Spanky’s review of Taco Bell’s Fiesta Platter and Wendy’s premium fish sandwich

1. This last weekend I had Taco Bell’s Fiesta Platter. I had the grilled steak stuft burrito version. The burrito is pretty solid–it’s big enough to get you feeling warm and round. The most surprising positive aspect of this platter is the salsa, which is chunky. I didn’t know Taco Bell could get chunky, since most of their sauces are runny. The only problem was that they didn’t give me enough of it. I don’t like naked tortilla chips. I guess I could have asked the manager for more salsa.

The rice is fairly standard. The beans are topped off with that weird Taco Bell sauce that they put on the enchirito (one of my favorite under-the-radar items at ol’ TB).

Beyond that, the Fiesta Platter is just a new arrangement of old materials. But I’m on to you, Taco Bell. I know that it is the Platter’s big black tray that really hypnotizes us: “WHOA! This platter is flippin’ HUUUUUGE, Kip!” After you are done with your meal, you will marvel at the size of this pontoon boat that held your sloppy ploppy mix.

Overall verdict: you’re better off mixing and matching like you normally do at Taco Bell.

(Below, Master Chief wishes he could fight in a sea of hot sauce in the Fiesta PT boat)

taco bell fiesta platter master chief

2. Wendy’s “premium” fish sandwich. I don’t see what’s so premium about it. It’s decent, it filled me up, but it’s kinda blah. The fish itself was good and had a uniform taste–there weren’t any weird chunks in it, and it didn’t taste mashed or processed.

If you’re going to try this fish-thingy, you might add some toppings to it, but I don’t really know what you could add to a fish sandwich that would really make it rock. I’d love to see suggestions for pimping your fish sandwich in the comments.

-MC Spanky McGee

P.S. While you’re here, check out http://soupytrumpet.com/2006/11/15/kfc-for-aliens/

KFC for aliens!

Kentucky Fried Chicken has lost its damn mind, Reuters reports. They put a giant logo out in the desert by Area 51.
“If there are extraterrestrials in outer space, KFC wants to become their restaurant of choice,” KFC President Gregg Dedrick said in a statement.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061115/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_food_kfc
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(Reuters photo)
Next they’ll put a logo on the moon. I can’t wait until The Alien, E.T., and Jabba the Hutt stop by for a bucket of KFC. This is totally going to rock. I hope they like biscuits and mashed potatoes. They sure as hell wouldn’t order that piece of shit known as “The Snacker.”

The Giger Alien enjoys a leg:

alien kfc

et kfc

jabba kfc 2

Spanky is aware that his Photoshop skills are totally ghetto. Spanky had KFC for lunch today. It was awesome.

-Colonel Spanky

Total Disaster

Arby’s has a “meatball sandwich.” I live by a credo which this sandwich recently tested: If you are a food establishment, and you’re bold enough to make a meatball sub…you’ll get my biz at least once. Guaranteed. Arby’s got my biz about 2 weeks ago. Those little grape-sized things (which were the consistency of rubber) were supposed to be meatballs. It was SPAM…or the meatball equivalent of SPAM. I don’t really care…I still ate it. It resembled a meatball sub…but it wasn’t good. Arby’s may have already subliminally gotten my memo because the meatball is nowhere on their website (but I still think they’re still offering it).

Unless you live by the same credo as me and you refuse to let it go, then there’s no need for you to embark on this disastrous mission. However, I’ll bet $100 that Pumpkin will hook up the Arby’s meatball in spite of my warning. That’s why he’s the Punkin.

My advice: stick to the Total Happiness…the mother of all meatball sandwiches (at least from a franchise). Spanky may not agree, but Subway’s still the king of meatballs:

Arby’s+stocks+Cub Foods=I’m a good American.

I thought I was going to eat lunch at home, but I realized that I had an opportunity to make good partially on my pledge concerning Arby’s. So, after I bought stock in AMD, Yahoo, and Sirius today, I went and got my first roast turkey and swiss sandwich, which ran me close to $7.

menu_market_fresh_roast_turkey_and_swiss.jpg

As usual, the curly fries got the job done. The sandwich was very good, and its HUSK-FACTOR was about an 8. I think they knew they had to make it fairly big to compete with their roast beef flagship, and they succeeded. My complaint, however, is that you can easily make this sandwich at home (lettuce, tomato, onions, spicy mustard (I think) and wheat bread), and it would taste just as good. Furthermore, you’d save yourself about $5.

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Prediction: Pumpkin will balk at the “Market Fresh” label it bears. I don’t think he likes hearing how “fresh” anything is. I already said that I’d be exploring their more obscure sandwiches, just to make sure I wasn’t missing out on anything. Although this sandwich was good, I doubt I’ll be buying it again.

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Next: my adventure at Cub Foods. In a previous post, Pumpkin lamented the failure of Jimmy John’s employees to offer conscientiously a cup to him. One thing that bugs me is people who go through the line at Cub foods only to block the way out with their cart. You’d like to get your cart through there so that you can park on the other side to collect your groceries, but NOOOOOOO–Susie McSelf-absorbed has already claimed the land for Spain. Now, the response that Taguchi made to Pumpkin’s post equally applies to this post, but, goddamnit, why should I have to say something??? As Pops McGee taught us McGee children, “Pay attention to your fucking environment.” Ok, he doesn’t drop the F-bomb, but whatever. Look, lady, you know I’m back there. Get that cart situated and we can all be happy.

