This being my first Soupy post, I’ll share an email I recently wrote to a friend.
Man I had the worst fucking day ever. I woke up and started sneezing up a storm in the bathroom. I have really bad allergies so this is not uncommon for me, but we’re talkin like 20 back-to-back sneezes. Pretty crazy. So after I finished the hurricane of sneezes I found that I was having trouble breathing. This also is not uncommon for me seeing as I have asthma. Anyway, I reached for ye ole inhaler and took a couple of hits. To my surprise, the inhaler did not help. This is very uncommon. It was becoming harder and harder to breathe. Within a matter of seconds it got to the point where I was struggling to even get a small gasp of air. I was having an acute attack. It was the scariest fucking thing I’ve ever experienced (except for seeing Spankyâ€™s slime tonker once, but thatâ€™s a different story). Needless to say, I started panicking, which only made things worse. With my last bit of strength I called 911 and wheezed out what was happening. The paramedics came pretty quickly.
They tried to calm me down and gave me some type of vaporizer thing, which didn’t really do much. Then they put me in a weird orange chair that looked like it belonged on GUTS. I sat in that monstrosity and they strapped me in and carried me down the stairs. Now Iâ€™m being hauled down the stairs by 3 fat ass paramedics with their cracks showing like plumbers while I am gasping for air. Not cool. So I’m thinking, “Calm down Stooge, they’re here, it’s not going to get any worse.” Boy was I wrong. Three super hot babes from next door that I had been macking on the previous night just happened to be outside at the time to see me in my goon-like state. Looks like my chances with them are over…but that was the least of my worries. Now I’m lying on a stretcher in the back of an ambulance that is probably going to cost me more than taking an hour long ride in a pink limo with three naked hookers. The five min ride felt like 2 hrs. When I finally got to the hospital, i looked to my left and saw a Shug Knight looking character in handcuffs and an orange jumpsuit being escorted into the ER. “At least I’m in good company,” I thought.
Then the wheeled me in and gave me more of the vaporizer thingie. My ER bed had another one just like it directly to the left with a cloth partition separating us. While the cloth provides a great visual barrier, it does next to nothing for blocking out sound. As i puffed on my vaporizer, I began to feel better. My breaths were getting deeper and I was calming down. The relief was short lived, however, when I began to hear what was going on past the green divider cloth. Here’s a tasty sample:
Old woman: OOWWWW . WWAAHH
Young attractive nurse: I know it’s cold but it shouldnâ€™t hurt. It’s just soapy water. I really need to clean your vagina.
Old woman: OOOWWWWW
Young attractive nurse: ::silence::
Old woman: ::silence::
Young attractive nurse: Lift your knees.
So I just sat there for about an hour and inhaled that shit. I was feeling better and actually getting a little bored. Then I heard the old lady’s husband talking to the doctor:
Old dude: Yeah she’s starting to be a lot to deal with.
Foreign Doc Probably from India: Is she incontinent.
Old dude: No
Foreign Doc Probably from India: What is the problem?
Old Dude: She doesn’t know when she is, you know, going to the bathroom.
Foreign Doc Probably from India: So she is incontinent.
Old Dude: No, she makes it to the bathroom, sits down, goes, but she doesn’t realize that she has “went” so she just sits there all night waiting for it to happen
::Old woman enters on a stretcher::
Foreign Doc Probably from India: ::to old woman:: what is today date?
Old woman: ::mumbles inaudibly::
Foreign Doc Probably from India: Who is the president of the United States?
Old woman: ::inaudible::
Foreign Doc Probably from India: What city are we in?
Old Woman: IOWA CITY!!!
Old dude: ::to doc:: she is a handful. Itâ€™s a full time job cleaning up her feces.
Then I noticed a giant clear shield mounted on the wall ominously. I asked the nurse what it was for.
Me: What’s that shield for?
Mildly attractive nurse: sometimes we have people here who are really drunk…well actually we often have people here who are really drunk but sometimes they throw things.
Me: Gotta keep them in line. Show em who’s boss.
Mildly attractive nurse: yeah ::fake smiles, turns, and leaves (showing her disproportionately huge ass)::
I puffed for about fifteen more minutes and they gave me some pills and let me go. I walked into the waiting room to check out and realized that I didn’t have any shoes, my hair looked like ace Ventura, and I had a HUGE hole in the crotch of my jeans. The hole would not have been a big deal had I been wearing any undies. I walked into the room maneuvering my charlie browns so they faced away from all of the jokers in the chairs.
Then I signed a few papers, and they let me loose on Iowa City, barefoot and confused. I called my roommate Slime and he picked me up.
Slime: What happened?
Me: I had an asthma attack. It was the worse day ever….blah…blah…blah
Slime: So that firetruck was for you? I was sleeping at the time and thought about going on the balcony to see what was going on.