Afghans want death for Danish and for Dutch. Spanky’s solution to the problem.

Afghans chant death to Danish, Dutch in protest

Some 5,000 Afghans chanted “death to Denmark” and “death to the Netherlands” in Kabul on Friday, protesting against the reprinting of a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammad in Danish newspapers and a Dutch film on the Koran.

Same old shit from these extremists.

Here’s an idea that maybe will earn ol’ Spanks here a death sentence of his own. Heh.

You know how you sometimes have a pet or a toddler that has too much energy? As any parent or pet-owner knows, the best solution is to let them run around like crazy until they’re just too tired to raise hell for you.

So, I think as many people as possible should draw up these cartoons. This will be awesome. The religious fanatics will have to spend all their time chanting death to all the countries and people, and they’ll be so busy doing that, that they won’t have time for anything else. Including growing poppies. That will really fuck ‘em over–it’ll stop their heroin trade. They’ll be all tuckered out.

death to everyone 2

I mean, how many flags will they be able to burn? They’ll run out pretty fast.

So, everybody, get out your pencils and paper and start drawing.

Aren’t I creative?

-MC Spanky McGee

Homerun King Barry Bonds Unemployed – Possibly Blackballed by MLB?

Barry Bonds Homerun King Blackballed

It is two weeks until the 2008 MLB baseball season begins and arguably the best baseball player ever, Barry Bonds, still does not have a job.  The MLBPA (Major League Baseball Players Association) will be looking into this peculiar situation as a part of its annual free agency review according to Donald Fehr the head of the union.  Is there really any chance that the Home Run King has been blackballed by commissioner Bud Selig and the MLB owners?

Of course Barry Bonds has had his name thrown about for his alleged grand jury perjury and alleged use of steroids (“the clear” and “the cream” possibly given to him by his trainer and friend Greg Anderson) in the Balco and MLB investigations.  He is also considered a jerk to the media at times (maybe that is why they make things up about him) and a prima donna.  Barry broke Hank Aaron’s all time home run record last year too, so the chase is over for that one as well.  He is 43 years old and carries a high price tag too.  All of these factors should discourage some teams, but not all.

Are those factors really enough to warrant very little public interest in him from the 32 MLB baseball franchises?  We have heard about Tony La Russa and the Cardinals and then the Tampa Bay Rays discussing adding Bonds internally, but not much else from the other franchises.

Barry Bonds has done more than enough to deserve a roster spot in big leagues.  His career numbers are superior to almost all players ever to play the game.  He played with speed, had amazing defense, became the greatest power hitter ever, and had the most patience at the plate of anyone before him as he has drawn record numbers of walks, intentional or otherwise.  Just last year he lead the entire league in walks and had 28 home runs in 132 games while hitting .276.  He had a better season than many outfielders gainfully employed.

He could fit a team like the St. Louis Cardinals that need a big bat to protect their slugger Albert Pujols and can platoon with the young outfielders asked to play everyday.  He could fit a team like the Tampa Bay Rays that need to sell tickets and improve as a franchise.  Barry will pass 3,000 hits and 2,000 RBI milestones this season.  He could fit a team like the Oakland Athletics that are already familiar with him from his days across the bay in San Francisco and could use a designated hitter.  Another fit would be the powerhouse teams like the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees that could bolster the middle of their lineups with a deadly left-handed bat.

I would love to wake up tomorrow and hear that Barry Bonds has signed with the Atlanta Braves, but I am not counting on it (and praying he does not land on the Mets or Phillies rosters).  In the next two weeks though, if we do not hear that he has been signed, you better believe this “blackball” story will escalate.

McCartney’s ex-wife gets close to 50 million dollars? Whaaaat?

Heather Mills Money Poster Held By Paul McCartney Photoshop
Heather Mills, the estranged wife of Paul McCartney, was granted nearly 25 million pounds ($50 million) in her divorce proceedings with the former Beatle, she said Monday.

Heather Mills, the estranged wife of Paul McCartney, was granted nearly 25 million pounds ($50 million) in her divorce proceedings with the former Beatle, she said Monday.

Judge Hugh Bennett awarded Mills, who represented herself, 23.7 million pounds ($47.4 million). She said McCartney had proposed 15.8 million pounds ($31.6 million).

