Recently, my roommate has been suffering from bouts of insomnia. I tried to lull him to sleep last night by recalling events that had happened to me the previous week.
Once upon a time there was a boy named Stooge. Two of Stoogeâ€™s favorite things in the world were the History Channel and Cheetos. One day while watching a particularly titillating show on the History Channel, Stooge began thinking about some of his recent adventures with the opposite sex. Fond remembrance gave way to mental wandering, and when Stoogeâ€™s mind wandered, it rarely ended up in a good place. He thought, â€œShit, I should really get myself checked out. I mean, I always use condoms but you never know…â€
After a few hours of worrying, Stooge decided to go have his oil checked. He meekly walked into the Plan Parenthood office on shaking legs.
A woman dressed like a medical professional told him to take off his clothes and use the paper sheet to cover himself up. Stooge obediently sat under the paper and felt like an uncooked sirloin steak. The nurse entered. She was surprisingly attractive for her age, and smelled like peach moisturizer.
She placed her unexpectedly warm hands on his Charlie browns and began massaging. The nurse was showing him how to do a self testicular cancer exam; poor Stooge had other things on his weary mind. He kept repeating in his head, â€œPlease donâ€™t get a boner, please donâ€™t get a boner, please donâ€™t get a boner…â€ Thinking about anti-sexual things like football practice and MC Spanky McGee seemed to drain the dragon.
The nurse then unsheathed a pool stick like q tip and proclaimed,â€ I am just going to put this in your urethra and then weâ€™re done.â€ Stooge felt relieved for a moment until he remembered that urethra means dick hole. Panic jolted through his loins.
She slipped the q tip in and out and examined it like she was checking the done-ness of a cup cake. A brief but extremely sharp pain throbbed in the eye of the monster.
Stooge stepped into his unwashed jeans and drove home feeling violated and anxious. A few days later, he got notice. All clean.
And he lived happily ever after.