Appalled by Matt Roth’s recent behavior

I am a Hawkeye football fan, and I’m here to to tell you that I thought that Matt Roth was a

Matt Roth cub scout

but instead, I come to find out that he’s

Lord of Darkness


The Daily Iowan reports:

A former Hawkeye now with the Miami Dolphins was arrested Feb. 1 after an incident at Union Bar, Iowa City police Sgt. Troy Kelsay said. Matt Roth, 25, Oakbrook, Ill., was charged with public intoxication. As of Monday, Roth was not being held at Johnson County Jail. Police responded to Union Bar, 121 E. College St., at 11:39 p.m. on Feb. 1 after an employee reported that Roth was in the bar, refusing to leave, after being kicked out earlier that night, Kelsay said. Officers reported that Roth had bloodshot, watery eyes, moved slowly and deliberately, and had slurred speech and a strong odor of alcohol on his person and breath.”

Shame on you, Matt Roth. SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!

-MC Spanky McGee

I’m just kidding. I’m a huge fan. Please don’t powerbomb me and use me as a toothpick. Can’t a man return to Iowa City to enjoy some beverages?

Soupy Text

So last night I was out, and I heard that the Mets were whompin’ up on the Cardinals. Knowing that Bro Taguchi was not thrilled by this, I sent him a text message:

SPANKY: Well little buddy hang in there

TAGUCHI: Fuck you. Shouldn’t you be crying about dropped passes and bad calls by the refs? My team is just fine. Don’t Fuckin little fella me you Goddam hawks fan.

Just lie to me.


Pleeeeeeeeease Iowa wide receivers, tell me anything. Just make up some shit. Give me any story you want, but don’t tell me that you don’t know how to catch the fucking ball.

Tell me that the KY-lube Fairy flies into your room before game day and lathers up your paws with the slicky-icky. Tell me that you and Grown Pumpkin just hit Popeye’s Chicken and that the two of you just polished off three buckets of chicken breasts. Tell me that you just changed the oil on your Playskool Hawkeye scooter. (Don’t even play it off. I see y’all rollin’ around on ‘em downtown all the time).

Tell me anything but that one thing.

On the other hand, Drew Tate played pretty well today. He overthrew a few–true. But, the wide receivers have got to get it done. The goddamned Hoosiers are going to have a giant orgy in their little red sweaters because we can’t catch. Wonderful. Good thing we Hawkeyes can still go to Brother’s and grind up on some nineteen year-old to a little C+C Music Factory. BANH… BANHBANHBANH BANH BANHBANHBANH. Ahhh, I feel better already. FUCK!!!

The Giant Chub


Well, I think the Hawkeye fans are very tired and mildly embarrassed. We fluffed as hard as we could, and the “Giant Chub” (as Bro Taguchi calls it the essence of Hawkeye football spirit) rose into the sky, only to deflate fast when we got busted by Ohio State stroking it to the lingerie section of the Sears Catalog. Of course, we’re only mildly embarrassed because OSU is #1 and they sure as hell played like it (although some Hawks fans didn’t grasp this. Some girls behind my crew and me were whining, “Our defense sucks! Why can’t they stop Antonio Pittman?” We tried, “Because he’s mothafuckin’ Antonio Pittman, and he’s a badass,” but they didn’t understand. I won’t make a gender issue out of this, because I’m sure there were plenty of freshmen males pulling the same shit.) Downtown Iowa City last Saturday was populated by sad souls trying to make it all go away.

Well, Purdue is at Kinnick tomorrow. I imagine that once we lock the door and pull out the vaseline, the Chub will rise. But for tonight, I get the feeling that we’re a little scared to touch it. The Sears Catalog is hidden under the bottom drawer of the desk.
Pumpkin will feel very smug as he reads this. But upsets do happen in college football, and Pumpkin knows this (or chooses to ignore it). I think most Hawkeye fans knew what was on their doorstep, but we were having too much fun with the lingerie section. We kept fluffing.
I can hear the marching band practicing still at 7:03. They’re unzipping the pants right now….



I saw Andy Brodell of the Iowa Hawkeyes in Wendy’s today. He must be getting fired up for what is going to be one of the craziest weekends that Iowa City has ever seen. I don’t know what he ordered, but I had Spicy Chicken with onions, which was actually solidly mediocre.
I was tempted multiple times to drop some BRO action on that dude. Ya know, maybe a “Kick some ass this weekend, BRO,” or maybe even a generic “What’s up, BRO?” like I didn’t know who he was and what is going down this weekend. Maybe “How’s the junior Frosty, BRO?” What about “Don’t drop the game-winning pass, BRO“? He might have given me a pile-driver for that. Alas, I restrained myself, and Brodell made it out of there without some douchebag Hawkeyes fan getting up in his business.

In other news, one of my friends caught Drew Tate getting it done at Steak N Shake. Both of these Hawkeyes are to be commended on their choice of fine dining.

I just heard from Taguchi that the spread of the Iowa/OSU game is 7 points. That’s pretty crazy. I thought that people would’ve predicted a blowout win for OSU. But–this is going down in Kinnick. I don’t care what mofos say; winning against the Hawks in Kinnick ain’t easy. Look–don’t get me wrong. I’m not getting high hopes. But if the Hawkeyes win Saturday, IC is going to be absolutely out of control.

Shit, I don’t know if half the students are going to make it to the game. They will either be face-down somewhere after pounding some Hawkeye vodka or they will be in jail.

I’m just callin’ it like it is, BRO.

Responding to the Bat Signal…

I’m going to STL for games on Friday night and Saturday afternoon. I won’t allow the ship to sink…just won’t have it. I might even buy a Juan Encarnacion jersey as a measure of last resort.
I’ll be back in IC by Saturday night, so if they’re partying like it’s 1999 (which they’ve been doing for 7 years), I’ll be in attendance. I was gonna try to get a ticket to the Iowa-OSU game, but I must heed a higher call. OSU’s gonna house ‘em anyway.