CNN reports that a snake-handling preacher has been arrested:

The pastor of a Kentucky church that handles snakes in religious rites was among 10 people arrested by wildlife officers in a crackdown on the venomous snake trade.

More than 100 snakes, many of them deadly, were confiscated in the undercover sting after Thursday’s arrests, said Col. Bob Milligan, director of law enforcement for Kentucky Fish and Wildlife.

Most were taken from the Middlesboro home of Gregory James Coots, including 42 copperheads, 11 timber rattlesnakes, three cottonmouth water moccasins, a western diamondback rattlesnake, two cobras and a puff adder.

Handling snakes is practiced in a handful of fundamentalist churches across Appalachia, based on the interpretation of Bible verses saying true believers can take up serpents without being harmed.

I feel a strong urge to recommend that all Christian nutjobs should go pick up some puff adders, but I will resist that urge.

Let’s think a little bit here. Aren’t there other ways to tell whether someone really believes in Baby Jesus?

Surely there are. I doubt the snake handling is the only litmus test.

And what is it with Christians and snakes anyway? That’s just so Ozzy of them.

-MC Spanky McGee

MC Spanky McGee is trying to get back in the saddle here at the Trumpet.

The centrality of gasoline.

As gas prices soar, thieves grow more brazen

Most gas thefts are still perpetrated by motorists who drive off without paying. After seeing declines in drive-offs earlier this decade, after many stores began requiring drivers to pre-pay, the National Association of Convenience Stores says they’re rising sharply again. “

Gasoline is at the center of the American economy, but there are those who will doubt this.

One group, for example, is crazy enough to believe that Baby Jesus will create more oil. What a crock. He would have already done it by now. (I really don’t need to refute this hypothesis on this blog.)

We will see more crime of all kinds as gas prices go up. More gas will stolen from the pump, perhaps tankers will be hijacked.

I hate to be the ominous village prognosticator, but we are seeing the beginning of how crazy it’s going to get when oil becomes scarce. Food prices will go up, and I think those living in the big cities are going to have the hardest time. I don’t want to sound like these people, but you have to admit that the potential for chaos is real.

The question is, How likely is the chaos?

About as likely that we won’t find alternative energy sources to meet our demand.

-MC Spanky McGee

THIS is why religion can be dangerous. Parents merely pray while daughter dies.

Two parents who prayed as their 11-year-old daughter died of untreated diabetes were charged Monday with second-degree reckless homicide. “

Family and friends had urged Dale and Leilani Neumann to get help for their daughter, but the father considered the illness “a test of faith” and the mother never considered taking the girl to the doctor because she thought her daughter was under a “spiritual attack,” the criminal complaint said. “

GODDAMNIT. This is senseless. The parents and their preacher should all be put in prison. They were running around, using faith–and wouldn’t ya know it–faith turned out to get someone killed.

A day before Madeline died, according to the criminal complaint, the father wrote an e-mail with the headline, “Help our daughter needs emergency prayer!!!!.” It said his daughter was “very weak and pale at the moment with hardly any strength.” “

If you know anyone who is like this, call the cops and the loony-catchers on their dumbasses immediately.

It’s called science, and don’t you dare tell me that science “doesn’t have all the answers.” No shit, assface. I know that. But it sure as shit drives that computer you’re now using to view this goofy-ass website. That Gateway Pentium-II you’re on doesn’t run on the Bible or Jesus-juice.


-MC Spanky McGee

Somebody in America still has some goddamned common sense: parents turn in their son

Ryan Schallenberger, 18, was arrested Saturday after his parents called police when 10 pounds of ammonium nitrate, an oxidizing agent in explosives, was delivered to their home in Chesterfield, near the North Carolina border, Chief Randall Lear of the Chesterfield Police Department said. “

I applaud these parents. Some people finally used their brains, goddamnit.

-MC Spanky McGee

Spanky is tired of “We never saw that comin’.”

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer kicks it with Emperors Club VIP prostitutes

Eliot Spitzer Prostitution Ring

Spanky says:

The New York Times reports that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has been involved in a prostitution ring.

Looks like the politicians sure are going bonkers in the last few days, with Sally Kern telling us that gays are worse than terrorists.

