Halo 3 Betrayal: “If pigs could fly…”

Look, even if you don’t play Halo 3, this is worth a look. It’s just one of life’s little crazy coincidences. A player gets betrayed in a most curious way.

It might get a mild chuckle out of you.

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KicJSFEgB_U[/youtube]

-MC Spanky McGee


Spanky is tired of Call of Duty 4. In particular, he’s tired of the noob toob and all of the juggernauts of the world.

A brief comment on GTA IV.

I’m not going to tell you what’s involved in this game. There are a million sites out there that already describe it.

My message to you is: I am NOT buying Grand Theft Auto IV.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/ptech/04/10/grand.theft.auto/index.html

“If players want they can jump online and never even play the single-player again,” Jeronimo Barrera, vice president of game development, told GameTap. “Online is a serious time sucker. You’re going to have to be really careful if you’re married,” he added with a smile.

No shit, Jeronimo. I know this game is going to kick a ton of ass, but keep that shit away from me. I will end up like this:

I totally lost control with Halo 3, although I’m doing better with COD 4.

But I am not going anywhere near GTA IV. Fuck that. I’ll end up like one of those Chinese dudes in the internet cafes. D E A D.

Or pretty close to it.

-MC Spanky McGee

From Soupy Trumpet game labs

Not to be outdone by Lego Halo, Soupy Trumpet Games, Inc. is proud to unleash:

Lego Adventure

adventure 1

adventure 2

adventure 3

Kill Lego dragons! Find the Lego key! Move the Lego bridge!

Look damnit, if you want everything to look all blocky and janky like some real Legos, just go retro and play Atari 2600. Stop feeding me this bullshit.

-MC Spanky McGee

Master Chief, you, too, got a dart in your neck

Pumpkin and I have noticed that switching from Call of Duty 4 back to Halo 3 makes you feel like you just got hit by a Mastodon-sized tranq dart.

According to this Wikipedia article,

Most modern action games, including popular first person shooters such as Halo 3, run around 30 frames a second, while others, such as Call of Duty 4, run at 60 frames a second.”

Of course, I never know when to trust Wikipedia, but this explanation seems pretty plausible.

One’s brain does seem to adjust to the Halo 3 framerate after delivering a few teabags, but I now always feel the urge to make Master Queef sprint (one suspects that he has consumed too many Krispy Kremes….) just as my homeboy in COD 4 can.
Very odd–why does Master Chief have supreme basketball-dunking-ability, but he’s slower than your grandpa at family reunion flag football? Makes no damn sense.

At any rate, Bungie seems not to have taken full-advantage of the 360′s hardware, but I doubt I know what I’m talking about. As Pumpkin has noted, Bungie seems to be doing a lot of mopping up on itself to stop the hemorrhaging of gamers. Maybe there’s somthing they can do to fix the drunkass Master Chief phenomenon…

The more I think about it, the more COD 4 seems to rock. But something is still missing… More to come on this.

New controller for “Major League Eating: The Game”

Our technical team here at Soupy Trumpet has come up with a prototype controller for Major League Eating: The Game.

You plug it in to your XBOX 360, and start up the game. All you have to do is open your cavernous mouth (the one you use to spew so much bullshit in Halo 3 postgame lobbies), bite on the hot dog offered by the robotic arm, swallow, and repeat. You’ll be on your way to wearing husky pants in no time!!!

The RoboDog 7000 offers a broad hotdog tray, so that you won’t have to get up frequently to replenish your supply. We have installed the fastest available motors so that you can chomp the dogs at a championship rate. Your skill level will rocket to 50 quickly, or we’ll give your money back. (Or you can always hit a brick wall at level 37, start up a new account with your favorite little buddy and house everyone on the way back up the ladder) Take on Takeru Kobayashi from the comfort of your own home!!! You’ll never leave the house again! (You’ll be too big to get out!)

major league eating controller

The wired version is pictured here (retail price: $18,899.00), but for $49.95 more, you can go wireless!!!

Don’t forget to download our Soupy Trumpet icon for your whole Major League Eating clan/team! You and your fellow douchebag teammates can all have the same icons. Intimidate your opponents with your good sense of color coordination and similar gamertags!!!!

(Right click icon below and click “Save icon to my XBOX 360 so that my fucking teammates and I can be unoriginal dolts and have matching icons.”)

hotdog

Fuck.

-Spanks

Homosexuality and video games

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6alOnuN-wCY [/youtube]

The internet has changed the way we interact, and its provides new opportunities for anthropologists, psychologists, etc. We feel our gamertags give us the anonymity we need to express what we really think. (I just cuss at assfaces as much as I ordinarily do, I think.) I think that xxx Gayboy xxx has uncovered some significant facts about our society–digital or otherwise….

There is one problem with some of the comments that are included in Gayboy’s video. Some of the guys in the lobby merely say “gayboy” in the teasing, sing-song way that kids do. Now, this has happened to nearly everyone, especially if he’s been recently housed. “Puuumpkin…. puuuuuuumpkin…..” So, Gayboy isn’t going to get any sympathy from me on that score.

However, the statements that some of the fuckers on there make–that Gayboy should burn in Hell, should get hanged–are completely unacceptable….