Sure–she represented herself. That’s pretty sweet. I’ll give her that. But how exactly do you deserve $50 mil from Paul?

Sure, she’s been a model, done some porn, done some charity work, argued that people should become vegans. Wikipedia on Mills Some of that stuff is kinda commendable, I suppose. (Especially the porn.) Why in the hell does she deserve that much?

Damn, Paul, it’s called a pre-nup. You snooze, you lose.

-MC Spanky McGee

Barack Obama is Overqualified and Hillary Clinton is Unequipped

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton Charts

With all the crazy talk racism by Geraldine Ferraro of Barack Obama’s success coming from him being black and then defending her claim rather than taking it back, we took it upon ourselves to investigate by clicking on one link the element of gender to fire back at Hillary Clinton and her crew.

It did not take long to prove that Hillary Clinton is not the “right man for the job”, or even a man at all. There has been a commonality of ALL, not some, but all presidents before. That commonality is they have all had a penis. It has also been shown that testicles produce leadership. Eyewitnesses have gone on record saying that the Illinois Senator is more than qualified. This of course by simple logic eliminates Hillary Clinton (Clintones Ringtones or not)from even really being seriously considered.

So since Ferraro refuses to back off her zany statement, we simply wanted to Trump her and back it up with fact. We have a video from FunnyOrDie.com that corroborates builds our entire basis for our claim that Hillary Clinton is not equipped for the job and Barack Obama is the Total Package. It has to be factual because it was on the internet and included charts which in turn builds a case that Johnny Cochran could not even break down, glove or not. The photoshop job should also serve as exhibit B. if you still need more proof beyond the self-explanatory video.

Geraldine Ferraro had it half way right; Barack Obama IS lucky, not for just being black like she suggests, but lucky instead for being a black MAN.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www2.funnyordie.com/public/flash/fodplayer.swf?1203120643" height="388" width="464" allowfullscreen="true" quality="high" classid="clsid:d27cdb6e-ae6d-11cf-96b8-444553540000" fvars="key = 1a4546c7bb" /]


*because we do not hate Hillary Clinton, do not find her unqualified because of her gender, and do not support any REAL thoughts that endorse either of those ideas, we felt it was important to point out we are 100% kidding with this post

Spitzer resigns as Governor of New York

Eliot Spitzer Noose
‘Deeply sorry’ Spitzer resigns

“I am deeply sorry that I did not live up to what was expected of me,” he said in a brief news conference announcing his intention to resign, effective Monday. “I will try once again outside of politics to serve the common good.”

He added, “Our greatest glory consists not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.”

Eliot, ya messed up. But you’ve done some top-notch work. Hang on to that.

Now, stop being a douchebag, and get your life back on track.

I’ll try to do that, too.

-MC Spanky McGee

Barack Obama is Lucky to be Black According to Geraldine Ferarro – WTF?

Geraldine Ferraro Says Obama is Lucky to be Black
Twenty four years ago Geraldine Ferarro was the first woman to be on a major presidential ticket. She was the Vice President on the Walter Mondale ticket that lost in a landslide to Ronald Reagan. Fast forward to 2008 and Hillary Clinton is trying to become the first woman president of the United States of America and is currently embattled in a very close Democratic nomination race with Illinois Senator Barack Obama. Tonight the race goes to the Mississippi voters.

Ferarro has been attached to the Clintons since Hillary’s husband Bill’s administration appointed her to the position of ambassador to the United Nations Committee on Human Rights. She has been a strong ally of Mrs. Clinton and has served her campaign as a surrogate speaker, fund raiser, financial committee member, and even worked the phone banks. In addition to her work with the Clintons, Ferraro has worn many hats from hosting the television show “Crossfire” to being a U.S. Congresswoman, and even holding the position of senior managing director of the Global Consulting Group corporate public relations firm.

