Bible stops bullet. So what?

Here’s a video of a news story covering how a Bible stopped a bullet that flew into someone’s house.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/04/04/summers.saved.by.bible.WKYC

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that some people are going to think that this is a miracle. How many times is this story going to be told all over the place? It’s going to become a damned urban legend.

It ain’t no miracle.

Let’s consider the entire history of gunshots.

First, think of all the bullets that have never been stopped. Then think of all the “ordinary” objects that have stopped bullets: wood, brick, metal, etc.. Then think of the “crazy” objects that have stopped a bullet. I bet that, at some time, a dildo either has or will stop a bullet.

Imagine that. A Bible happened to stop a bullet. Whoopdeedoo.

There is nothing special about a Bible stopping a bullet. At all.

Besides, even if you wanted to give this event a supernatural interpretation, you could argue that the Bible was being destroyed–intentionally!!!

-MC Spanky McGee

I am begging you…

If you give a damn about the presidential campaign, read this blog entry at Anderson Cooper 360.  Then take 30 minutes to listen to Rev. Wright’s 9/11 sermon (mp3 at bottom of the page linked above).  Form your own opinion.  Don’t act like you know a man and every person in his congregation from a 20-second snippet you saw on CNBC.  If you listen and still think he’s a kook, so be it.

Afghans want death for Danish and for Dutch. Spanky’s solution to the problem.

Afghans chant death to Danish, Dutch in protest

Some 5,000 Afghans chanted “death to Denmark” and “death to the Netherlands” in Kabul on Friday, protesting against the reprinting of a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammad in Danish newspapers and a Dutch film on the Koran.

Same old shit from these extremists.

Here’s an idea that maybe will earn ol’ Spanks here a death sentence of his own. Heh.

You know how you sometimes have a pet or a toddler that has too much energy? As any parent or pet-owner knows, the best solution is to let them run around like crazy until they’re just too tired to raise hell for you.

So, I think as many people as possible should draw up these cartoons. This will be awesome. The religious fanatics will have to spend all their time chanting death to all the countries and people, and they’ll be so busy doing that, that they won’t have time for anything else. Including growing poppies. That will really fuck ‘em over–it’ll stop their heroin trade. They’ll be all tuckered out.

death to everyone 2

I mean, how many flags will they be able to burn? They’ll run out pretty fast.

So, everybody, get out your pencils and paper and start drawing.

Aren’t I creative?

-MC Spanky McGee

Welcome to the Catholic church, may I take your order?

Skip church; confess on ivescrewedup.com

Already a repository for too much information from bloggers divulging their every intimate thought, the Web recently extended its reach into territory the church once dominated.

Tens of thousands of the guilty among us are visiting confessional booths at ivescrewedup.com, mysecret.tv and dailyconfessions.com and unburdening themselves anonymously.

Ha! This makes all the sense in the world. Cheap, easy, online religion. Spanky likes it. Disposable Jesus, right in your bookmarks folder, next to the ol’ Bang Bros. links. Some Catholics are becoming faceless, opting to break out the mouse instead of driving to chizurch.

What about quality control of Confession 2.0? I couldn’t detect any QC from CNN’s story.

Among the Web site managers CNN spoke with, none has professional counselors monitoring confessions.

LifeChurch members monitor messages, deleting those that are, in their view, too graphic or fabricated. Like ivescrewedup.com, which is also run by a large church, IP addresses are not tracked. If someone posts a confession of a criminal nature — someone who says they enjoy child porn or they’ve committed murder — there’s not much the site managers can do about it.

No professional counselors? Just “site managers”? Bullshit. What do these confessors think they’re really doing? Man, just open Microsoft Word, write some shit down, click the red X in the upper-left corner, and then click “Don’t save.” Ya might as well. It’s not like you’re getting any true wisdom in exchange for your catharsis.

Oh, but wait. I know where there is some QC. Somebody still wants their cut:

But the Web does not offer a road to “true absolution,” said Father Ricardo Bailey of Holy Spirit of Atlanta, Georgia.