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But maybe I’m missing something. She might be entitled. After all, she spent her money first, she got there first, and she was going to start consuming gasoline before I was. I got beat out of the starting gate, and she had every God-cosigned right to be there, with her Zamboni taking up the little Cub Foods Chute of Consumption. Praise Jesus.
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On the way back from Cub, I saw all these trucks on the road, getting ready to deliver shit people bought, and I felt good. I thought, “I’m buying stock, out spending money on sandwiches I can make at home, I’m consuming gasoline, trucks are rollin’, goddamn I’m a great American.

Well, maybe not as good as Susie. But hey–my stock portfolio is up $9.36.

-Spanks.

Steak & Cheese – A Sandwich Scorned

I knee-jerk reacted to Quiznos’ marketing campaign showing their steak sandwich being approximately 900 times bigger than Subway’s.  I drove across town to verify and was shocked to see that the Quiznos had moved out.  I never stepped foot in that location in the short time it was there, that should say something right there.  There are a couple  other “rumored” Q locations in town, but neither were worth exploring.  I was tipped off by old Five-Head Tagooch to go try Arby’s meatball sandwich and was denied the pleasantry because this location had not gotten them yet.  So this mission was a flop, as it should have been.

I started with that story because I believe that it may have cost me a relationship that I took for granted for years.  I remember to this day the first experience I ever had with a Subway.  I walked in (not knowing it was a chain at all) and tried to order a sandwich that was half meatball and half steak & cheese.  I remember now the dude trying to explain to my  lil’ guy self how I could get a 6″ of one and a 6″ of the other.  My thing was that I only wanted one sandwich.  That man hooked it up, so props to him for that.  It was probably 15 or more years ago when this happened.  From that day on those two sandwiches became my bread and butter.  Then one day I decide to test the waters for a better steak & cheese.  It was not the harmless “eating that because I am here anyway,”  I was on the prowl.

The next time I went to Subway, Steak & Cheese was nowhere to be found.  I did not do anything wrong, I did not cheat…but the intention was there and Steak & Cheese must have known it.  I asked the lady for the old faithful and she reached for what appeared to be a Steak & Cheese at first glance.  I look back over and it saw some chunks of meet with a bunch of peppers and such.  I asked and she told me Steak & Cheese is gone as I knew it.  Subway knee-jerk reacted to Quiznos too and launched a line of “Premium” sandwiches.  Jon Lovitz commercials contributed to the demise of a sandwich I have partnered up with well over 100 times.

Maybe I deserved this?  Maybe I caused this?  Maybe it really was time to move on?  Either way I am off to try and find a different Subway that will give me one last roll in the hay with my boo.

Sub Shop Cup Etiquette

How many times do you go into a deli or sandwich shop, order a sandwich and a drink, then have to remind the register jockey to hand you the cup you just paid for? I just had this happen at a Jimmy Johns and it really does happen to me quite frequently at this and other establishments. Subway over the last few years has developed a better system in most of their locations. They have a cup dispenser at the end of the counter that you can grab yourself. In those particular restaurants ou even have the luxury of filling up while the food is being prepped if the conditions are ideal.

The cashier neglecting to give you your cup leaves you in an ackward spot where you have to step up and ultimately feel like a douche for asking.

“e hem e hem, excuse me, sir, um may I have the um cup for my soda please? You can make it a small if you like, it’s all ok. You know what, never mind, I didn’t really need it anyway.”

OR

You can do the other route. “Listen Bro…Can I get that cup I just paid for? Let’s be serious. Did you really already forget?”

Maybe I am the only that knows what I am talking about on this one?

The “Kernel”

I need to speak with the Purresidents of KFC. I made the strange decision to eat lunch there today…the plan was to get a tender roast and get out. However, today I realized that the TR (along with every other sandwich they have ever fashioned) has been scrapped in favor of the Snacker. I knew that the KFC/Nacho in my barrio had given up on all the other sandwiches, but I thought that was due to its dual nature. Today I visited a full-blown Colonel to find no sandwiches other than the snacker…so I got mine buffaloed.

Before I debunk the myth of the Snacker, I will say that they get credit for having a 99-cent product that you can buffalo. This is at least a rarity and at best a one-of-a-kind buffalo product because of the price (unless you consider a 25-cent basket of 5 shrimp doused with Frank’s at Fast Eddie’s in Alton a “buffalo” product). However, after much consideration during my “meal” today, I realized that this apparent boon to the snacker’s aura is weak at best…I could buffalo a turd and sell it for 5 cents. It would still be a buffalo product.

The snacker is KFC’s pathetic attempt to streamline its previous sandwich menu. The bun blows, and the whole experience just turns into a rainstorm of falling lettuce once you open the wrapper. The chicken is far from mee-tee, so it turns into an equal conglomeration of lettuce, batter and perhaps some fowl if you’re lucky. Finally, LOOGATHASEIZATHATHEING! It’s so small that it’s all bun…and the bun still blows. I deplore the snacker and everything it stands for…not even a little carton of potato wedges can save that thing. LAME-ASS!