Spanky’s playa hate of the day: 1/24/2008

This week’s hate goes out to SS Wraith and MACHINE 666, two humongous dildos who got housed by ryguy0384 and myself.

machine-666.png

After the game, MACHINE 666 took it upon himself to call us “FAGGOTS” emphatically. Apparently he was not happy with the fact that they had received a red-assed beat-down.

I then sent his little buddy a message that said something to the effect, “I didn’t know you could tell someone was a homosexual because they beat your asses in Halo.”

SS Wraith replied with both of these classic nuggets:

[audio:http://soupytrumpet.com/uploads/2008/01/ss-wraith-1.mp3]

[audio:http://soupytrumpet.com/uploads/2008/01/ss-wraith-2.mp3]

Spanky: “u cry too much”

SS Wraith: “LOL whatever loser.”

Spanky: “u r the ones who lost bitch”

SS Wraith: “no shit bitch I’m not the one who was bitching about it. It was the other one…”

_____

Spanky’s commentary:

His delivery on the “jackass” is awesome. (1) Notice the use of “faggot” once again–a nearly ubiquitous theme in Halo whiners and haters. Why is that? (2) I think Wraith sounds a little nasal, which may indicate that he only likes girls that roll 12-sided dice and think of themselves as some kind of “sexy sorceress”. (3) In the second voice mail, he once again refers to some sort of homosexual act. What a snoozer. (4) I like the fact that he sells himself out the end and hoes out his buddy.

Well, anyway, there you have it. That’s the kind of bullshit that goes on in the little dorky world of Halo. I’m not saying I’m not a part of it… I’m just sayin’….

-MC Spanks

Spanky’s rules of teabag engagement for Halo 3 (A short treatise on teabagging)

Friends and fellow douchebags,

The teabag is often abused on Halo 3. Variants on the teabag include, but are not limited to:

  • meleeing
  • slicing with the energy sword
  • kicking
  • grenading, sticking

the dead body of your opponent.

There are some basic rules to follow in Halo 3 or other first-person shooters with multiplayer.

In general, thou shall not teabag the enemy

  1. within the first half of the play clock
  2. within the first 10 points of the game (in team slayer, e.g.)
  3. when the game is tied
  4. you are winning by 4 points or fewer
  5. when a losing opponent is likely to blast a rocket off your helmet while you are performing said teabag and to swing the momentum

The first three rules are uncontroversial, for the simple reason that it is simply too early in the game to get cocky and disrespect your opponent. Your cockiness may be your undoing.

The fourth is less evident. However, for the reason that your opponent might stage a massive comeback and kick your prematurely-teabagging ass. Pumpkin and I have made such comebacks, and the fools that teabagged us when they were up by a few had jackshit to say afterwards. They took their post-game verbal lashings and ducked out. Don’t teabag if you can’t back it up.

The fifth rule is clear and distinct.

Now, my friends, I have broken these rules myself, but it doesn’t follow that I haven’t given good advice here. I, too, have taken out my frustrations on a winning opponent via the ol’ boop!-boop!-dip!-dip!

“Great kid! Don’t get cocky.”

Have fun droppin’ the bag…

-Spanks

PS. The Trumpet gives a shout-out to ryguy0385, unbornredeyes, sich freuen and Spankeedog.

“Halo 3 teabag montage”: my critique

Ok, I have mixed feelings about this one:

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKtP9-9W7yg[/youtube]

1. “Master of Puppets” is a nice touch, but it is a bit played out. We saw “Old School,” too, and it was funny in there. Now you’re just recycling.

2. The teabags are out of context. Yeah, you worked over some dudes in your video, but we need more evidence. You’re not a douche that teabags when you’re up by 2 kills, are ya? Are you playing your little brother?

3. 4:25 is too much to dedicate to this little habit of yours. WRAP IT UP, SON!

4. You throw in “Sad But True”? Come on, man. I’m half surprised you didn’t throw in some Drowning Pool. That wouldn’t be too obvious or anything.

5. Aleczz, are you really Lars?

Now this is decent:

[youtube width="425" height="355"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Sdca0NYtPA&NR[/youtube]

XBOX 360 loose microphone problem–solved!

So, you play tons of XBOX 360, and now your microphone no longer stays attached to your controller. It gets loose and falls out in the middle of a game. This can be very frustrating, especially if you need to tell Grown Pumpkin that he is about to get hit with rockets in the Pit.

There is a very simple solution to this problem. Take some rubber cement, and did your finger into it (assuming that the cement is nontoxic and you will not get you a rash on your little buddy when you touch it.) Put a light coat of cement on the part that attaches to your controller, but do not put any on the metal part that conducts the audio signal to the microphone. (This should be obvious, and if you do not understand this, Bro Taguchi will hit you with a tack hammer.) The rubber cement should provide the grip and friction needed to keep the mic attached to the controller. However, you should be able to remove the mic still–bonus.

The rubber cement is relatively cheap, and you can reapply as needed. I did this to my controller, and it has made a huge difference for me. Although it still can’t save me from that damned Needler.

Hope this helps. This way you can keep talking shit to Pumpkin and me when we house you in Halo 3.

MC Spanky McGee

PS. While you’re here, check out my critique of the Halo 3 teabag montage.