“I’m not in a drive-thru business,” he said. “Confessing means you’re taking accountability for the things we’ve done wrong, that you understand the impact you’ve had on other people.”

Oh, yes. Don’t be fooled by our competitors’ cheap knockoffs. We have the best baby Jesus around. “You get what you pay for.” The Church is going to fight to keep you tithing, to keep you guilty, to keep you coming back for more.

It shouldn’t be surprising to us that we are moving our spiritual lives online. We’ve already moved so many aspects of our lives on there. For religion, however, this move could be the fatal blow. As the spiritually needy gain access to new ideologies and philosophies on the Internet, their ties to their childhood religions will probably loosen, and they will become more, hmmm, cosmopolitan.

-MC Spanky McGee

Cussing banned in CA? Dang it.

Gosh darn! Cussing banned in California town

SOUTH PASADENA, California (AP) — What the $%*&*? This community on the edge of Los Angeles has become a cuss-free zone. So if you’re headed to South Pasadena this week, be sure to turn down the volume on that Snoop Dogg CD, and, if the little old lady from Pasadena cuts you off in traffic, don’t even think about flipping her the bird.

Not that police will slap cuffs on you and haul your sorry, er, butt off to jail in light of the proclamation passed Wednesday by the City Council. But you could be shamed into better behavior by the unsettling glares of residents who take their reputation for civility seriously.

“It’s part of exercising self-discipline,” Mayor Michael Cacciotti explained. “It’s about treating each other with love and respect. Profane language causes pain, anger and could lead to violence.”

This law is completely absurd.

1. Kids’ making fun of each other causes pain. We’re not going to outlaw that. Not enforceable. 2. You can’t regulate for self-discipline. 3. What is the ground of the “could” in “could lead to violence”? Is it logically possible that cussing could lead to violence? Sure. But who cares? Eating applesauce could lead to violence–in that sense. So could using the sentence, “You are a danged punk.” Kids could fight over that. NOOOOOOOO!

The mayor wants to say that it is probable that cussing leads to violence. But where is the hard data on that?

I think people should cuss so that they don’t use violence. Cussing is a pressure valve for many people.

4. How can they claim that cussing is not free speech? Apparently the matter has not yet been settled at a very high judicial level; see Michael Troy’s answer to a question about Michigan’s cussing law–which was found unconstitutional.

Go back to the time before the Revolutionary War. If the king had banned cussing, you know damn well that, during the Boston Tea Party, Sam Adams would have been on the decks of those tea ships with double-whammies high in the air–and we’d be praising him for what an awesome cusser he was. “Oh, the king oppressed us and restricted our speech, but we told him to fuck off.”

sam adams middle finger 2

That mayor doesn’t deserve death. He deserves a class in basic reasoning and logic.

-MC Spanky McGee

P.S. Yes, that’s more of my janky photoshop work.

Explore the sub-structures of a modern Republican’s brain.

This is rather shameless promotion of some work I originally posted at Dangerous Intersection.   Here’s the diagram, which is the fun part.   If you want more explanation, check out the DI post.

                                            republican-brain-lo-res.jpg

McCain: “Yes, Castro deserves to die, and I hope he burns in Hell!”

“But Spaaaanky, that’s not what Johnny McCain said.”

Oh yes, he did. Yes, he did.

McCain hoping Castro dies

Likely Republican presidential nominee John McCain says he doesn’t look for any major political reforms in Cuba until after Fidel Castro dies, adding he hopes that’s not far off.

As McCain put it during a campaign stop in Indiana Friday, ‘I hope he has the opportunity to meet Karl Marx very soon.’

That’s fucking awesome. Clearly McCain thinks that Marx is in Hell, and he thinks that Castro should join him.

I love people that wish Hell for others. It must feel so great to condemn, to give affirmation to the judgment that someone deserves infinite duration and quality of pain. It’s especially awesome when it’s a politician that does. It’s natural that this blather comes out of someone who probably views the USA as being a Christian nation. Heh.

