New Tool album? Who knows? Same old cryptic nonsense on website.

TOOL.com

SUBJECT: ROLLING STONE

QUESTION: “Hey Blair, I’m sure you’ve received emails about this, but just in case you haven’t… a Rolling Stone journalist said he did shots of Patron with Danny and Maynard at the Grammys and they told him there is a new album in the works. My heart skipped a beat when I read it. Do you have any insight to this rumor?”

REPLY [from Blair, the Webmaster]: If Danny and/or Maynard told the guy that there was a new (Tool) album in the works, than who am I to say that it’s not so? However, I can’t help but wonder if these were decoy band members that attended the Grammys, or, even if they were the actual band members, was this record they were referring to merely a decoy album? As a de-facto ambassador (with or without the white robe of a Fair Witness), keep in mind what I wrote in the January 17th newsletter – namely that if you were to go looking for a band member on the Red Carpet, you better watch out not only for a large Venerian Dragon with a cockney lisp, but for SnARKS that are boojums! Still, if they really are dusting off the dry-erase ‘arrangement’ board over at the rehearsal space, perhaps it’s once again time to remove the violet silk wrap of my faux bird’s-eye maple deluxe edition ‘talking board’ and summon Obelisong, the “pleasant deliverer” of some ’10,000 Days” tidbits a couple of years ago. Better yet, what do you say we just wait and see what unfolds over the next few months? Any pertinent news shall be posted in a timely fashion.

Look, I’m a huge Tool fan, but I can’t stand this kind of bullshit. I know that the band members generally get a kick out of this kind of teasing their fans, and the band’s little imp, Blair Blake, is perfect in that role. As you can see above, Blair’s nonsense follows a mindless played-out pattern, which generally goes like this:

“Tool might be making a new album, but you’ll have to consult the 74th Rthgar in the Shadow of the Moon during the Festival of Hmondatar, while feasting on the six-sided Humoth, stroking your ying-yang to the…”

Look, TOOL, I bet most of your fans are too lazy to look up your esoteric D and D terms. I bet a couple of dorks do torture themselves for hours tracking down words and riddles you made up. I sure as shit don’t care. Release the album, and I’ll buy it. Bottom line. But it ain’t because you guys have little hexagrams and other geometrical symbols on your instruments (ahem, DC). It’s because you’re top-notch musicians (and that ain’t because of the shapes).

In fact, I’d rather have you talk about science and get away from this obsession with mystical words and shapes altogether. It’s just as goofy as the religions you guys often make fun of.

-MC Spanky McGee

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About MC_Spanky_ McGee

Spanky really likes Wendy's #6, and does not buy the so-called purist's prohibition against adding onions or pepperjack to Spicy Chicken. Spanks also rocks out El Burrito Loco in DeKalb, IL. Winners: Arby's, Taco Bell, and Burger King. Losers: Taco John's and people who don't cuss. Slappy is a firm believer in evolution, loves his iPod, and does not like the Republican Party. Slappy also likes double-bass-driven metal (Tool, Lamb of God, etc), funk, classic rock, but also likes classical and pop music.

18 thoughts on “New Tool album? Who knows? Same old cryptic nonsense on website.

  1. When does tool ever “make fun of” religions? I agree with you, blair is one annoying asshole, but stop acting like they’re forced to tell you a straight answer or that you’re forced to read blair’s bullshit. Wiki says Keenan promised another tool album. That should be good enough. Even if it never happens, they’ve given you amazing albums that can be listened to everyday and never get old, and in exchange you gave them 10 or 15 dollars (the price of a fucking pizza hut pizza) per album, so stop bitching.

  2. Enoon,
    Did you catch the “I’m a huge Tool fan” part?

    I didn’t say I was forced to read Blair’s nonsense. I just said that I was sick of it. Certainly you get sick of reading things that you perceive to be bitching–like this post, for example, but I didn’t force you to read *it*.

    Sickness and coercion are logically independent of each other.

    QED.

    Next–they don’t “owe” me a straight answer. True. But I will modify my earlier argument to fit this concept of *debt* that you’re attributing to me.

    “Make fun of” was probably too strong. But Maynard is generally not a fan of religions. This can be seen in interviews with him. I’m just saying–you can’t really dis organized religion and then go with the occult (something that DC might be doing. Then again, it might be a show.)

    That aside, I’m excited about a new album, and you are certainly correct about the Pizza Hut part. (I rock DiGiorno, myself).

    I still find new things on the albums, even after I’ve listened to the songs 1,000 times.

    About the bitching: I’m afraid I can’t stop doing that. That’s kinda my job here at the Trumpet.

    Most of all, thanks for commenting. Spanky feels so “ronery” here sometimes.

  3. obviously you dont know what your talkiing about because the weird shapes and fucked up lyrics is what makes tool. their music is phnomenal and powerful, but people that dont know what theyre talking about shouldnt post stuff on the internet. so stop bitching mayve tool wants us to panic on the fact of a new album or not.

  4. HAHA Tool fans don’t be mad. I might be the biggest fan of TooL here but still completely agree with the author of this article.

    For those of you who think that they didn’t make fun of religions you obviously never listened to Opiate, Salival, Undertow or Aenima. Yeah you jumped on at Lateralus didnt you?

  5. I found it kind of funny that Blair, the Webmaster, said that he would rather talk about science and get away from this obsession with mystical words and shapes. well I have news for you. they are science dumb ass! sacred geometry! it is more than mysticism, they are trying to get you to understand the world around you. which is the definition of science

    Science (from the Latin scientia, meaning “knowledge” or “knowing”) is the effort to discover, and increase human understanding. wiki

    tool is more than music, it is an idea system.
    open ur mind for Christ sake!

