OIL ON TITAN? SWEET! updated for the modern human.

(Post updated 2/14/2008)

Heh. I commented on Titan’s oil back in November of 2006 (that post is below), and now the news is saying:

Saturn’s orange moon Titan has hundreds of times more liquid hydrocarbons than all the known oil and natural gas reserves on Earth, according to new Cassini data. The hydrocarbons rain from the sky, collecting in vast deposits that form lakes and dunes. http://www.esa.int/esaSC/SEMCSUUHJCF_index_0.html

(See also http://blog.wired.com/wiredscience/2008/02/titans-organic.html)

Ok, ok. This is very good news for us. Kinda. It depends on what we mean by the word, “us.” Here’s what I’m thinking.

  1. Someday the sun is going to go supernova and engulf the Earth. Fact.
  2. That means that we are going to want to pack up our Taco Bells and get the hell out of here. Thus, the Grand Planetary Hop.
  3. However, (and this is the juicy fun part) not everyone will “qualify” for the GHP. In other words, when the sun swallows Mercury and the Earf heats up, not everybody is going on the rocketship. “This is ground control to Major Tom…. it’s getting very waaaaarm….
  4. Solution? Lottery. “Free” markets. In other words, ya better start a trust fund for your temporally-distant relatives. Don’t say that MC Spanky McGee never got anything right.
  5. Ok, so you’re gonna need tons o’ cash to go. You hit the moon, Mars, and then you’re off to Titan to load up on some sweet rocket fuel. Brrrr.
  6. Have fun getting your ass to Proxima Centauri. http://www.astro.wisc.edu/%7Edolan/constellations/extra/nearest.html “Gonna make it… gonna make it…. not gonna make it”

By the way, if you’re left behind when the supernova is about to occur, I know it’s going to suck. Total chaos. Total anarchy. Sorry we didn’t have the foresight, will, or ability to do ya better.
Peace out.
-MC Spanky McGee

So I’m reading the December 2006 issue of National Geographic last night, la la-la, checking out these kickass pictures of Saturn (I’m a dork. So what?), kinda reading the article about the Cassini and Huygens probes, when I hit page 54. At the top of the page in bigass letters, it quoted Hunter Waite, from the Southwest Research Institute:“THERE’S A LAYER OF FROZEN HYDROCARBONS, SIMILAR TO GASOLINE, COVERING MUCH OF THE MOON [TITAN]. IF YOU COULD MINE TITAN, YOU’D NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT OIL SHORTAGES.”-Sweet! This is going to rock. You can drive 95 after all! We will send a freakin’ huge rocket to Titan, which will take 7 years. We’ll load up on oil, and then we’ll send it back, and wait for 7 more years. Come on, now, don’t wuss out on me. You can wait 14 years for oil so that your ol’ Corvette club can still roll around and listen to Elvis–just for shits and giggles. Of course, this will only please us if we use more oil than we’re getting out of the trip.-
Below: the totally rad moon of Saturn, Titan.


What is extra-sugary is that National Geographic is in the middle of story about these strange objects in our solar system, and one of the things they highlight is how we could plunder that shit for oil. (Man, I hope there are some life forms on Titan that we can screw over. We have the God-given right to any oil in the solar system.) That’s like talking about a quadratic equation in a math book and then telling the reader that you could apply it to some chicken strips. Sure, Grown Pumpkin thinks about chicken strips a lot, but do you really have to torture the lil’ guy when he’s trying to do his math homework? How can I focus on the pretty pretty rings of Saturn when I start daydreaming about going to the gas station?

Too bad I’m not gonna be around for the Grand Planetary Hop. Humans are going to be intergalactic oil pirates some day, and I’d be a freakin’ sweet foot soldier in that shit. I just played 3 hours of Gears of War with Pumpkin on his monstrous plasma screen this last weekend. I’m ready to kick some alien-ass.


Ah, for some reason, I hear Queens of the Stone Age: “GIMME SOME MORE… DEEP FRIED, GIMME SOME MORE!” Now there’s the American motto: “GIMME SOME MORE!”

We soooo rock the house. Beeg time.

The recession will end soon. Here’s the solution.

MC Spanky McGee pulls some sweet economic forecasts out of his arse.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/02/08/sad.shopping… A study finds that sad people spend more!!!

The study found a willingness to spend freely by sad people occurs mainly when their sadness triggers greater “self-focus.” That response was measured by counting how frequently study participants used references to “I,” “me,” “my” and “myself” in writing an essay about how a sad situation such as the one portrayed in the video would affect them….

On average, the group watching the sad video offered to pay nearly four times as much for a sporty-looking, insulated water bottle than the group watching the nature video, according to the study by researchers from Harvard, Carnegie Mellon, Stanford and Pittsburgh universities.”

This is truly awesome. We will never hit an economic depression again. Here’s why.

Every time we hit a recession, all we have to do is look at some sad photos!

sad pupsad kitten

sad bushsad dick cheney

crying toddlertim duncan sad

Stare at each photo for 1 minute.

Don’t you feel the urge, welling up, deep down?