Never mind that it makes no sense that anyone on Earf would deserves an infinite reward or punishment…. What sense of proportion is that?

(It’s bullshit).

Anyway, what McCain doesn’t realize is that he’s probably more metal than anything. I’ll lay down some double-bass for him. I think we could crank out some Hell-themed “tasty jams.”

mccain rock horns

-MC Spanky McGee

Chris Crocker’s new video against gay bashing

Gawker.com covers Chris Crocker’s new video, which contains a diatribe against gay bashers who comment on his infamous (“more than famous,” ahem) Britney Spears video on Youtube.

[youtube width="500" height="418"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yd1Oe1LELcc[/youtube]

Crocker’s “Fuck you” to the gay bashers is certainly understandable; he’s in a very frustrating situation. Unfortunately, his rant doesn’t achieve much–other than some temporary catharsis. (Not that mine fare much better.) Crocker thinks that the media should focus on gay bashing; this is true. But I think Crocker should focus on the psychological causes of gay bashing.

I think that ending discrimination and hate against gays will probably be among the last frontiers in the quest to end bigotry. Bigotry against gays is probably now becoming the most dominant form out there. If you play Halo 3 or Call of Duty, it seems that the #1 insult in pre and postgame lobbies unfortunately involves calling someone a “faggot.” But that’s just the report from my little world of video-game-dorkiness.

I’m speculating that hundreds thousands of years from now, most people will eventually move beyond bigotry race and gender–because humans regard race and gender as natural states that no one can do anything about. But many humans view homosexuality as being unnatural–often doing so without a clear or coherent definition of natural–just as we view steroids as being unnatural without knowing exactly why. Or they view it as being a choice that can be discarded at will; never mind that many of the people who advance this position would not regard themselves as being able to choose to be gay. They might say, “That’s something I cannot do…” Of course, the easy retort is to say, “I won’t choose to be gay.”

Then you ask them why. Most will probably retreat to some kind of divine command theory or back to the argument from naturalness. In order to combat these views, you have to push the theory of evolution and argument against the divine command theory. If Crocker wants to undermine gay bashing, he’s got to arm himself in the right way.

“If you’re 555, then I’m…. “

“General Butt Naked”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/africa/01/21/liberia.general.ap/

Before he led his fighters into battle, wearing only a pair of lace-up boots, Blahyi [Gen. Butt Naked] said he made a human sacrifice to the devil.

The sacrifice was typically “the killing of an innocent child and plucking out the heart which was divided into pieces for us to eat,” he told The Associated Press on Saturday. He appeared before the commission Jan. 15.

Between the time he made a pact with the devil circa 1980 and began his rampage and the time he stopped fighting in 1996, he said “more than 20,000 people fell victim (to me and my men). They were killed.”

In 1996, while charging naked into a battle, Blahyi said God appeared and told him he was a slave to Satan, not the hero he considered himself to be, according to an earlier interview with The Associated Press.

He became a born-again Christian and for a while, traversed the war-wracked streets of Monrovia selling cassettes of his sermons.”

Ok, there are a few points of interest here. (1) this guy is a real asshole (2) his nickname seems like it should be a Halo 3 gamertag, although to use it while having been inspired by Blahyi would be seriously wrong and (3) note the religious narratives involved here.

Yeah, he found Baby Jesus in the end. Whoopdie doo. But notice the power of the Satan story before his little rebirth–he killed 20,000 people. I’m so tired of this nonsensical story about the fucking devil. “There’s some dude, and he’s red, and he lives in a really really hot place, and he tempts you into doing bad things…” It’s sure as hell ain’t the devil that tempts me. It’s ordinary objects themselves. It’s the goddamned XBOX 360, the spicy chicken sandwich, and the… but it ain’t some guy that God can’t or won’t destroy.

The Satan narrative is standard on the Jesus package. The pope can rail against atheists all he wants, but he seems to forget all the crimes perpetrated by believers who kills their kids in all sorts of deranged ways–all in the name of the characters of an incoherent story: “An angel told me to…” “The devil told me to…” “God told me to…..”

