Spanky’s metal review: Black Tide

Listen to the three goddamned songs at this website.

Apparently these dude are fifteen, and they’re from Miami, and they already have a record deal from Interscope.


Maybe I’m old. Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe I’m jealous. But maaaaaaybe I have some metal-wisdom.

Listen up, fuckers. Black Tide is nothing new. At all. They are Metallica (the Master-of-Puppets version), Slayer, a dash of Dave Mustaine, and Skid Row all rolled up into one.

Frankly, I think that Snake (of Skid Row) should kick some of their asses for ripping off his shit.

I don’t really have much to say, other than that this band is merely a record label’s cheap gimmick. All the guitar shit, all the drum shit, and all the lyrics, such as “Warriors of time,” are all 80s throwbacks.

Hell yes, I said it. 1. Those BOYS ain’t gonna read this review 2. They ain’t gonna care, even if they did.

I could listen to some little punks recreate some shit to which I listened while growing up. I’d rather just get out my old shit, hear the real deal, and rock out to Tommy Lee dropping fat syncopated swishes on “Dr. Feelgood.”

-MC Spanky McGee………. over and out

Jalino’s Pizza (Boulder, CO)

I don’t know how to go about plugging food that most Trumpet readers don’t have access to…but Jalino’s is easily the best pizza I’ve ever eaten. I don’t know what else to say about this place. SOOOOO $$$$$$$. I was riding around Boulder with 4 people who were: (1) probably sick of hearing me talk about pizza and (2) not as excited as I was to pick one up. Then they ate it…all were amazed. These pizza-makers are ambitious enough to put out a special Thanksgiving pizza with turkey, veggies, carmelized onions and other goodies. Apparently, people drive for hours to get their hands on those in November. Pizza gourmets. I could go on, but you gotta do this yo-self.

Long story short…if you’re ever in Boulder, look up Jalino’s. Tell ‘em the Gooch gives a shout.

PS–don’t order a large for yourself…it will take 3 days to eat it.

Spanky’s review of Burger King Firecracker Tendercrisp

Check out: The header is “This is a blog created for the purpose of reviewing chicken sandwiches.”


Now, I’m late to the ballgame on reviewing the BK Firecracker Tendercrisp. I will tell you up front that the gold standard in my book is Wendy’s #6, although recent chatter gathered by Soupy Intelligence has pointed to Bro Taguchi’s launching an upcoming assault on this standard. I, for one, am not fazed.

I would argue that the Firecracker Tendercrisp is partly inferior because its spiciness comes from its sauce, while the spiciness of the #6 is “in” the breading of the chicken patty. The result is that the FT’s spice might not be uniform. The sauce is fairly spicy, however, and you shouldn’t be disappointed. The FT does have lettuce and tomato, which are standard gear on the #6.

I would say that the FT is very good, but I’m not sure that it’s going to consistently lure me away from a Whopper. It is a contender.

Burger King Firecracker Tendercrisp

I can tell you, however, that the #6 itself has been sitting the bench a lot lately, as I have opted for a straight-up Plain Jane #1 with cheese.

-MC Spanky McGee

Spanky’s review of Taco Bell’s Fiesta Platter and Wendy’s premium fish sandwich

1. This last weekend I had Taco Bell’s Fiesta Platter. I had the grilled steak stuft burrito version. The burrito is pretty solid–it’s big enough to get you feeling warm and round. The most surprising positive aspect of this platter is the salsa, which is chunky. I didn’t know Taco Bell could get chunky, since most of their sauces are runny. The only problem was that they didn’t give me enough of it. I don’t like naked tortilla chips. I guess I could have asked the manager for more salsa.

The rice is fairly standard. The beans are topped off with that weird Taco Bell sauce that they put on the enchirito (one of my favorite under-the-radar items at ol’ TB).

Beyond that, the Fiesta Platter is just a new arrangement of old materials. But I’m on to you, Taco Bell. I know that it is the Platter’s big black tray that really hypnotizes us: “WHOA! This platter is flippin’ HUUUUUGE, Kip!” After you are done with your meal, you will marvel at the size of this pontoon boat that held your sloppy ploppy mix.

Overall verdict: you’re better off mixing and matching like you normally do at Taco Bell.

(Below, Master Chief wishes he could fight in a sea of hot sauce in the Fiesta PT boat)

taco bell fiesta platter master chief

2. Wendy’s “premium” fish sandwich. I don’t see what’s so premium about it. It’s decent, it filled me up, but it’s kinda blah. The fish itself was good and had a uniform taste–there weren’t any weird chunks in it, and it didn’t taste mashed or processed.

If you’re going to try this fish-thingy, you might add some toppings to it, but I don’t really know what you could add to a fish sandwich that would really make it rock. I’d love to see suggestions for pimping your fish sandwich in the comments.

-MC Spanky McGee

P.S. While you’re here, check out