Sadly as accomplished as this woman has been and as dedicated to Hillary Clinton she has shown to be, her recent words may be the final stamp on her legacy. Like the sex scandal involved New York Governor Eliot Spitzer aka Client 9 or the “run for cover” quitting Admiral William Fallon, an entire career of public and or country service will be tarnished this week. Ferarro gave an interview to the Daily Breeze to preview her then upcoming speaking engagement at the Armstrong Theatre of the Torrance Cultural Arts Center Theatre in Torrance. In this phone interview with staff writer Jim Farber, Ferarro talked about the expected issues that challenge Hillary Clinton’s campaign. Issues like the media being soft on Barack Obama and of course gender.

“I think what America feels about a woman becoming president takes a very secondary place to Obama’s campaign – to a kind of campaign that it would be hard for anyone to run against,” she said. “For one thing, you have the press, which has been uniquely hard on her. It’s been a very sexist media. Some just don’t like her. The others have gotten caught up in the Obama campaign.”

Perhaps she should have taken pointers from the California community that regulates certain types of language rather than from gays > terrorists Sally Kern (who also fits the tarnished career description above) before she delivered her inferences that Barack Obama was having success based on the fact that he was black.

“If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position,” she continued. “And if he was a woman (of any color) he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept.

Obama finds Ferraro’s comments “absurd” and “divisive”.

This nomination process has seen record levels of media coverage and many people involved with the campaigns just running their mouths and being removed from their involvement. It is hard to decipher what is “authorized” by the candidates and what will be denied and denounced once it has been said. The final chapter of this foot-in-mouth story has likely not been written.

Additional Sources:


Eliot Spitzer Emperor Club VIP Details Emerge

Emperor Club VIP Photoshop

News that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has been involved in a sex scandal broke yesterday. The Emperor Club VIP prostitution ring has been busted and Spitzer was forced into a public apology. Very few details were available then. So in the mean time we took it upon ourselves here at Soupy Trumpet to photoshop images and discuss the story in different ways. From the philosophical perspective in “why do smart people do dumb things” to the primal view in “failing the sex test“, The Trumpet Crew has piled on the former Time Life Magazine Crusader of the Year as we waited for the juicy details.

CNN has found out more about “Client 9″ and the wiretaps that have tied him to a prostitute named “Kristen” on Valentine’s Day in February at the Washington Hotel (Room 871) for two and a half hours. $2,712.41 is what he was billed to pay which included travel, the fee, hotel incidentals, and her time. Spitzer ended up spending $4,300 that day as he wanted to have a credit with the hooker.

Even after pouring through the official pages at The Smoking Gun, there are still plenty of sketchy parts of this story like “Kristen” being warned that Spitzer”might ask you to do things that, like, you might not think are safe”. I cannot even imagine what that might mean. There also is no mention of how often Spitzer met with the girls of the Emperor Club VIP operation or how much he had accumulated in expenses. More will likely come out from the sting that started back in October of 2007 and since had accumulated 6,000 emails, 5,000 phone and text messages, and numerous documents like bank transfers and travel records.

There has also been no official update on the status of Spitzer’s job which clearly has to be in jeopardy. All of his friends are shocked by this and some politicians have called for his resignation “to allow the people of New York to pursue honest leadership”.

We will keep you updated as the story unfolds. We may also update the Emperor Club photoshop above if we missed anybody or more public figures emerge in this international case.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer kicks it with Emperors Club VIP prostitutes

Eliot Spitzer Prostitution Ring

Spanky says:

The New York Times reports that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has been involved in a prostitution ring.

Looks like the politicians sure are going bonkers in the last few days, with Sally Kern telling us that gays are worse than terrorists.

Look, now is not the time to dismiss all politicians out of hand–although I get tempted myself. Don’t think, “They’re all scumbags,” on the basis of a few cases. Some assholes are worse than others. Fact. So, you should vote for the person that will be the smallest asshole!!!

Back to Spitzer, he claims during his public statement today that politics is not about individuals but is about ideas.

Ok, Eliot. Maybe in an ideal world. But the public won’t accept that distinction. You’re gonna get a ton of pressure to walk, bro.

Grown Pumpkin‘s Analysis:
Does having your wife stand by you make it seem like you’re OK in spite of all of your misdoing? Looking at her face, I would say no. In fact I think parading her up there does her a disservice and may make you come off as even more of an insincere douche. You were named the “Crusader of the Year” by Time Magazine and even “Eliot Ness” for sorting out corrupt “establishment” members. Now you are yet another corrupt politician, worthy of lampooning and photoshopping (like you as Don Magic Juan above). You are no longer the crusader. You are going to lose your job over this. Your reputation is gone. Your apology for your “private matter” seems so fake and hollow.