How many innocents have died as a result of this phenomenon?

These assholes are responsible. But note the ideology they invoked. And the pope pulls the same move I am making with individual atheists who do perpetrate crimes. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, Benedict.

 

Chinese students protest XMAS?

Reuters reports that some Chinese students are calling upon people to “resist Western cultural invasion.”

That’s hilarious, because the cannot resist. Christmas is far too big to stop now. And by “Christmas,” I mean “That day around which we go into massive credit card debt in order to buy things for people because somehow we found ourselves on this goddamned train and it started rolling and we couldn’t get off.” We are all already locked into Christmas, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Everyone who has tried to resist has heard the Ubiquitous Agents of Christmas ask: “What, you don’t celebrate Christmas? Well, fuck you, Scrooge!” The social pressure to keep Christmas alive and beefy is unreal.
Maybe we can get off the train?

I’ll you tell you a secret. My family barely celebrates Christmas. This trend started off after my parents got divorced, and Christmas was never quite the same after that. It limped along on life-support for years–although Stepmom McGee gave it some life here and there.

Now, most (not all) of the McGee children are remorseless Godless heathens and generally have been broke for being in school too long (Ah, baby Jesus rewards the faithful with financial gifts and punishes the unfaithful, doesn’t he, Joel Osteen?). Our reasons for not celebrating xmas have changed. It’s not that the adult children still have bad memories from Christmas past–it’s that we can’t afford to buy presents.

Don’t get me wrong. We’re not poor, by any means. By “We can’t afford to buy presents,” I mean, “We currently don’t have much in the checking account for more than beer and day-to-day expenses, and we do have the available creditbut we burned our fingers on that stove and we’re not gonna touch it again.”

We are bombarded by all the advertising to get us to spend, spend, spend. I still feel that fucking urge to spend. And I see shit I want, and I think, “I could use that. It’d be awesome if my pops bought me that for xmas.” Maybe it’s the case that I know xmas is coming up, and so I think, “Hey, it’s the time I usually get stuff. Let me see what stuff I can conjure up.” I don’t need that shit. People in Baghdad probably don’t care about having a Wii–they just don’t want to be blown up randomly. Yes–I just pulled a “It could be worse…”
I think that I’m in some sort of netherworld. (Dorky word: “netherworld.”) I feel sickened by all the manipulation of advertising. I don’t want a commercial to turn me into the zombie it wants me to be. But then again, I admire its genius when it works. It gives us the fun shit: cars, Nintendos, computers, Sprite, The Wiggles, DVDs, Grown Pumpkin’s neon-green undercarriage lights (his “ground effects”), etc. But this just means that advertising has done its work on me. Think of all the commercials you watched when you were a child. I imagine their effect is ongoing and accumulating. As Zack once said: “What does the billboard say? ‘Come and play… come and play… forget about the movement…’ ”

People much smarter than I have said this before: you can’t ditch the aspects of your given identity completely. If you try, you end up looking crazy. But some combinations of your given attitudes don’t mesh, so you can’t just fully embrace the total package. For example, I have a deep suspicion that capitalism and Christianity aren’t the good friends they think they are. Do we really think that Jesus would want us to celebrate by buying more stuff for each other? What about merely performing some service for each other (showing your mom how to bookmark her favorite websites)? Or giving aid to the unfortunate–those who can’t pull themselves up by their bootstraps (and that’s yet another topic)? Does Jesus want me to have credit card debt?

It turns out that I’m one of those kids that wants the marshmallow now, but I also want two later. I’m betting those who want the one marshmallow now turn out to have more credit card debt.

Blah blah. Here’s where I am. Listen, Christmas, you’re a sexy and well-oiled machine. You got yerself a bigass engine under that hood. But I ain’t going into anymore credit card debt for ya. But I see you. And you see me.

Happy Holidays. Damn.

-Agent Spanky

Agent Spanky McGee likes doing computer maintenance for his friends and family, because it’s fun, empowering to them, and saves them money. He also likes eating dinner and drinking good beer with them.