  6. Thank God-

    I thought i was alone in the broader spectrum…

    Dude, Rosetta Stoned (the whole tim leary faux revelations…revelations….reve-something-after-another)

    Maynard, all those guys.
    They are brillant, and they have alot of deep thoughts..
    but it’s not about that, the essence of being weird is being deep-
    but not really giving a fuck, because you realize-that other people realize-that nobody gives a fuck.

    As moving and poetic as it is, i love it-
    but let’s get real-
    We live in America, that shit don’t fly.

    and the duo 10,000 days, ode to his mom-
    why wouldn’t he have just archived that shit?
    he just sold his confessions of his love for Judith to Franchise Wal-Mart (yeah i bought it at wal-mart)

    talk about a “Martyr”…

    i fucking love T00L but they need to wake up and smell the roses.

    They need to see past the riddles, thats so artificial-
    it’s almost fake.

    fuck.
    i’m at a loss for words, dude-
    you know where i’m coming from

    i’m just glad to know that i’m not the only one.

    but keep on rockin the T00l

    and if any of you band members read this,

    you ought to listen.

    Maynard-
    you are the epitemy of exaclty what you wrote about in 3 Libras.
    How do you think that makes me feel?
    That song is my tesitmony, and your like Paul..
    “Remove the splinter from your own eye, before reaching for the log in mine”

    it’s difficult not to feel a little bit dissapointed….

    Stay Weird.

  7. Its funny when you talk about “mystical words and shapes” because you obviously have no idea what they are or stand for. Did you seriously think they are into the occult? do you even know how broad a term that is , never minding your complete ignorance on the philosophy they portray?
    “I sure as shit don’t care. Release the album, and I’ll buy it. Bottom line. But it ain’t because you guys have little hexagrams and other geometrical symbols on your instruments (ahem, DC).”
    This sentence means your very confused individual in my opinion. I don’t care if you mentioned that you are “a huge Tool fan”… Basically it sounds like you don’t give a shit about anything but Tool’s music. You don’t care about any other aspect they portray? That’s kinda narrow-minded. In this fucked up world, im happy a few people are bringing the ancient ideas of sacred geometry and eastern philosophy to all Americans. some people are spiritually crying out for some new ideas. Tool gives people new ideas so they can become creative themselves. That is a good thing.
    Cheers!

  8. forgot to mention something I wanted to share. You know the song
    “Faap de Oaid” on Lateralus? its a real guy that was on the radio show Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell around the time that this album was made. In the middle of his strange and scary interview involving government cover-up of UFO, the sattelite was knocked out of its rotation. Origin of failure unknown. Spooky shit!

    “you know the people are sheep when you get them to think your unable to keep a secret”

  9. all i have to say is that making a full album takes a long time, and pressure of fans and guys like this don’t help…

    so i just trust they will and i wait.

  10. hey, MC spanky Mcdonalds!im not one to pass judgement but design is what makes great music and fooling with a pattern pushes design. not tool. of course we’ll all buy and support the next album sacrared geometry is all part of the path. with shapes and patterns is how it was designed. embrace

  11. BUY BUY BUY MY NEW RECORD
    BUY BUY BUY SEND MORE MONEY

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU BUDDY!

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU BUDDY!

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU BUDDY!

    FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU BUDDY!

  12. Tool may be interested in things associated with the occult, and you’re right, Maynard isn’t generally excited about organized religion. Keyword ORGANIZED. Just because you’re interested in sacred geometry or merkaba or the third eye, doesn’t mean you’re a part of the religion it’s associated with. Tool is thinking music ! No other band can give you a song, thats as catchy, gets nailed into your head like some Painted White Jesus Christ, has as many original polyrhythms, has original lyrics and riffs that you’ve never heard in many other places, ( unless its another TOOL song ) NO other band can give a song and make you go, “I wonder what this is about?” so you go and type it into a search engine and you start piecing shit together, researching, and learning things you never knew before. Tool has opened my eyes to so many diffeent things in the world, it’s incredible. But when it comes down to it, I believe Tool is a spiritual band. They don’t necessarily BELIEVE in anything specific, because, really, there’s no way you can put all of your faith and hopes, because there are so many religions, chances are, you’re wrong. So just, do your best down here, until your time is up and you have to move on to something else. Fuck this Blair character, he has nothing to do with TOOL. And HEY, I use to play D&D !! And what would Tool be without their little geometric shapes ?? haha, just leave ‘em alone and let them do whatever the fuck they want, other then progressing as a band, why would they change anything ? Science is as ‘stupid’ as the religions you think they’re dissing. What the fuck makes science any better then anything else ? Anyways, thats why they’re TOOL and you’re just MC HamSpanker…

    Good day, Hahaha.

  13. I must say that I feel the same as MC Spanky McGee…. You really never know what you will get when it comes to TOOL… But I do at times feel that TOOL is just putting on a show… I feel that we are the followers of them…. I dont however take anything to heart… It is just music…..(Damn good music) I find that there is really no need to get your pantie’s in a knot over a comment!!! But whatever makes you happy run with it…. But I do wish TOOL would give us a Yes or No on live tv…. But I may have better luck wishing for it to rain cats and dogs…. Hope you take this to your liking!!!

    Always,
    MIZZTOOL

  14. omg tool is just too good for you bitches and digiorno suck dicks and so does pizza hut so suck it dominos changed it LOL

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