Spanky’s playa hate of the day: 2/4/2008

Last night we played GUNSLINGERJAMES and his guys. He was not thrilled about a fresh-out-the-box asswhoopin’ he received from my crew. In the postgame lobby, GUNSLINGERJAMES spewed forth a barrage of semi-unintelligible swear words that would surely offend his mama. What would she think?

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” she would say.

Anyway, back to GUNSLINGERJIMMY. During his spew, I said, “Hey, that sounds like a rap. I’ll beatbox.” 3 seconds into my beatboxing and GUNSLINGERJIMMY’s voice raises three octaves–pretty close to MACHINE 666′s pitch–and he spews even faster. Then we got booted from the postgame lobby.
Well, I was feeling feisty, so I sent JIMMY a message offering to beatbox for him some more.

Here was his response (earmuffs if you are faint of heart–there are death threats in this audio recording):


Doesn’t the Halo theme music in the background add a nice touch? I also like his command, Don’t rap.”

Undaunted by JIMMY’s idle threats of raping me and killing my family, I pressed on in the name of charity, sending JIMMY some of my best beatbox material. His reply to that was this:


Priceless. I really hope that he and I can form a rap group. I think his rhymes and my beats could really go far. I just don’t think I want him on my Halo 3 team, because he’s just not that good.


Given that JIMMY is more a puppy and less the bigdog that he thinks he is, I think his voice should sound more like this:


-Agent Spanky

Bill Gates and Microsoft Bid 44.6 Billion for Yahoo – C.R.E.A.M.

Bill Gates Yahoo CREAM

I have been preaching and preaching about Microsoft stock and the future of this company.  THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.  Get on it.

Yes I realize that it seems already like a no-brainer and maybe not that prophetic because Bill Gates has already gotten Microsoft to such a high level of success.  It may even sound like telling people to put money on the Bulls back in Michael Jordan’s day.

That being said, today’s news of Microsoft bidding 44.6 Billion dollars to purchase Yahoo is certainly attention worthy.  Add that to the domination of the personal computer market over seems like they are doing better than they are Apple, the domination in the video game console war with the XBox 360, the ungodly numbers Halo 3 put up at launch, the improvement of the Zune portable media player, and most of all the wide reaching – cross-platform Live service that is bringing everything together.

Microsoft is working on making our lives as simple and connected as possible.  I will give more on this later, but I assure you the news today is huge…Yahoo wasn’t even put up for sale and today Yahoo’s stock went up 45%.  Wouldn’t you have loved that tip yesterday – or is that another MJ and the Bulls situation?

ps.  Check out Wu-Tang Clan’s “Cash Rules Everything Around Me” or “C.R.E.A.M. and you will see why Bill Gates is a baller (even after stepping down).

Pumpkin Played Halo 3 Like a Noob

Grown Pumpkin Noob at Halo 3 Today

There is not much more to say then that.  Spanky and I have been a bit off on our doubles at Halo 3 lately and tonight was pretty bad for the lil’ guy.  So as apology to Spanks, I threw myself under the bus and made a janky photshop montage of me as being a noob… nothing says that more than a busted up pumpkin, a bad quiz, a loaded up Master Chief, colorful confetti, and a sashaying Groucho Marx.

Grown Pumpkin is sorry Spanky and will brush up tomorrow to resuming pwning “real” noobs.  El Oh El

Homosexuality and video games

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The internet has changed the way we interact, and its provides new opportunities for anthropologists, psychologists, etc. We feel our gamertags give us the anonymity we need to express what we really think. (I just cuss at assfaces as much as I ordinarily do, I think.) I think that xxx Gayboy xxx has uncovered some significant facts about our society–digital or otherwise….

There is one problem with some of the comments that are included in Gayboy’s video. Some of the guys in the lobby merely say “gayboy” in the teasing, sing-song way that kids do. Now, this has happened to nearly everyone, especially if he’s been recently housed. “Puuumpkin…. puuuuuuumpkin…..” So, Gayboy isn’t going to get any sympathy from me on that score.

However, the statements that some of the fuckers on there make–that Gayboy should burn in Hell, should get hanged–are completely unacceptable….

Spanky’s playa hate of the day: 1/24/2008

This week’s hate goes out to SS Wraith and MACHINE 666, two humongous dildos who got housed by ryguy0384 and myself.


After the game, MACHINE 666 took it upon himself to call us “FAGGOTS” emphatically. Apparently he was not happy with the fact that they had received a red-assed beat-down.

I then sent his little buddy a message that said something to the effect, “I didn’t know you could tell someone was a homosexual because they beat your asses in Halo.”

SS Wraith replied with both of these classic nuggets:



Spanky: “u cry too much”

SS Wraith: “LOL whatever loser.”

Spanky: “u r the ones who lost bitch”

SS Wraith: “no shit bitch I’m not the one who was bitching about it. It was the other one…”


Spanky’s commentary:

His delivery on the “jackass” is awesome. (1) Notice the use of “faggot” once again–a nearly ubiquitous theme in Halo whiners and haters. Why is that? (2) I think Wraith sounds a little nasal, which may indicate that he only likes girls that roll 12-sided dice and think of themselves as some kind of “sexy sorceress”. (3) In the second voice mail, he once again refers to some sort of homosexual act. What a snoozer. (4) I like the fact that he sells himself out the end and hoes out his buddy.

