Spanky’s metal review: Black Tide

Listen to the three goddamned songs at this website.

http://www.myspace.com/blacktide

Apparently these dude are fifteen, and they’re from Miami, and they already have a record deal from Interscope.

Whoopdiefreakindoo.

Maybe I’m old. Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe I’m jealous. But maaaaaaybe I have some metal-wisdom.

Listen up, fuckers. Black Tide is nothing new. At all. They are Metallica (the Master-of-Puppets version), Slayer, a dash of Dave Mustaine, and Skid Row all rolled up into one.

Frankly, I think that Snake (of Skid Row) should kick some of their asses for ripping off his shit.

I don’t really have much to say, other than that this band is merely a record label’s cheap gimmick. All the guitar shit, all the drum shit, and all the lyrics, such as “Warriors of time,” are all 80s throwbacks.

Hell yes, I said it. 1. Those BOYS ain’t gonna read this review 2. They ain’t gonna care, even if they did.

I could listen to some little punks recreate some shit to which I listened while growing up. I’d rather just get out my old shit, hear the real deal, and rock out to Tommy Lee dropping fat syncopated swishes on “Dr. Feelgood.”

-MC Spanky McGee………. over and out

Michael Angelo Batio rocks the double guitar

I can’t remember whether I’ve posted this before to the Trumpet–but guess what? I don’t give a shit whether I did.

This video will change your fucking life.

Do you feel down in the dumps? Is your job getting you down? Are you behind on your credit card payments?

Fuck all that.

I give you Michael Angelo Batio:

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zG4_V9UH7JM[/youtube]

There are several clutch moments in this video:

1. At 1:20, there is a close-up of M.A.’s junk, (his onion bag, if you will), and the camera backs out to reveal the double-necked-guitar wizard in his Power-dookie Stance (kinda like the one Ari Mihalopoulos, from the band Douchetrophy Destrophy, uses). At this point, you know that the Be-mulleted one is about to kick some ass, which is evident at

2. 1:37 into the video, where, after alternating Power-Slaps, Ghetto Mick Mars (the real one is in Motley Crue, duh) shoots you a look like you KNOW Satan is about to blow his fiery-devil-wad as a result of the impending Double-Metal-Flurry down the dual fretboards.

3. Then there is the Arm-Crossed-Fingering of Doom

4. Around 2:20 there is the Inverted-Upside-Down-Cross-of-Satan’s-Incarnate-Manpaint.

Hardfuckingcore.

Awesome.

M.A.B. combines stylefulness with form, thunderition with articulationousness, content with feeling, grace with smoothnicity, charm with seriousishness, and rawnessnicity with imperialism and disestablishmentarianism.

Michael Angelo Batio: a true musician and a gentleman.

-MC Spanky McGee