You know you want to. Oooooh, it would feel so good, just like Christmas morning, when you’re wearing your onesies, and it’s so warm, and you know that stepmom Cathy just bought you Call of Duty 4 to get you on her good side….

You know you need to bust out the visa.

This is the way we keep the economy alive and well. We throw a pity party for ourselves, and POOF, we’re back on top. The money flows, Walmart stays fat and happy, and everyone wins. We don’t need no stinkin’ rebate from Congress…

I fucking love flag

Tranny Fish Fry

The United States is often knocked for the “bigger = better” mentality. We also get knocked for meddling in science. I have found something that is both and does not apply to us.

Tranny Fish

There are scientists in the Middle East that are working on sex changes for fish to turn females into males. The thought process behind it is that the male fish are bigger and thus would provide more food.

I for one see the value of such an idea but also must acknowledge how whack that really sounds.

Pumpkin In the News

Big Pumpkin

Do you see me?  Picture me rollin.

Yesterday they weighed pumpkins at the 13th annual Rhode Island Southern New England Giant Pumpkin Growers Championship.  There was a pumpkin there that weighed 1,502 lbs which set the new Guiness Book of World Records mark of 1,469 lbs set just last year.

If you look closely in that photo, you may just see somebody you know.

“Pumpkin growing is a lot of work and you just have to stick with it”

“Rectal treament for hiccups”?

I shit you not. I’d really like to know how someone figured this out. Really. No one would purposely think, “Hey, I huhup have huhup hi huhup ccups, I should huhup jam my finger up my huhup.” I’m betting that it was discovered at a party in a bathroom by two drunk people: “Hey–my hiccups just went away when you poked my brown eye.”

Will this lead to a new set of behaviors associated with hiccups? You know, every time you get em’, some dildo comes running up: “Hold your breath for 20 seconds,” “Let me try to scare you in a minute,” “My grandma says to spin around and sing ‘I’m a little teapot.’”

Now people can run up and jam a thumb in the ol’ cornhole. All sorts of douchebags will get a happy-ass look on their face when their drunkass girlfriend gets hiccups: “Oh come on, baby. I know a cure. Let’s just try it.” Enter Dr. Shocker. Bzzzz bzzzzt.
Science rocks. Curing hiccups one bunghole at a time.

Shure E2c

E2c Sound Isolating Earphones

I’ve been using Shure’s E2c ear monitors for around 7 months now, and so I’m in a good position to discuss the good and the bad.

The first thing to say is that the sound quality is awesome. If you’re going to get an iPod, you might as well be a full-grown audiophile and stop toying around with iPod’s junior ear buds. You can get a better bass sound out of the sound isolation technology.

Now, I can’t claim any expertise on the science here, but these are also good for musicians. Drummers can play along to their iPods, for example, while at the same time getting volume reduction on the sound from their drums. It’s obvious that more and more musicians are using this type of in-ear monitor for live performances, so perhaps that fact alone can serve as a testament to their goodness.

You don’t need to have your music as loud, since the sound isolation cuts down on background noise. I’ve seen many news articles on the medical community’s concerns about hearing loss as result of people turning up their music too much and for too long–because of background noise. I think Shure gives you a way to hear your music clearly without heading towards hearing loss.
There is a danger with the E2c that has recently popped up. The plastic sleeves that customize your fit can get stuck in your ear. I suspect this happens because the sleeves get old and loose (like yo momma) from wear and tear over time, and they lose their grip on the plastic post that secures them. I don’t know how many people end up in the emergency room to get those sleeves removed, but I’m betting it’s happened. A pair of tweezers could probably get the sleeve out of your ear with no problem. Just be careful, yo. Maybe replace the sleeve as soon as it gets testy.
My first set of E2cs broke, so I sent in them in with a form, and I got new ones very quickly–at no charge except the original cost of sending them in. So kudos to their warranty and customer service….

On the whole, I’m a happy camper.


The U.S. embroiled in civil war?


“Evolutionary biology has vanished from the list of acceptable fields of study for recipients of a federal education grant for low-income college students.”

The civil war in which we find ourselves is one centering ideology. It might be a mistake that this major was taken off the list, but it could be only a matter of time before the fundies openly try to attack it.

Not convinced? See this:

The fundies want you to think that we are the result of incest. Hmmmm. Adam, Eve, and two sons. You do the math. I like it. It would explain why we’re so fucked up as a species. The mutant effects of “original incest” would be cool, though. I would like having an extra big toe popping out of the top of my head. Maybe an extra scro hanging off my cheek. Sweet. Maybe Pumpkin could have a little pouch on his belly for extra pizza rolls.
“But the genes of Adam and Eve were perfect. That’s why it wasn’t incest.”

1. You’re appealing to the very science that undermines your talking-snake theory (thank you, David Cross)

2. How did we did get the genetic variation we do have?

If you appeal to environmental factors to answer the question, you might as well concede to the theory of evolution…

If you say, “God,” you’ve only put more duct tape on the theory, and you’ve retreated more into ignorance.

Science fucking rocks.

-Spanko El Nerdo