Look, now is not the time to dismiss all politicians out of hand–although I get tempted myself. Don’t think, “They’re all scumbags,” on the basis of a few cases. Some assholes are worse than others. Fact. So, you should vote for the person that will be the smallest asshole!!!

Back to Spitzer, he claims during his public statement today that politics is not about individuals but is about ideas.

Ok, Eliot. Maybe in an ideal world. But the public won’t accept that distinction. You’re gonna get a ton of pressure to walk, bro.

Grown Pumpkin‘s Analysis:
Does having your wife stand by you make it seem like you’re OK in spite of all of your misdoing? Looking at her face, I would say no. In fact I think parading her up there does her a disservice and may make you come off as even more of an insincere douche. You were named the “Crusader of the Year” by Time Magazine and even “Eliot Ness” for sorting out corrupt “establishment” members. Now you are yet another corrupt politician, worthy of lampooning and photoshopping (like you as Don Magic Juan above). You are no longer the crusader. You are going to lose your job over this. Your reputation is gone. Your apology for your “private matter” seems so fake and hollow.

The best / worst part of all of this is that all the details have yet to emerge (update: details are emerging). We know he has been referred to as “Client 9″ in the Emperors Club VIP bust that has linked high rollers to prostitutes around the world using wiretaps. It appears he was a client, and maybe he was just there to talk… or we will be treated to raunchy details of yet another hypocritical politician’s extramarital sex life. Hopefully his family and friends and the millions he is responsible for will be able to move on without too much harm. People make mistakes, but hiding it under public trust and ultimately showing no true remorse multiplies and magnifies your offense. Sir, if you were a regular guy, nobody would care… but you promised New York voters you were different and Time Magazine took the bait.

I hope you weren’t buying the 7 Diamond girls that cost $5,500 each hour… and I hope that money was yours and not the government’s… and I hope that they are women hookers for your sake or Sally Kern may breathe hot fire down on you. Hopefully there are no photos or video of you in some crazy oufit doing crazy things… this thing could get way worse.

I admittedly knew very little of you until today, and while my photoshop is inaccurate (you were a John and not Mr. Whitefolks), it will be in my head from here out. Others will have similar thoughts of the former crusader of the year.

Bro Taguchi’s analysis:

Being the Gooch, I gotta jump in here. That photoshop is one of the $$$-est things I’ve ever seen…

I see two issues here. First and foremost, this isn’t really a “corrupt politician” story, it’s a hypocrisy story. Spitzer was a real cowboy as the Attorney General of New York, but now he’ll be seen as just another power-monger who decided to bust others for disobeying corporate trading laws while ignoring other laws by runnin up in hoes in the clubby-club. Some people can get away with such selective obedience/enforcement…state governors cannot.

Spitzer was one of my favorite guys for a long time, and to some degree I still respect him. Let’s face it…this is another “beej in the White House” type of story. This leads to the 2nd issue…is a guy is a scorn-worthy scumbag because he got loved up by a prostitute? The unequivocal answer to that in today’s political environment is “yes,” but I’d take Spitzer any day of the week over former Illinois Governor George Ryan (who used his office to get very wealthy rather than to get laid). I don’t think Spitzer fleeced Time magazine…he just took liberties with other parts of his life. He truly was the Crusader of the Year (who dipped on the side)…not unlike MLK or JFK. History has been much more forgiving to these men, and their political legacies remain in tact. Hell, one of ‘em even gets a national holiday. In spite of all this massaging, I should point out that now is, in fact, resignation time.

Issue 2.5: If people want to differentiate between having sex with “not-my-wife” for money or for free (as it pertains to Spitzer’s character), that’s their issue…or perhaps the government’s issue. S’all the same to me.

Gay porn stars busted for burglary: Teyon and Keyon

From the AP:

actor 1 a 2

Twin Porn Actors Charged in Burglary

Twin brothers who have appeared in hardcore gay-porn online videos are charged with the rooftop burglary of a South Philadelphia business and are suspected in dozens of similar crimes in at least three states, authorities said.

Weird. I would’ve thought that gay porn would be so lucrative. Why would you need to steal? After all, the internet was made for porn… (or so it seems.)

