Splendor in the Ass

As I was explaining to Pumpkin the other night, when I saw that ‘mudbutt’ category, I had to explain my mudbutt story. So to take it short, I’ll post the Cliff Notes version.

In a restaurant, ready to leave one night, the waitresses wear these 50′s waitress uniforms that look like candy striper uni’s. Sort skirt right below the asscheek line, one waitress is reaching over the counter, when I go back to my table to get my car keys, her bulletproof granny-sized underwear is exposed with the worst case of mudbutt/skidmark ass I have ever seen in my life.

Now, considering it was “that time of the month”, a) because of the granny underwear, and b) because of the red blotches that were mixed in that made the ass crack of her underwear look like either a Jackson Pollack painting or a Leroy Neiman signature painting… I nearly lost what I had consumed at this fine establishment.

This is forever burned into my memory… like a bitter break-up, it has scarred me for quite some time. My therapist says soon, it will be a distant memory, but that red/bown paintball splatter haunts me. I need some tequila.

18 thoughts on “Splendor in the Ass

  1. There is an element of this story that is funny but left out. The Captain here received a verbal lashing from his then-lady friend for checking this “babe” out. In this case he could have pointed to the mess and said to his woman “Come On Bro.”

    Bulletproof undies reminds me of the girl from Robin Hood Men in Tights rocking the chastity belt.

  2. A friend’s wife who had twins 10 months back blew full on fecal fallout in her panties about a week after she got home from the hospital. Se was simply walking down the stairs. I’m glad I’m not a chick. Their bodies get so fucked up.

    HATCHET WOUND
    GASH
    POON

  3. Was I onced bribed slash dared to hit on Gooch in a steakhouse in the midwest?

    Poon left a bloody glove on the scene of that post, but Cochran may have done enough to get him free.

    MAN IN THE BOAT
    BEEF CURTAINS

  4. Friend’s wif was really supposed to be in quotes!! I swear. IT WAS MY FUCKING WIFE. She shat herself!! I love her so much more for it too!

    Gooch wants to see if Punkin has plans on Feb 14th 2007

    TACKLEBOXINGRING

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