Welcome to the Catholic church, may I take your order?

Skip church; confess on ivescrewedup.com

Already a repository for too much information from bloggers divulging their every intimate thought, the Web recently extended its reach into territory the church once dominated.

Tens of thousands of the guilty among us are visiting confessional booths at ivescrewedup.com, mysecret.tv and dailyconfessions.com and unburdening themselves anonymously.

Ha! This makes all the sense in the world. Cheap, easy, online religion. Spanky likes it. Disposable Jesus, right in your bookmarks folder, next to the ol’ Bang Bros. links. Some Catholics are becoming faceless, opting to break out the mouse instead of driving to chizurch.

What about quality control of Confession 2.0? I couldn’t detect any QC from CNN’s story.

Among the Web site managers CNN spoke with, none has professional counselors monitoring confessions.

LifeChurch members monitor messages, deleting those that are, in their view, too graphic or fabricated. Like ivescrewedup.com, which is also run by a large church, IP addresses are not tracked. If someone posts a confession of a criminal nature — someone who says they enjoy child porn or they’ve committed murder — there’s not much the site managers can do about it.

No professional counselors? Just “site managers”? Bullshit. What do these confessors think they’re really doing? Man, just open Microsoft Word, write some shit down, click the red X in the upper-left corner, and then click “Don’t save.” Ya might as well. It’s not like you’re getting any true wisdom in exchange for your catharsis.

Oh, but wait. I know where there is some QC. Somebody still wants their cut:

But the Web does not offer a road to “true absolution,” said Father Ricardo Bailey of Holy Spirit of Atlanta, Georgia.

“I’m not in a drive-thru business,” he said. “Confessing means you’re taking accountability for the things we’ve done wrong, that you understand the impact you’ve had on other people.”

Oh, yes. Don’t be fooled by our competitors’ cheap knockoffs. We have the best baby Jesus around. “You get what you pay for.” The Church is going to fight to keep you tithing, to keep you guilty, to keep you coming back for more.

It shouldn’t be surprising to us that we are moving our spiritual lives online. We’ve already moved so many aspects of our lives on there. For religion, however, this move could be the fatal blow. As the spiritually needy gain access to new ideologies and philosophies on the Internet, their ties to their childhood religions will probably loosen, and they will become more, hmmm, cosmopolitan.

-MC Spanky McGee