Taleon, who police believe is a trained gymnast and karate expert, has used his athleticism to make several daring escapes from police.

He was handcuffed in the back of a moving police cruiser after a 2006 drug arrest in Clementon, N.J., when he broke out the glass with his head and jumped into a lake while still handcuffed, police Chief Dave Kunkel said.

He swam across like Flipper, taunting the officers, saying, ‘You’ll never catch me,’ Kunkel told the Daily News.

Whoa!  That’s awesome. He can swim in handcuffs? Shit, I can barely swim with four functional limbs.

Taleon Goffney teyon

-MC Spanky McGee

“I’m not a dude…”; Officer Suspended After Skateboarder Rant

Check out the aftermath in the news here.

[youtube width="499" height="417"][/youtube]

“I’ll smack you upside your head.”

“I’m not ‘man,’ I’m not ‘dude…’ You go around doin’ this stuff, and someone is gonna kill you.”

“Stop calling me ‘dude.’ A dude is someone who works on a ranch.”

My dear readers, I gotta tell ya, I’m getting old. And I’m just smart enough to know that we need law and order.

So I look at these kids, and I think, “Shut your piehole, bro. You’re asking for it.” Maybe I even break out my shivering grandpa-fist and wheeze out, “You damn kids….” I also know that cops have tough jobs, and they’re under a lot of stress. I generally have a lot of respect for them.

But, Salvatore Rivieri, you are a dildonic, douchebaggish, assholish, motherfucker. How are you going to make veiled death threats against a classic, skateboarding, 14-year old punk kid?

Rivieri, you sound ‘roided out. “A dude is someone who works on a ranch”? Come on, bro. You know damn well that the expression is looser than that. You had to have rocked out in the 80s. That you are so concerned with your title shows that you are obsessed with your power status. I don’t think that this is an isolated incident. I think you need an ego check. Maybe you should get a buddy and play Grown Pumpkin and me in team doubles on Halo 3.

For real ‘doh, I’d say that this is definitely not a case of the police winning hearts and minds.


MC Spanky McGee says, “Fuck da abusive police….” Please note the qualifier….

Update: 2 /13/2008 11:24 AM

On the Youtube page, absolutetruth2 replies to the video:

What a dumbass kid!! I wish the cop would have just shot him dead on the spot and saved the community from decades of having to pay welfare for his stupid ass. So much for the next great generation of Americans.”

This is a fine example of some wannabe fiscal conservative who hides his ultimate desire to kill indiscriminately behind his prediction of how this particular kid will turn out. Well, I got news for you, absolutetruth2, your statement shows how stupid you are. Don’t act like you were some kid that was a little angel when you were 14. In the words of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys, “Fuck off.” Asshole.

MC Spanky McGee still has some rebellion left in him. Sometimes he just doesn’t give a shit.


Chant it with me.

In light of the terrible City Council shootings and the Lousiana Technical College shootings, I’m wondering how proponents of the NRA can argue that we need more guns. The NRA will probably try to claim that, had the victims been armed, the attempting murderers would’ve been stopped in a careful and rational way. What do I mean by “stopped”?

One of the headlines on the NRA’s site today (2/9/2008) is “Store owner fatally shot suspected thief.” The part that really gives the NRA a rock-hard boner is “fatally.” There’s nothing like killing, and if we can do it with the law on our side, all the better.

Of course, I’m all for the claim that killing in self-defense is justified. But, do I really want to be around lots of people who are all armed and are constantly getting itchy trigger finger because they know that everyone around them has guns? Do we really think that they would become better judges of when and how to use a gun? I think people would become more irrational. Why? Because people are scared of dying, and nothing breeds irrationality more than fear.

In a culture where we all have guns, people would constantly fear for their lives and there would be death all over the place.

But maybe that’s what the NRA wants. Maybe they want us to extinguish ourselves, all in the name of the law. We’ll all kill each other in the name of self-defense…

Shit, even the Teletubbies would constantly be ready to pop a cap at the slightest provocation….

teletubbies pull out guns

(original image:…)

Damn, I’m ready to play some Halo 3 today…