Pope passes the buck: “It’s not our fault…”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/04/16/pope.wed/index.html#cnnSTCText

He spoke at a prayer service with U.S. bishops at Washington’s Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception, the largest Roman Catholic church in North America.

Benedict said the sexual abuse of children by priests has caused a “deep shame” and called it “gravely immoral behavior.” “

“What does it mean to speak of child protection when pornography and violence can be viewed in so many homes through media widely available today?” he asked.

Benedict urged the media and entertainment industry to take part in a “moral renewal.” “

Ok, Benny, I see the strategy.

Maybe the video game industry should stop making your priests and bishops play Grand Theft Auto. That’s surely corrupting them. I bet Law and Order has some adult themes. The makers of that show should stop targeting these helpless souls.

BAH!

The Pope is passing the buck. We’re talking about clergy, people. Tell them to turn off the TV and the XBOX (which, I assure you, they’re NOT playing).

Is the Pope serious? How is he going to blame the media? Don’t the priests and bishops have the self-discipline (1) to recognize these bad influences and (2) to get away from them? The Pope is full of shit here.

I suspect the problem is deeper. What do you think happens when you tell a man not to have an orgasm? Where does that pent-up sexual energy go? When a priest tries to deny his impulses, the result is simple repression. In all seriousness, a priest needs to masturbate. That will give him a way to channel his “energy.”

-MC Spanky McGee

“Sex takes 3 to 13 minutes.” Thank you. I had no clue.

Sex takes 3 to 13 minutes, study says

A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes. The findings, to be published in the May issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, strike at the notion that endurance is the key to a great sex life.

If that sounds like good news to you, don’t cheer too loudly. The time does not count foreplay, and the therapists did rate sexual intercourse that lasts from 1 to 2 minutes as “too short.”

No shit. Maybe the sexual noobs don’t know this stuff, but I doubt that they’re that ignorant. After all, every other comic on Comedy Central makes a joke about either premature ejaculation or sex taking too long. (Remember the “Wrap it up” box?)

Ok, maybe hardcore Christian sexual noobs don’t know this stuff. They’ve been busy:

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/ywsblog/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/hear-no-evil.jpg

But those sexually-competent folks hardly need this study. I’m sure the clock gets involved sometimes.

“Oh Spanky, but it’s up to science to confirm or falsify what the folk believe.”

Fine. You read the journal article. I’m busy.

-MC Spanky McGee

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer fails the sex test. Who’s next?

It’s plainly evident that a person can no longer do the work of a politician unless he or she has the right kind of private sex with the right kind of person.

Proper sex is a rigorous test here in the U.S. Yep, you can tell bald-faced lies that drag a nation into a needless war that kills thousands of soldiers and kills hundreds of thousands of civilians. You can torture and you can spy and you can hang out with all kinds of corrupt assholes. If you do these things, a minor-distribution newspaper might raise a question or two several years down the road. No biggie.

But God help a politician who has an orgasm in private with a person to whom the citizens of New York haven’t given their stamp of approval.

Elliot Spitzer had sex, in private, with a woman who wasn’t his wife? “Gad, how could he possibly be qualified to be governor?” chant all of the holy and moral politicians on the sidelines. Those protesting “holy” politicians are the ones who feign lots of anger in public while, in the privacy of their homes they lap up the salacious accounts of Elliot’s young and beautiful consensual sex partner; they virtually lick the words off their newspapers as part of the process of working up more faux rage for tomorrow’s press conference. They practice their horrified expressions in their mirrors, so that they can make it clear to the People how awful it is for two adults to have consensual sex where money is exchanged instead of a diamond ring.

Let’s write it into the federal and state constitutions that the People need to be well-informed about the sex practices of all politicians and that these politicians should only engage in “proper” sex. If not, we’ll destroy their careers so that some morally superior political hack, the kind that practices only missionary-position-half-dressed-in-the-dark-with-his-spouse sex, can take over and enact the superior kind of government policy that is only understood by those who politicians who practice “proper sex.” Continue reading

Is the Iseman smear job on John McCain fair?

You’ve probably read the reports that John McCain has put himself into situations suggesting that he had an sexual affair with a 40-year-old female lobbyist.  Can this politically devastating information possibly be relevant to the current presidential campaign?

Not unless McCain has long-embraced and supported a political party that has consciously decided to make sexual moral pronouncements a major and unrelenting part of its political existence, all the while conflating the U.S. Constitution with the Ten Commandments and spewing this mentally stunted version of democracy in a holier-than-thou piss-on you-if-you’re-different-than-who-we-claim-to-be sort of way.  McCain, of course, is also a prominent member of the Republican serial polygamy club, another manifestation of Republican hypocrisy when it comes to alleged Republican sexual purity.

Those conservatives who get angry at seeing political smear tactics involving sexual innuendo need to shut up and take this medicine because they’ve all earned it by voluntarily associating with the modern day Republican party, a party that specializes in hypocritical villainizing (sexual, racial, immigration status, religious beliefs, you name it).  If those who are troubled by these smear tactics want these sorts of incidents to become irrelevant, they need to tell the Republican Party (by voting) to get government out of America’s bedrooms, for starters.

The next step toward redemption (for those who currently support the GOP) is to consider the real problem.  Remember, it’s not Vicki Iseman the lobbyist, it’s Vicki Iseman the lobbyist.   The problem is not that Iseman has a purportedly accessible vagina; rather, it’s that she hands out lots of corrupting campaign contributions on behalf of her clients.  Who accepts those contributions?  That’s the other part of the real problem: there is an immense amount of political/financial/campaign-cash whoring going on with regard to Mr. McCain, who claims to be Mr. Campaign Finance Reform Savior.  I’ve expounded on this more interesting issue over at Dangerous Intersection.