The best / worst part of all of this is that all the details have yet to emerge (update: details are emerging). We know he has been referred to as “Client 9″ in the Emperors Club VIP bust that has linked high rollers to prostitutes around the world using wiretaps. It appears he was a client, and maybe he was just there to talk… or we will be treated to raunchy details of yet another hypocritical politician’s extramarital sex life. Hopefully his family and friends and the millions he is responsible for will be able to move on without too much harm. People make mistakes, but hiding it under public trust and ultimately showing no true remorse multiplies and magnifies your offense. Sir, if you were a regular guy, nobody would care… but you promised New York voters you were different and Time Magazine took the bait.

I hope you weren’t buying the 7 Diamond girls that cost $5,500 each hour… and I hope that money was yours and not the government’s… and I hope that they are women hookers for your sake or Sally Kern may breathe hot fire down on you. Hopefully there are no photos or video of you in some crazy oufit doing crazy things… this thing could get way worse.

I admittedly knew very little of you until today, and while my photoshop is inaccurate (you were a John and not Mr. Whitefolks), it will be in my head from here out. Others will have similar thoughts of the former crusader of the year.

Bro Taguchi’s analysis:

Being the Gooch, I gotta jump in here. That photoshop is one of the $$$-est things I’ve ever seen…

I see two issues here. First and foremost, this isn’t really a “corrupt politician” story, it’s a hypocrisy story. Spitzer was a real cowboy as the Attorney General of New York, but now he’ll be seen as just another power-monger who decided to bust others for disobeying corporate trading laws while ignoring other laws by runnin up in hoes in the clubby-club. Some people can get away with such selective obedience/enforcement…state governors cannot.

Spitzer was one of my favorite guys for a long time, and to some degree I still respect him. Let’s face it…this is another “beej in the White House” type of story. This leads to the 2nd issue…is a guy is a scorn-worthy scumbag because he got loved up by a prostitute? The unequivocal answer to that in today’s political environment is “yes,” but I’d take Spitzer any day of the week over former Illinois Governor George Ryan (who used his office to get very wealthy rather than to get laid). I don’t think Spitzer fleeced Time magazine…he just took liberties with other parts of his life. He truly was the Crusader of the Year (who dipped on the side)…not unlike MLK or JFK. History has been much more forgiving to these men, and their political legacies remain in tact. Hell, one of ‘em even gets a national holiday. In spite of all this massaging, I should point out that now is, in fact, resignation time.

Issue 2.5: If people want to differentiate between having sex with “not-my-wife” for money or for free (as it pertains to Spitzer’s character), that’s their issue…or perhaps the government’s issue. S’all the same to me.

George Bush’s Hero Steals iPod, Xbox 360, and Some Air Guns

In late 2007 Lewis Bennett was the teenager in Plymouth Township, PA. that thwarted a planned Columbine-style shooting by informing on a husky student, Dillon Cossey, that had stockpiled weapons (with the help of his husky mother Michelle Cossey) for the assault on school bullies. For this heroic act, President George W. Bush called Lewis Bennett a “hero” and even “praised his courage”. Allegedly George Bush asked for Halo 3 cheat codes when they met and thanked him for the “pwnage”.

Fast forward to early 2008, just a few months later and then “Hero” Lewis Bennett has now been busted for joining other teens in a robbery. Bennett and others went through the unsecured window of another student and ripped off an Xbox 360, an iPod, and some air guns. Bennett got caught when he sold one of those $50 Xbox 360 controllers for a measly $20 at school and then tried to peddle his other goods like a pawn shop. Attorneys are chalking this up as fame and attention causing him to lash out. At least they aren’t saying he was “under the influence of Grand Theft Auto“.

George Bush pins medal on Fugitive
* Note: This is not Lewis Bennett, this is a photoshop of President George W. Bush pinning a medal on The Fugitive played by Harrison Ford. This is intended to imply George Bush is honoring a criminal. This is meant to be funny.