Aretha? Celeste? Bovary? Mulva? A promised post about 5 things that freak men out.

All right. Due to Spanky and sich freuen’s completely unnecessary posts (see also here) and comments on various ointments they like to put on their nipples, sacks, and other sensitive areas, Griff has (as promised) put together a post on those things that men don’t like to think talk about. However, in order to make it a worthwhile post, I have decided to present you Soupy Trumpet readers with a list of facts about these “gross” topics that is both interesting and informative – unlike certain posts about bag cream and the like. So here goes:

1. Terminology: Would you learn to get it straight once and for all? The area that includes the vaginal opening, the clit, the labia, the urethra, and the “mons veneris” (the so-called “bearded clam”) is called the ‘vulva’, not the ‘vagina’. The vagina is the canal that links the external sex organs with the reproductive organs. You guys are lucky if you get past the vaginal vestibule. For more instructive charts, click here.

Vagina!

2. “Sanitary” Products: As much as tampons and pads freak you guys out (try getting your bf to buy you “supplies”), it turns out that menstrual blood is actually very clean. In fact, it’s a hell of a lot cleaner than that bleeding paper cut you got turning the pages of Big Jugs Monthly. And it looks like it might be an as-of-yet-untapped source of stem cells!

Tampon Dolls 

3. Sometimes it gets itchy “down there”: Yes, vaginal yeast infections are gross. No one likes an itchy crotch (or cottage-cheesy vaginal discharge). But did you know that men can get them too?

4. Strange-shaped Titties: It’s not uncommon for one breast to be bigger/smaller/higher/lower than the other one, especially at certain times of the month. This is not abnormal, so don’t get weirded out if your woman’s a little lopsided. (Cosmo claims that it’s usually the left booby that is larger, but Griff doesn’t read Cosmo, let alone trust any “facts” they present.) Additionally, it’s often men that notice lumps or changes in their women’s tatas, so if you feel something weird while you’re groping around aimlessly, tell your woman ASAP. We also often enjoy you guys doing our breast exams for us, so learn how! Case in point below: Jason Giambi checks this babe for lumps with a permanent marker. (Think he’s wearing his magic gold thong?)

 Giambi Gives Woman Breast Exam?

5. The Clit: Kim Cattrall (“Samantha” of Sex and the City) boldly writes: “The women of the world want you to know that the clitoris is about an inch from where you think it is.” Amen. Many sites tell you not to feel ashamed if you can’t find it. Well, Griff is here to tell you that you should feel very ashamed! I know it’s (hopefully) smaller than your magnificent love rod which no one could miss, but it is very unlikely that you will be able to make your woman happy without knowing where it is. So stop talking about your balls and get to work finding the one thing that will make your woman roll her eyes in sarcasm ecstacy.