those things that men don’t like to think talk about. However, in order to make it a worthwhile post, I have decided to present you Soupy Trumpet readers with a list of facts about these “gross” topics that is both interesting and informative - unlike certain posts about bag cream and the like. So here goes:

1. Terminology: Would you learn to get it straight once and for all? The area that includes the vaginal opening, the clit, the labia, the urethra, and the “mons veneris” (the so-called “bearded clam”) is called the ‘vulva’, not the ‘vagina’. The vagina is the canal that links the external sex organs with the reproductive organs. You guys are lucky if you get past the vaginal vestibule. For more instructive charts, click here.

2. “Sanitary” Products: As much as tampons and pads freak you guys out (try getting your bf to buy you “supplies”), it turns out that menstrual blood is actually very clean. In fact, it’s a hell of a lot cleaner than that bleeding paper cut you got turning the pages of Big Jugs Monthly. And it looks like it might be an as-of-yet-untapped source of stem cells!

3. Sometimes it gets itchy “down there”: Yes, vaginal yeast infections are gross. No one likes an itchy crotch (or cottage-cheesy vaginal discharge). But did you know that men can get them too?

4. Strange-shaped Titties: It’s not uncommon for one breast to be bigger/smaller/higher/lower than the other one, especially at certain times of the month. This is not abnormal, so don’t get weirded out if your woman’s a little lopsided. (Cosmo claims that it’s usually the left booby that is larger, but Griff doesn’t read Cosmo, let alone trust any “facts” they present.) Additionally, it’s often men that notice lumps or changes in their women’s tatas, so if you feel something weird while you’re groping around aimlessly, tell your woman ASAP. We also often enjoy you guys doing our breast exams for us, so learn how! Case in point below: Jason Giambi checks this babe for lumps with a permanent marker. (Think he’s wearing his magic gold thong?)

5. The Clit: Kim Cattrall (”Samantha” of Sex and the City) boldly writes: “The women of the world want you to know that the clitoris is about an inch from where you think it is.” Amen. Many sites tell you not to feel ashamed if you can’t find it. Well, Griff is here to tell you that you should feel very ashamed! I know it’s (hopefully) smaller than your magnificent love rod which no one could miss, but it is very unlikely that you will be able to make your woman happy without knowing where it is. So stop talking about your balls and get to work finding the one thing that will make your woman roll her eyes in sarcasm ecstacy.

-MC Spanky McGee

sogoodblog.com

Taco Bell Embraces the Drive Thru Rap

WEIRD NEWS

Japan man discovers woman living in his closet

lifehacker.com

ReplacementDocs Finds Manuals and Maps for Video Games

Grown Pumpkin will like that one.

RateBeer Finds You a Good Brew

I like that. Beer. MMMM!

gizmodo.com

Alien Video Uncovered: Real or Fake?

Make sure your computer speakers are on for the video. There’s audio.