Well, anyway, there you have it. That’s the kind of bullshit that goes on in the little dorky world of Halo. I’m not saying I’m not a part of it… I’m just sayin’….

-MC Spanks

Spanky’s rules of teabag engagement for Halo 3 (A short treatise on teabagging)

Friends and fellow douchebags,

The teabag is often abused on Halo 3. Variants on the teabag include, but are not limited to:

  • meleeing
  • slicing with the energy sword
  • kicking
  • grenading, sticking

the dead body of your opponent.

There are some basic rules to follow in Halo 3 or other first-person shooters with multiplayer.

In general, thou shall not teabag the enemy

  1. within the first half of the play clock
  2. within the first 10 points of the game (in team slayer, e.g.)
  3. when the game is tied
  4. you are winning by 4 points or fewer
  5. when a losing opponent is likely to blast a rocket off your helmet while you are performing said teabag and to swing the momentum

The first three rules are uncontroversial, for the simple reason that it is simply too early in the game to get cocky and disrespect your opponent. Your cockiness may be your undoing.

The fourth is less evident. However, for the reason that your opponent might stage a massive comeback and kick your prematurely-teabagging ass. Pumpkin and I have made such comebacks, and the fools that teabagged us when they were up by a few had jackshit to say afterwards. They took their post-game verbal lashings and ducked out. Don’t teabag if you can’t back it up.

The fifth rule is clear and distinct.

Now, my friends, I have broken these rules myself, but it doesn’t follow that I haven’t given good advice here. I, too, have taken out my frustrations on a winning opponent via the ol’ boop!-boop!-dip!-dip!

“Great kid! Don’t get cocky.”

Have fun droppin’ the bag…


PS. The Trumpet gives a shout-out to ryguy0385, unbornredeyes, sich freuen and Spankeedog.

Spanky’s Halo 3 playa hate of the day 1/18/2008

Today’s busters are JamaicanKillah and W1CK3D SN1P3Rv.

Pumpkin and I ran into these clowns on 1/17/2008. Yes, we lost to these turds, and they talked shit to us after the game, with W1CK3D SN1P3Rv shattering our eardrums with a prepubescent voice that sounded awfully close to the pitch of a dogwhistle. I’m sure his stepmom’s bastard corgi hates him. Pumpkin asked W1CK3D SN1P3Rv, “What are you–12?” His comeback was, “No, I’m 13.”

Look, bro, spend some time working on your cracks. That shit is weak tea. At least say, “Scoreboard” or something like that.
We ran into them again today, and we lost to them by four. I asked W1CK3D SN1P3Rv if he’s still twelve. He replied, “Why don’t you guys get some girls?”

W1CK3D SN1P3Rv, it feels like warm apple pie. Warm apple pie.

My retort: “Get some pubes.” I’m sure you’ll discover your stepmom’s Victoria’s Secret catalogue soon enough. Gotta crawl before you…

I hate losing to little mark-ass bustas, but hearing how diluted their insults were made my day.


PS. I really hate gamers with “sniper” embedded in their gamertags. How fucking stupid! “Silent sniper12.” “Deadly sniper17.” “Douchesniper69.” Grab the rockets and blast these unimaginative wannabe-teabaggers off the board….

“Halo 3 teabag montage”: my critique

Ok, I have mixed feelings about this one:

[youtube width="425" height="355"][/youtube]

1. “Master of Puppets” is a nice touch, but it is a bit played out. We saw “Old School,” too, and it was funny in there. Now you’re just recycling.

2. The teabags are out of context. Yeah, you worked over some dudes in your video, but we need more evidence. You’re not a douche that teabags when you’re up by 2 kills, are ya? Are you playing your little brother?

3. 4:25 is too much to dedicate to this little habit of yours. WRAP IT UP, SON!

4. You throw in “Sad But True”? Come on, man. I’m half surprised you didn’t throw in some Drowning Pool. That wouldn’t be too obvious or anything.

5. Aleczz, are you really Lars?

Now this is decent:

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XBOX 360 loose microphone problem–solved!

So, you play tons of XBOX 360, and now your microphone no longer stays attached to your controller. It gets loose and falls out in the middle of a game. This can be very frustrating, especially if you need to tell Grown Pumpkin that he is about to get hit with rockets in the Pit.

There is a very simple solution to this problem. Take some rubber cement, and did your finger into it (assuming that the cement is nontoxic and you will not get you a rash on your little buddy when you touch it.) Put a light coat of cement on the part that attaches to your controller, but do not put any on the metal part that conducts the audio signal to the microphone. (This should be obvious, and if you do not understand this, Bro Taguchi will hit you with a tack hammer.) The rubber cement should provide the grip and friction needed to keep the mic attached to the controller. However, you should be able to remove the mic still–bonus.

The rubber cement is relatively cheap, and you can reapply as needed. I did this to my controller, and it has made a huge difference for me. Although it still can’t save me from that damned Needler.

Hope this helps. This way you can keep talking shit to Pumpkin and me when we house you in Halo 3.

MC Spanky McGee

PS. While you’re here, check out my critique of the Halo 3 teabag montage.